"Jonathan is sitting at a computer in front of me. My husband Tom has gotten him out of bed early to work on college applications. His eyes are perplexed and searching. 'Do you want to play a game? I ask, hoping that it can be that simple. 'No, Is this a game? 'Do you mean life?' 'Yes' I muster up all the poise I can and give some theological explanation about how life can seem like a game but God is in perfect control. All the while, an ominous feeling grips my heart. He adds something, but it's hard to make sense of what he is saying. 'I don't understand this extension.' 'What do you mean?' 'This extension of life'.
Sounds like this is the beginning of an existential crisis which I believe is common amongst people with Schizophrenia. I know that I personally have went through this and I know other people with Schizophrenia who would report going through this as well. I am not quite sure why we tend to experience this but I think it has something to do with the fact that it is very common for Schizophrenics to have religious delusions. For example, at one time I believed that I was the literal Antichrist and I know other people who have reported having the same delusions also. i know that in my case, I had an existential crisis because I knew deep down that I was the Antichrist nor did I want to be one but the delusions seemed so very real to me.
Simonetta then goes on to explain how much of a charming and intelligent boy he was. She supports this comment by saying this,
"He especially converting years and days, hours, and minutes, and seconds--- His mind was always active, investigating, calculating, analyzing,
I can totally relate to this because my mind is always focused on analyzing and investigating too. As matter of fact, sometimes I will catch myself "spacing out: because my mind is in overdrive analzying something I see or something someone says. I think that this might be common amogst people with Schizophrenia, but I am not entirely sure. However, I do know that people with Schizophrenia tend to score pretty high pretty high IQ's. . For example, John Nash was a brilliant mathematician but he suffered with severe Schizophrenia. If you do not know who John Nash is then I recommend you watch the movie titled A Beautiful Mind.
She then goes on to talk about how he had a passion for sports,
"Analyzing sports was also a passion, and his predictions were usually correct. He chose to support the Detroit Lions because they were the underdogs, When it came to playing, he was nit the best; but he refused to give up. His Little League team exploded with a roar of claps when he hit the ball for the first time after months of unsuccessful but determined attempts"
Again, I can totally relate to this because I too share a passion for sports (although the Denver Broncos were totally destroy the Detroit Lions!). I never analyzed a sports games but one of my delusions makes me thing that in order for one of my favorite sports teams (The Denver Broncos, The Denver Nuggets, and The Cleveland Cavaliers), I must be watching. Otherwise, if I am not watching then my team will lose, according to my belief, My delusion can sometimes be so strong that it causes me great anxiety until I drop everything I am doing in order to put on the game. It does not matter if my team still loses while I am watching because my delusion still persists anyways and it does no good to try to convince me otherwise either because I will not listen to anything that runs contrary to my belief. Also, I can relate to Jonathan not being good at sports because while I too liked to play Basketball with my friends, I was not all that great at it either. I mean, I was was able to sink some pretty good throws from the 3-point line but that was all that I can do. I was horrible at free-throws and I was was not good at running while dribbling either. My friends understood this so whenever we would play they would have me position myself at the 3-point line and then they would pass me the ball so I can score. However, that would be my only contribution to the game and eventually I grew bored of that and I stopped playing sports altogether because I realized that it was not meant for me.
"His depth of thought was evident in matters of religion. He was only six when we started to attend a small Reformed church. After years at a fairly typical evangelical megachurch, I found the level of quality and abundance of theological teachings refreshing"
This is another thing I have found to be common amongst people with Schizophrenia: we tend to have a very keen understanding of religion. I did not grow up in a religious household but I know that as soon as I came to know the Lord, I quickly became obsessed with theology. I was literally engrossed in anything I could get my hands on that had to do with theology, apologetics, world religions, etc. Before I become Reformed, my understanding of Scripture was a lot more deeper than my peers and it would frustrate me that they did not share the same level of passion or understanding as I did. When I finally became Reformed, I felt like I finally found where I belonged because now I am amongst people who are Christians who are not afraid to be intellectual. I find that the conversations I have with my Reformed brothers and sisters to be more thought-provoking and a lot more deeper than with my Arminian brothers and sisters who tend to be very anti-intellectual. Another thing, even when I was going to college, I found that I am more interested in learning about the Bible than anything I can learn in college, especially since nowadays college is full of "woke" politics. It is weird how all that my mind literally ever thinks about is theology, philosophy, and religion but I am alright with that.
"He took religion seriously. He studied the catechism and had a clear understanding of theology. When it was time to pray, while his brothers resorted to the usual 'Dear Lord, thank you for ths day, help us have a good day," he developed a very methodical system using the Lord's Prayer as a framework, expanding on the 'give us thus day our daily bread' clause."
I find it remarkable how he was like at this at only six-years-old! At that age was too busy playing with my Tonka Trucks to be worried about religion. However, when I was finally introduced to Christianity I was exactly the same way as he was. Again, I think this may be common amongst people with Schizophrenia. I know that when I talk to other people with various different types of mental illness, we all seem to be very religious. Our theological understanding may be different from person to person but we are all very religious nonetheless.
"He seemed especially annoyed by anything thar he couldn't consider fair or logical and had to reason things out within his mind"
I think this is common amongst those of us with Schizophrenia because we do tend to have an inner anger inside of us that we do not know how to let out in a healthy fashion. As a result, our anger tends to build up inside of us and when it finally comes out we explode over trivial matters. This could explain why we are always seemingly irritable too. I know I tend to get irritated over little things and I normally am aware of it so I am able to restrain myself. However, there are times when I did not restrain myself and I ended yelling at my computer, getting sarcastic with my wife, getting upset with friends and family, etc. My Schizophrenia has caused a lot of problems in my relationships with people. I do not mean to be like that but a lot of the times I cannot help myself. I am reminded of what the Apostle Paul said in Romans 7 how the evil things he did not want to do he does do but the good things he does want to he does not do.
"One sign of his independence was trying different things with his hair. The mohawk phase was the shortest, as it was almost impossible to maintain with curly hair. For awhile, he let his hair grow as long as he could, ending up with a soft afro. Just before college, he decided to try dreadlocks. Since his hair was still too short for that look, he looked more like a porcupine"
I find this ironic because when I was younger I tried different things with my hair as well, but I never thought of it as if I was trying to declare my independence. It does make sense, though, because when you have a mental illness there is very little that you feel you are in control of. As a result of this, we do like to find things that we can have control over. Sometimes we find things that are healthy but sometimes we do not. In this instance, Jonathan and myself seemed to find that we can have a sense of control over our hair but unfortunately it seems like we both realized that we cannot even fully control that either!
"Apparently, Jonathan had been smoking for some time and had convinced Anna (his girkfriend at the time) to smoke with him. His 'theological' grounds were that the Bible didn't expressly forbid marijuana, so it could be included in the same class as wine---a substance 'to gladden the heart of man'(Psalm 104:15)'"
It is actually quite common for people with all kinds of mental illnesses to smoke either cigarettes, marijuana, or both. It is so common that even some mental hospitals will allow patients to go outside for scheduled smoke breaks. The reason we like to smoke so much is because there are psychological benefits to smoking. Smoking helps us alleviate our mental illness symptoms to the point where it has been known to suppress hallucinations. This is why so many of us prefer to self-medicate with smoking rather than take medication. I used to be a heavy smoker and if it was not for me getting sick and almost dying last year I probably would still be smoking too. However, the Lord had other plans for me and I am thankful to Him too.
After their pastor was informed of Jonathan's marijuana habit, he decided to lovingly confront Jonathan about this. However, when it was clear that Jonathan was not willing to give smoking, the pastor and elders decided to use church discipline by forbidding him from participating in the Lord's Supper. Church discipline is something that has fallen out of favor in many churches today but it is actually a very loving thing that a church can do. I have experienced church discipline before and I am very thankful for that because it really did grow me into more maturity in my faith. However, it can be a shameful thing to have experience and in Jonathan's case he ended up falling into a deep depression. Simonetta describes his demeanor in this way:
"By now he has sunk into a very recognizable depression. He spends most of the day, each day, in his room, playing chess online. Sometimes he sits in the living room with the TV on with no sound, not really watching. Other times he turns the volume up as high as he can and stands there without apparent emotion. Frequently my husband has to get up in the middle of the night in order to turn off the blaring TV downstairs"
I can totally relate to Jonathan here because I have had frequent bouts with depression myself. When I get in a depressed mood, I tend to want to sleep all day and not talk to anyone or even eat either. I also have a tendency to have frequent thoughts of suicide and death. I think its good to make a note here that there is a difference between depression and typical sadness. Everyone gets sad but not everyone gets depressed. Depression is much more severe than mere sadness and when someone is depressed it usually means they need to be hospitalized because they are a danger to themselves. Most people in our culture do not understand this and that is why they casually throw around the term "depressed" like it means nothing. But depression is a severe mental health disorder that should be taken seriously not trivialized.
Shortly afterwards, Simonetta encourages her son to go back to college but when that plan fails she tries to encourage him to work. She describes this event in life this way:
"College starts, so we encourage him to attend his classes. He drives by himself, but we aren't sure if he makes it to the college. Finally, he stops going altogether. We ask him to cancel the classes, to salvage what is left of his academic record, but he doesn't. We try to find some part-time jobs to make use of his time"
She mentions her friend Kris' husband Bill hires him to work for his landscaping business but then shortly after Jonathan stops going to work and contacts Bill again. This is common for people with Schizophrenia too. I know that in my mania I tend to take on a lot of activity and I tend to be very productive too. However, eventually that mania wears off and I always end up not finishing what I started. As a result, my life is full of great projects that I start but then I never finish them A prime example of this, is the amount of Facebook groups that I have created. I get these great ideas to start groups for various causes that are dear to my heart but then after about a month I stop paying attention to the group and it ends up dying. Then, later when I am hypomanic again, I start another group and the cycle continues. It is because of this reason that many people think mentally ill people are lazy but that is not the case at all. Many of us are very dedicated hard workers but our illnesses make it nearly impossible for us to complete a task.
"At home, he keeps displaying strange behaviors. His handwriting, once small and neat, becomes huge and messy. He draws scribbles on paper or writes apparently senseless sentences. Even his speech stops making sense. Once, we find him sleeping on our roof--a typical, slanted, tiled roof. Another morning, my husband finds him in a hammock outside. The weather is cold and humid. Tom brings him a blanket, and Jonathan thanks him"
This kind of bizarre behavior is typical amongst those of us with Schizophrenia. I know that when I am unstable my handwriting becomes sloppy and my speech becomes unintelligible too. However, when I am unstable, I do not stop talking. As a matter of fact, I tend to talk even more and it is nonstop. I also tend to go from one idea to the next in a matter of seconds without even thinking. People have told me when this happens they can barely get a word in and they cannot keep up with my flight of ideas too. I have never slept outside, except on the countless occasions I have been homeless. However, even then I would typically find some kind of shelter to sleep under so that I am not exposed to the elements.
Simonetta and her husband finally decide to take Jonathan to see a psychiatrist. When he inside the doctor's office, the following dialogue ensues:
"Are you going to school?"
"No, I stopped"
"Why?"
"I thought there was more to life"
"So what do you do know?"
"Play video games, watch TV..."
"Have you used any drugs?
"Yes-- marijuana"
"How much?"
"A lot"
"Any other drugs?"
"I had mushrooms once"
"Have you stopped?"
"Yes"
"For how long?"
"Six months"
"Do you find that your mind is clearer?"
"Yes"
"Do you ever hear voices?"
"Yes"
From this conversation Dr. Peter concludes that Jonathan has Schizophrenia. This is a typical conversation between a psychiatrist and a client when the doctor is evaluating the patient. I know the questions seem pretty mundane and basic but each question is strategically asked for the purpose of evaluating the mindset of the client. The psychiatrist is trained to look for certain ways the clients answers such as speech patterns, body movements, dialect, and so much more. There is a lot going on during a ten minute session with a psychiatrist that patients are not even aware of. As a result, when a psychiatrist says that someone has a mental illness they most likely have good evidence to base their conclusions off of. This is why most psychiatrists will not evaluate someone they do not see personally inside their own office by the way.
"His case manager proceeds to explain that Jonathan has Schizophrenia. Surprised by her bluntness, I ask her to clarify. I've always thought of Schizophrenia as a dual personality. She briefly describes the illness, gives me a list of resources I can use to find support, and hands Jonathan a fact sheet and a prescription for Resperidone. Very prudently, she asks him to sign a consent paper allowing his parents to be aware of his appointments, diagnoses, and medications. He signs without much concern"
This scenario brings me back to when I was first diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder. I remember feeling a sense of relief because I finally understand fully why I am experiencing the symptoms that I am experiencing. My original diagnoses of Bipolar Type 1 sort of seemed correct but it did not fully make sense to me. But, when my psychiatrist told me that I have Schizoaffective Disorder Bipolar Type, it finally made a lot of sense. to me. I understand the misconception of thinking that Schizophrenia is a dual personality because at one time that is what people generally thought of when they thought of Schizophrenia. Over 50 years ago, we did not have a name for Dissociative Identity Disorder so people categorized it as the same thing or similar to Schizophrenia. These days we know better now but the general public still have the misconception in their minds and Hollywood further perpetuates this false belief in their media too unfortunately.
This concludes my blog review of chapter one of Simonetta Carr's book "Broken Pieces and The God Who Mends Them: Schizophrenia Through A Mother's Eyes". I hope that you enjoyed reading this and I hope that this gave you a glimpse into what it is like living with Schizophrenia. Please be on the lookout for my review of chapter 2 of Simonetta's book. Thank you very much and may the grace of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ richly bless you all! - Jonathan's Song
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
For 24 hour peer support, please call the Christ-Centered Mental Health ministry line at 567-343-3727 or email me at christmentalhealth@gmail.com
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