"Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you"
As some of you may know that I did not have the model parents. My mother was a chronic schizophrenic who refused to treat her mental illness. As a result, my mother has caused a lot of drama in my life, but I never stopped loving her because I know that she couldn't help herself. As for my father, I suspect that he is a chronic narcissist who is a pathological liar, too. It is for this reason that my relationship with my father is virtually non-existent. Every time I would attempt to have a relationship with him, he would always become disrespectful by either starting arguments with me or by insulting my faith in Christ. However, I do understand that as a Christian man, I am obligated to honor my father and mother. The Scripture above commands us to do so. It does not say that we should only honor the parents who were good to us, but instead it just tells us to honor them regardless of whether or not they deserve to be treated. I know that this is difficult to do, especially when we do not have good parents. As you can tell, the Scripture above belongs to the Ten Commandments, not "Ten Suggestions", and it is the only commandment that has a reward attached to it. I believe that the promise means that if we honor our parents, even when they do not deserve our honor, God will bless our lives. Trust me, I know that this is difficult, and this is why I decided to write this blog. The purpose of my writing this blog is to help you better understand how you can honor your parents, even if they are toxic. Now, I am not saying that you need to bring your toxic parent back into your life. As a matter of fact, I will argue that you can honor your parents from a distance without even talking to them again. As you read this blog, please think about what I am saying and try to think of how you can apply what I am saying to your daily lives. For the sake of this blog, I will focus on three ways that you can follow the command to honor your toxic parent(s), but there are many other ways, though. If you can think of other ways, please feel free to comment below. The three ways you can honor your toxic parent(s) are the following:
1) Never Say Anything Negative About Them
2) Always Pray For Them
3) Don't Allow Yourself To Be Consumed With Anger Toward Them
As I said earlier, these are not the only ways you can honor your toxic parent(s). I will now elaborate on each of these points.
Never Say Anything Negative About Them
When we turn to Proverbs 15:1, we read the following,
"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger"
Believe it or not, how you speak about your parent(s) can be dishonoring to them. I am not saying that you cannot report when they mistreat you, but it does mean that you should never say anything slanderous about them. For example, I may have had bad experiences with my father, but you will never hear or read anything where I have said that "my father is a moron," or that "my father is an idiot," or any other variation. The reason I will never say anything demeaning about my father is that, as a Christian, I believe it is my ultimate duty to represent Jesus Christ accurately to the unbelieving world. I know unbelievers can have toxic parent(s), and so I need to show them what it looks like to show their poisonous parent(s) honor and respect. It is part of my testimony to an unbelieving world that needs to see an accurate representation of Jesus, who prayed to the Father while He was on the cross to forgive His enemies. I would like to add that if you are merely reporting to someone what your toxic parent(s) have done to you, then that does not count as speaking slanderously of them. If you need to let someone know what they have done to you, then do not feel guilty about it, as long as you do not speak a word of slander against them.
Always Pray For Them
If we turn to 1 Timothy 2:1-3, we read the following,
"Therefore, I exhort first of all that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and giving of thanks be made for all men, for kings and all who are in authority, that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and reverence. For this is good and acceptable in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all men to be saved, and to come to the knowledge of the truth."
Now, I know that this is one of the prooftexts that Arminians use to justify their position that God wants every single individual in all of humanity to be saved. However, this would be a gross misunderstanding of what Paul is saying. If you read this text in context, Paul is clearly saying that God desires all kinds of people to be saved, but I digress. As you can see, God wants us to "pray for all who are in authority". I believe that this command is not only for professional authorities but for personal authorities as well. Your parent(s) are still over you regardless of whether or not they are toxic. This means the command to pray for all authority still applies. Paul never said, "Only pray for those in authority who are good to you". Keep in mind, when Paul penned these words, he was under arguably the most heinous rulers known to mankind. So, we have no excuse to not pray for those who rule over us. I know that this is a difficult teaching for those of us with bad parents to grasp, and I know I will ruffle some feathers with this blog, but it is what God's word teaches, and I am constrained by His Word to be faithful it His teaching. As Christians, we are commanded to pray for the well-being of our parent(s) simply because they rule over us. And when we follow this command, God promises us that we "may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and reverence"
Don't Allow Yourself To Be Consumed With Anger Toward Your Toxic Parent(s)
When we turn to Ephesians 4:26, we read the following,
"Be angry and do not sin, do not let the sun go down on your wrath..."
First, I'd like to make the obvious point that being angry is not sinful. I say this because if anger were sinful, Paul would not feel the need to clearly separate being angry from sin by telling us to not sin in our anger. So, please do not allow yourself to feel condemned if you struggle with anger toward your toxic parent(s). However, just as it says, "do not let the sun go down on your wrath", do not allow yourself to become consumed with wrath toward them. I understand that this is easy for those of us with toxic parent(s) to do, but we need to resist that temptation by any means necessary. When we allow ourselves to be consumed with wrath, it will only harm ourselves because our parents are most likely not even thinking of us. Why should we allow our toxic parent(s) to rent space in our heads any longer? As I stated earlier, Jesus asked the Father to forgive His enemies while He was on the cross. As people who claim to follow Jesus Christ, we are commanded to do the same thing. We should be willing to forgive the toxicity of our parent(s) even if we choose to never talk to them again. That is what God would want from us.
I hope that this blog helps you better understand how you can honor your parents, even when they are too toxic for you. We are commanded to always forgive, but forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation. If you cannot reconcile with your parent(s) for any reason, then just remember these points, so that you can understand how you can still follow the command to honor your father and mother. Thank you very much for reading this blog, and may the grace of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ richly bless you all!
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
As some of you may know that I did not have the model parents. My mother was a chronic schizophrenic who refused to treat her mental illness. As a result, my mother has caused a lot of drama in my life, but I never stopped loving her because I know that she couldn't help herself. As for my father, I suspect that he is a chronic narcissist who is a pathological liar, too. It is for this reason that my relationship with my father is virtually non-existent. Every time I would attempt to have a relationship with him, he would always become disrespectful by either starting arguments with me or by insulting my faith in Christ. However, I do understand that as a Christian man, I am obligated to honor my father and mother. The Scripture above commands us to do so. It does not say that we should only honor the parents who were good to us, but instead it just tells us to honor them regardless of whether or not they deserve to be treated. I know that this is difficult to do, especially when we do not have good parents. As you can tell, the Scripture above belongs to the Ten Commandments, not "Ten Suggestions", and it is the only commandment that has a reward attached to it. I believe that the promise means that if we honor our parents, even when they do not deserve our honor, God will bless our lives. Trust me, I know that this is difficult, and this is why I decided to write this blog. The purpose of my writing this blog is to help you better understand how you can honor your parents, even if they are toxic. Now, I am not saying that you need to bring your toxic parent back into your life. As a matter of fact, I will argue that you can honor your parents from a distance without even talking to them again. As you read this blog, please think about what I am saying and try to think of how you can apply what I am saying to your daily lives. For the sake of this blog, I will focus on three ways that you can follow the command to honor your toxic parent(s), but there are many other ways, though. If you can think of other ways, please feel free to comment below. The three ways you can honor your toxic parent(s) are the following:
1) Never Say Anything Negative About Them
2) Always Pray For Them
3) Don't Allow Yourself To Be Consumed With Anger Toward Them
As I said earlier, these are not the only ways you can honor your toxic parent(s). I will now elaborate on each of these points.
Never Say Anything Negative About Them
When we turn to Proverbs 15:1, we read the following,
"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger"
Believe it or not, how you speak about your parent(s) can be dishonoring to them. I am not saying that you cannot report when they mistreat you, but it does mean that you should never say anything slanderous about them. For example, I may have had bad experiences with my father, but you will never hear or read anything where I have said that "my father is a moron," or that "my father is an idiot," or any other variation. The reason I will never say anything demeaning about my father is that, as a Christian, I believe it is my ultimate duty to represent Jesus Christ accurately to the unbelieving world. I know unbelievers can have toxic parent(s), and so I need to show them what it looks like to show their poisonous parent(s) honor and respect. It is part of my testimony to an unbelieving world that needs to see an accurate representation of Jesus, who prayed to the Father while He was on the cross to forgive His enemies. I would like to add that if you are merely reporting to someone what your toxic parent(s) have done to you, then that does not count as speaking slanderously of them. If you need to let someone know what they have done to you, then do not feel guilty about it, as long as you do not speak a word of slander against them.
Always Pray For Them
If we turn to 1 Timothy 2:1-3, we read the following,
"Therefore, I exhort first of all that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and giving of thanks be made for all men, for kings and all who are in authority, that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and reverence. For this is good and acceptable in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all men to be saved, and to come to the knowledge of the truth."
Now, I know that this is one of the prooftexts that Arminians use to justify their position that God wants every single individual in all of humanity to be saved. However, this would be a gross misunderstanding of what Paul is saying. If you read this text in context, Paul is clearly saying that God desires all kinds of people to be saved, but I digress. As you can see, God wants us to "pray for all who are in authority". I believe that this command is not only for professional authorities but for personal authorities as well. Your parent(s) are still over you regardless of whether or not they are toxic. This means the command to pray for all authority still applies. Paul never said, "Only pray for those in authority who are good to you". Keep in mind, when Paul penned these words, he was under arguably the most heinous rulers known to mankind. So, we have no excuse to not pray for those who rule over us. I know that this is a difficult teaching for those of us with bad parents to grasp, and I know I will ruffle some feathers with this blog, but it is what God's word teaches, and I am constrained by His Word to be faithful it His teaching. As Christians, we are commanded to pray for the well-being of our parent(s) simply because they rule over us. And when we follow this command, God promises us that we "may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and reverence"
Don't Allow Yourself To Be Consumed With Anger Toward Your Toxic Parent(s)
When we turn to Ephesians 4:26, we read the following,
"Be angry and do not sin, do not let the sun go down on your wrath..."
First, I'd like to make the obvious point that being angry is not sinful. I say this because if anger were sinful, Paul would not feel the need to clearly separate being angry from sin by telling us to not sin in our anger. So, please do not allow yourself to feel condemned if you struggle with anger toward your toxic parent(s). However, just as it says, "do not let the sun go down on your wrath", do not allow yourself to become consumed with wrath toward them. I understand that this is easy for those of us with toxic parent(s) to do, but we need to resist that temptation by any means necessary. When we allow ourselves to be consumed with wrath, it will only harm ourselves because our parents are most likely not even thinking of us. Why should we allow our toxic parent(s) to rent space in our heads any longer? As I stated earlier, Jesus asked the Father to forgive His enemies while He was on the cross. As people who claim to follow Jesus Christ, we are commanded to do the same thing. We should be willing to forgive the toxicity of our parent(s) even if we choose to never talk to them again. That is what God would want from us.
I hope that this blog helps you better understand how you can honor your parents, even when they are too toxic for you. We are commanded to always forgive, but forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation. If you cannot reconcile with your parent(s) for any reason, then just remember these points, so that you can understand how you can still follow the command to honor your father and mother. Thank you very much for reading this blog, and may the grace of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ richly bless you all!
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
