Recently, my wife wrote a blog about five questions she wanted to answer concerning marriage and mental illness and she wanted me to write a blog answering the same questions from the perspective of someone with mental illness. The purpose of this is to encourage those who are in marriages that are dealing with mental illness to remain faithful in their covenant marriages before God. Studies have shown that a disproportionately high rate of marriages end in divorce when mental illness is involved. This is an unfortunate reality for far too many people and I just know this is not what God would want because as Malachi 2:16 puts it, God hates divorce. Why does God hate divorce so much? Well, to answer that question, we must look to see what Scripture says the purpose of marriage is about. Ephesians 5:31-32 tells us,
"'Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church."
Marriage is a mirror image of Christ's relationship with His church. This is why divorce is so heinous in God's eyes because it distorts that image. Jesus would never divorce His church. So, when we make our vows before God to remain faithful to our covenant spouses, we should take them seriously because it is a grievous thing when we break our vows made before the Almighty. These five questions that I shall be answering will be from my perspective as someone who struggles with mental illness and then after you read my blog please read my wife's blog titled On Marriage and Mental Illness: 5 Questions. Please keep in mind that my views are entirely subjective to me but hopefully my answers will resonate with some people and help them as they are dealing with their own marriages.
1) Do you worry about how your wife views you because of your mental illness?
Honestly, I am always worried about how she views me because of the shame surrounding my illness and my psychotic episodes. I am very much afraid of losing her because she will think she can do better than me. I understand that my psychosis can, and often does, cause me to do humiliating things and I am always worried about doing something in public that will embarrass her. I know that it would not be my fault if this happens but the thought still haunts me. This is one of the reasons why I am so adamant about making sure I take my medication regularly/ My wife's constant loving reassurance helps me tremendously when I start to worry about how she views me. When she does this it tells me that everything is well between us and I do not worry anymore.
2) Do you worry about how the world sees your marriage because of your mental illness?
I think about this all the time because I worry that people do not see our marriage as legitimate. After all, it is not traditional. I worry that people see me as "less manly" because I am not the primary breadwinner and this causes me a lot of shame too. This is part of the reason I work so tirelessly in my ministry work. Also, I worry that people see our marriage as incomplete because we do not have children yet. Most marriages that I see usually have children shortly after "getting hitched" but we are almost three years in and still we have no children. This is a deep sense of concern for me. Sometimes I worry about whether or not people do not see me as a legitimate leader for my wife too.
3) How important that you communicate your symptoms to your wife? How easy is this for you to do?
This is difficult for me to answer. I need to communicate my symptoms to my wife. I desperately want her to understand me better and to understand what I experience better too. I know that if I can fully explain myself to her my experiences then she will have a better understanding of how to help me. However, the problem is that I do not always know how to properly explain my experiences to her because I do not fully understand my own experiences myself. Sometimes I lack the words to know how to fully explain what I am going through and that really bothers me. It helps that she is willing to do her own research into my illness and to even look to other people who talk about their own experiences too.
4) Do you see your marriage as different from other marriages because of your mental illness?
Ah, good question! I do see my marriage as different than other marriages, but I see every marriage as different than other marriages. No two marriages are alike because every marriage brings with them its own unique struggles. Some marriages deal with financial struggles while others do not. Some marriages deal with cancer while others do not. Every marriage is different.
5) In what ways has your mental illness blessed your marriage?
The most important blessing that my mental illness has been for me in my marriage is that it has caused me to be more humble and compassionate towards my wife. I am not afraid to show my flaws in front of her and I understand that she has her own flaws as well. This has caused me to be more patient with her as I deal with her flaws. Also, my mental illness has caused our bond to become stronger too. Last year, when I almost died due to a medication called Clozapine, my wife really stepped up as she showed her love and commitment to me. It is because of this that I fully appreciate her even more because she could have easily walked out of my life. Also, when my ex has been trying to tear us apart, my wife refuses to leave my side. This causes me to feel grateful to God for her because I know that I have a good and godly woman in my life. She really does make me desire to be a better man of God for her and for my Lord.
I hope that by now you can see that marriage is possible even when people are dealing with mental illness and I hope that this blog encourages you to be more faithful to your covenant spouse. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and may the grace of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ richly bless you all!
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
Check out the other CCMH ministry website
"'Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church."
Marriage is a mirror image of Christ's relationship with His church. This is why divorce is so heinous in God's eyes because it distorts that image. Jesus would never divorce His church. So, when we make our vows before God to remain faithful to our covenant spouses, we should take them seriously because it is a grievous thing when we break our vows made before the Almighty. These five questions that I shall be answering will be from my perspective as someone who struggles with mental illness and then after you read my blog please read my wife's blog titled On Marriage and Mental Illness: 5 Questions. Please keep in mind that my views are entirely subjective to me but hopefully my answers will resonate with some people and help them as they are dealing with their own marriages.
1) Do you worry about how your wife views you because of your mental illness?
Honestly, I am always worried about how she views me because of the shame surrounding my illness and my psychotic episodes. I am very much afraid of losing her because she will think she can do better than me. I understand that my psychosis can, and often does, cause me to do humiliating things and I am always worried about doing something in public that will embarrass her. I know that it would not be my fault if this happens but the thought still haunts me. This is one of the reasons why I am so adamant about making sure I take my medication regularly/ My wife's constant loving reassurance helps me tremendously when I start to worry about how she views me. When she does this it tells me that everything is well between us and I do not worry anymore.
2) Do you worry about how the world sees your marriage because of your mental illness?
I think about this all the time because I worry that people do not see our marriage as legitimate. After all, it is not traditional. I worry that people see me as "less manly" because I am not the primary breadwinner and this causes me a lot of shame too. This is part of the reason I work so tirelessly in my ministry work. Also, I worry that people see our marriage as incomplete because we do not have children yet. Most marriages that I see usually have children shortly after "getting hitched" but we are almost three years in and still we have no children. This is a deep sense of concern for me. Sometimes I worry about whether or not people do not see me as a legitimate leader for my wife too.
3) How important that you communicate your symptoms to your wife? How easy is this for you to do?
This is difficult for me to answer. I need to communicate my symptoms to my wife. I desperately want her to understand me better and to understand what I experience better too. I know that if I can fully explain myself to her my experiences then she will have a better understanding of how to help me. However, the problem is that I do not always know how to properly explain my experiences to her because I do not fully understand my own experiences myself. Sometimes I lack the words to know how to fully explain what I am going through and that really bothers me. It helps that she is willing to do her own research into my illness and to even look to other people who talk about their own experiences too.
4) Do you see your marriage as different from other marriages because of your mental illness?
Ah, good question! I do see my marriage as different than other marriages, but I see every marriage as different than other marriages. No two marriages are alike because every marriage brings with them its own unique struggles. Some marriages deal with financial struggles while others do not. Some marriages deal with cancer while others do not. Every marriage is different.
5) In what ways has your mental illness blessed your marriage?
The most important blessing that my mental illness has been for me in my marriage is that it has caused me to be more humble and compassionate towards my wife. I am not afraid to show my flaws in front of her and I understand that she has her own flaws as well. This has caused me to be more patient with her as I deal with her flaws. Also, my mental illness has caused our bond to become stronger too. Last year, when I almost died due to a medication called Clozapine, my wife really stepped up as she showed her love and commitment to me. It is because of this that I fully appreciate her even more because she could have easily walked out of my life. Also, when my ex has been trying to tear us apart, my wife refuses to leave my side. This causes me to feel grateful to God for her because I know that I have a good and godly woman in my life. She really does make me desire to be a better man of God for her and for my Lord.
I hope that by now you can see that marriage is possible even when people are dealing with mental illness and I hope that this blog encourages you to be more faithful to your covenant spouse. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and may the grace of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ richly bless you all!
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
Check out the other CCMH ministry website
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