Schizoaffective Disorder is a hard thing to deal with. People who deal with this disorder may behave bizarrely. These people may experience delusions of grandeur, hallucinations, elevated or depressed mood, and a whole host of other things. If I said that dealing with Schizoaffective Disorder were easy, then I'd be a liar. My dealing with this disorder has caused me a lot of pain and I have caused a lot of other people whom I love a lot of pain too. Needless to say, I do have a lot of regrets in life because of my disorder. In this blog, I shall discuss some of those regrets in the hopes that someone else who reads this will know that other people can identify with their pain and struggle. At the end of this blog, I will end on a positive note by giving you some hope to look forward to. I do want to say that if you are easily triggered, then please do not read this blog. Your mental health is more important than my views. However, if you are not easily triggered, then I think you will find this blog both edifying and encouraging.
1) My Belief That I Was The Antichrist
In my teenage years, I had a grandiose delusion that I was literally the Antichrist as prophesied in the Bible. This was during my "dark ages" when I was extremely anti-Christian. I hated Christians because I hated God. The reason that I hated God so much was because I was angry that He would give me a mental illness like my mother had. I felt that I deserved better than that. As a result, I decided to take out my anger on Christians because I knew that I could never do anything to Him. I felt that since I could not touch the Almighty that I'd do the closest thing to hurting Him and that was by hurting His followers. This manifested in my harassing and bullying of Christians. I would even intentionally blaspheme God from time to time.
2) Listening To Tom
When I was younger, I experienced a hallucination in the form of a man named Tom. He was a tall and lanky young man with curly brown hair and glasses. This was during the time when I was locked up in juvenile detention. I think the only reason I listened to what he was telling me was because I felt that he was the only person who truly understood me at the time. He would tell me to do heinous things such as spit in another young man's face. He also told me to tell my therapist that I was going to rape and kill his daughter and then eat her flesh. He also told me to carve my female mentor's name into my right thigh. I listened to everything he told me to do because he was my only friend at the time. I knew he must not be real, however, because no one else had seen him or talked about him. But, that did not matter to me. The staff began to refer to Tom as my "imaginary friend".
3) My Belief That I Was Prophesied To Harm President Donald Trump
This event happened only a few years ago while I was walking to the Social Security office with my best friend and brother, Joe Roman. We had just gotten into a heated argument when I slipped into a manic episode. I slowly began to spiral out of control as he attempted to bring me back to reality. What was I telling him that was a sign I was not mentally right? I was telling him that it was biblically prophesied that I would take out Donald Trump because He was the antichrist. At the time, I was very anti-Trump because I was a Social Justice Warrior, so I believe my hatred for Trump manifested in my mania episode. As a result, the Social Security office called the Department of Homeland Security, but when they could not talk to me, they ended up talking to Joe instead. Eventually, the Secret Service paid me a visit and told me to remain on my medication because if they have to come back they are bringing handcuffs.
4) My Unstable Moods
One of the symptoms of Schizoaffective Disorder Bipolar Type is having fluctuating moods to the extreme. We tend to feel our emotions overwhelmingly. For example, when I am sad, I am really depressed. When I am happy, I am super elated. Also, my moods seem to go from one extreme to another very rapidly. When I am very elated, I tend to engage in high-risk behaviors such as overspending and engaging in a lot of sexual encounters. When I am depressed, I tend to have thoughts to want to cut myself or commit suicide. I have made many suicide attempts and I have frequently cut myself too.
5) My Belief That Donald Trump Is Sending Me Secret Messages In My Head
More recently, I had a very bad episode of mania where I believed that Donald Trump was sending secret messages in my head. This time they were not negative messages though. I think because I am now a staunch conservative who supports Trump, my mania manifested in me getting good messages from him. I believed that he was sending me encouraging messages that everything was going to be alright because he was going to be president again. I was so excited about this news that I even called the 9-1-1 police dispatcher to tell her the wonderful news. Needless to say, she was not very enthused. I think that I may have annoyed her a little bit too.
6) My Belief That Every Little Sin Was Going To Send Me Straight To Hell
When I was younger and was professing to be a Christian, I had this really strong sense that every little sin I committed made me lose my salvation. If I was telling someone a story and I forgot a detail, I would ask God for forgiveness for "lying by omission" and then I would stop whatever I was doing to go apologize to the person. However, even then I would not feel at peace and I would continue to beg the Lord for forgiveness. I think psychologists have referred to this phenomenon as a "neurosis of the conscious". I prefer to call it having a weak and obsessive conscious. It is because of this experience that I can relate to the Protestant Reformer Martin Luther so well.
7) My Belief That My Favorite Teams Would Lose If I Was Not Watching The Game
When I was more into sports, I used to believe that unless I was physically watching the game my favorite teams would inevitably lose. I believed that my physical presence had some kind of magical powers that would enable my teams to gain victory. It did not matter how many times my teams would lose even with me watching either. I would just console myself by saying that my magic was not working that day. If someone would have told me that I am not magical, I would tell them that they were fools who just didn't believe.
8) My Obsession With Women
Before I met my lovely wife, I was literally obsessed with finding a wife to marry. This would manifest in me dating any woman who would show an interest in me. As a result, I would "fall deeply in love" with women with whom I had no business being. Some of these women even would take advantage of me too. I also would become increasingly more paranoid that they were going to cheat on me and I would then become very clingy towards them. I literally wanted to spend every waking moment by their side so that I could make sure that they were not cheating on me. When I was not by their side, I would want them on the phone with me all the time.
9) Creating Fake Facebook Accounts
When I was younger, I had this tendency to create fake friends online who I actually did believe were real friends. I do not know how to explain how I honestly believed they were real when I would literally create them, but I did think they were real people. Part of my illness is that it is difficult for me to distinguish reality from fantasy. As a result, I had over 20 fake profile accounts, all of whom I would interact with as if they were real people. It is not that I was intentionally trying to deceive anyone, though. I really thought these creations of my mind were real. This was during a time in my life when I was not medicated.
10) My Insatiable Lust
I have always had a really bad problem with lust and chronic masturbation. When I was younger, I became addicted and obsessed with pornography, and even to this day I still have a tendency to obsess over a beautiful woman who is not my wife. As a result, I do try very hard to monitor what I put before my eyes. My lust seems to never be satisfied because even after I've had my fill, I still want to continue lusting after women and men.
1) My Belief That I Was The Antichrist
In my teenage years, I had a grandiose delusion that I was literally the Antichrist as prophesied in the Bible. This was during my "dark ages" when I was extremely anti-Christian. I hated Christians because I hated God. The reason that I hated God so much was because I was angry that He would give me a mental illness like my mother had. I felt that I deserved better than that. As a result, I decided to take out my anger on Christians because I knew that I could never do anything to Him. I felt that since I could not touch the Almighty that I'd do the closest thing to hurting Him and that was by hurting His followers. This manifested in my harassing and bullying of Christians. I would even intentionally blaspheme God from time to time.
2) Listening To Tom
When I was younger, I experienced a hallucination in the form of a man named Tom. He was a tall and lanky young man with curly brown hair and glasses. This was during the time when I was locked up in juvenile detention. I think the only reason I listened to what he was telling me was because I felt that he was the only person who truly understood me at the time. He would tell me to do heinous things such as spit in another young man's face. He also told me to tell my therapist that I was going to rape and kill his daughter and then eat her flesh. He also told me to carve my female mentor's name into my right thigh. I listened to everything he told me to do because he was my only friend at the time. I knew he must not be real, however, because no one else had seen him or talked about him. But, that did not matter to me. The staff began to refer to Tom as my "imaginary friend".
3) My Belief That I Was Prophesied To Harm President Donald Trump
This event happened only a few years ago while I was walking to the Social Security office with my best friend and brother, Joe Roman. We had just gotten into a heated argument when I slipped into a manic episode. I slowly began to spiral out of control as he attempted to bring me back to reality. What was I telling him that was a sign I was not mentally right? I was telling him that it was biblically prophesied that I would take out Donald Trump because He was the antichrist. At the time, I was very anti-Trump because I was a Social Justice Warrior, so I believe my hatred for Trump manifested in my mania episode. As a result, the Social Security office called the Department of Homeland Security, but when they could not talk to me, they ended up talking to Joe instead. Eventually, the Secret Service paid me a visit and told me to remain on my medication because if they have to come back they are bringing handcuffs.
4) My Unstable Moods
One of the symptoms of Schizoaffective Disorder Bipolar Type is having fluctuating moods to the extreme. We tend to feel our emotions overwhelmingly. For example, when I am sad, I am really depressed. When I am happy, I am super elated. Also, my moods seem to go from one extreme to another very rapidly. When I am very elated, I tend to engage in high-risk behaviors such as overspending and engaging in a lot of sexual encounters. When I am depressed, I tend to have thoughts to want to cut myself or commit suicide. I have made many suicide attempts and I have frequently cut myself too.
5) My Belief That Donald Trump Is Sending Me Secret Messages In My Head
More recently, I had a very bad episode of mania where I believed that Donald Trump was sending secret messages in my head. This time they were not negative messages though. I think because I am now a staunch conservative who supports Trump, my mania manifested in me getting good messages from him. I believed that he was sending me encouraging messages that everything was going to be alright because he was going to be president again. I was so excited about this news that I even called the 9-1-1 police dispatcher to tell her the wonderful news. Needless to say, she was not very enthused. I think that I may have annoyed her a little bit too.
6) My Belief That Every Little Sin Was Going To Send Me Straight To Hell
When I was younger and was professing to be a Christian, I had this really strong sense that every little sin I committed made me lose my salvation. If I was telling someone a story and I forgot a detail, I would ask God for forgiveness for "lying by omission" and then I would stop whatever I was doing to go apologize to the person. However, even then I would not feel at peace and I would continue to beg the Lord for forgiveness. I think psychologists have referred to this phenomenon as a "neurosis of the conscious". I prefer to call it having a weak and obsessive conscious. It is because of this experience that I can relate to the Protestant Reformer Martin Luther so well.
7) My Belief That My Favorite Teams Would Lose If I Was Not Watching The Game
When I was more into sports, I used to believe that unless I was physically watching the game my favorite teams would inevitably lose. I believed that my physical presence had some kind of magical powers that would enable my teams to gain victory. It did not matter how many times my teams would lose even with me watching either. I would just console myself by saying that my magic was not working that day. If someone would have told me that I am not magical, I would tell them that they were fools who just didn't believe.
8) My Obsession With Women
Before I met my lovely wife, I was literally obsessed with finding a wife to marry. This would manifest in me dating any woman who would show an interest in me. As a result, I would "fall deeply in love" with women with whom I had no business being. Some of these women even would take advantage of me too. I also would become increasingly more paranoid that they were going to cheat on me and I would then become very clingy towards them. I literally wanted to spend every waking moment by their side so that I could make sure that they were not cheating on me. When I was not by their side, I would want them on the phone with me all the time.
9) Creating Fake Facebook Accounts
When I was younger, I had this tendency to create fake friends online who I actually did believe were real friends. I do not know how to explain how I honestly believed they were real when I would literally create them, but I did think they were real people. Part of my illness is that it is difficult for me to distinguish reality from fantasy. As a result, I had over 20 fake profile accounts, all of whom I would interact with as if they were real people. It is not that I was intentionally trying to deceive anyone, though. I really thought these creations of my mind were real. This was during a time in my life when I was not medicated.
10) My Insatiable Lust
I have always had a really bad problem with lust and chronic masturbation. When I was younger, I became addicted and obsessed with pornography, and even to this day I still have a tendency to obsess over a beautiful woman who is not my wife. As a result, I do try very hard to monitor what I put before my eyes. My lust seems to never be satisfied because even after I've had my fill, I still want to continue lusting after women and men.
As promised, I am going to end this blog on a more positive note by telling you what we as Christians have to look forward to. If we turn to Revelation 21:1-4. we read the following,
"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away'."
If you are a Christian who has submitted to the Lordship of Christ, then we have the day of Christ's return to look forward to. On that day, we will no longer experience any kind of pain or suffering. This means that our mental illnesses will disappear because all things will be made new. After that happens, we will reign for all eternity in the New Heaven and the New Earth with the Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit. There will be no more weeping or sorrow. What a glorious day this will be! However, until that day, we will experience pain and suffering because this a fallen world, but we must keep our eyes on Jesus Christ because we truly do have a blessed hope. This world is not our home, but we belong to a better, more perfect world. That world is not subject to decay and the depravity of man.
I hope that this blog helps you understand mental illness a little better and if you can relate, then I hope that this blog gives you encouragement. Always remember that we are not defined by our illnesses or even our sins. It is our identity in Christ Jesus that defines who we are. Trust in Him. I would like to personally apologize to anyone and everyone whom I have personally offended and hurt. I hope that they can find it in their hearts to forgive me. Thank you very much for taking the time to read this blog and may the grace of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ richly bless you all!!!
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
Check out the other Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away'."
If you are a Christian who has submitted to the Lordship of Christ, then we have the day of Christ's return to look forward to. On that day, we will no longer experience any kind of pain or suffering. This means that our mental illnesses will disappear because all things will be made new. After that happens, we will reign for all eternity in the New Heaven and the New Earth with the Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit. There will be no more weeping or sorrow. What a glorious day this will be! However, until that day, we will experience pain and suffering because this a fallen world, but we must keep our eyes on Jesus Christ because we truly do have a blessed hope. This world is not our home, but we belong to a better, more perfect world. That world is not subject to decay and the depravity of man.
I hope that this blog helps you understand mental illness a little better and if you can relate, then I hope that this blog gives you encouragement. Always remember that we are not defined by our illnesses or even our sins. It is our identity in Christ Jesus that defines who we are. Trust in Him. I would like to personally apologize to anyone and everyone whom I have personally offended and hurt. I hope that they can find it in their hearts to forgive me. Thank you very much for taking the time to read this blog and may the grace of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ richly bless you all!!!
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
Check out the other Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
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