In many different Christian churches across America, many Christian brothers and sisters hold some very negative views concerning marriages where the husband deals with mental illness while the wife does not. Many of these views are so common that many Christians who hold to them are not even consciously aware of them. In this blog, I shall address some of these negative views. My purpose in writing this is to dispel some of these harmful myths. I would like to say, however, that I do not hate these Christians whatsoever. I still consider them my brothers and sisters in the faith and I love many of them dearly. I do intend to cause any division at all, but these negative views absolutely need to be addressed because they are a real detriment to many Christian brothers who struggle with mental illness and are either married or desire to be married. The negative views I will address are the following:
1) The Marriage Isn't Real
2) The Man Should Never Be Married
3) The Man Isn't A Real Man
I will elaborate on each of these points, but I would like to point out that these are not the only negative views concerning marriage and mental illness. There definitely are many others, but for the sake of this blog I am only focusing on these because they are the main ones. If you can think of anymore then please feel free to leave a comment below.
The Marriage Isn't Real
Many Christians believe that if a woman married a mentally ill man who cannot work then their marriage is a farce. The reason they think this is because they believe that unless the many is providing financially then the marriage is not legitimate. I definitely agree that a godly man should provide for his wife and family, but there definitely are more ways that he can provide other than financially if he does not have a job due to his mental disability. For example, he can provide a safe place for his wife and family to be themselves in. He can also provide a safe environment where his wife and children do not have to worry about their lives. And He can provide a clean home for his wife and family too. As for being a leader and a protector, there is nothing about his mental illness that will prevent him from leading his family in family worship and in daily living, but sometimes when he is not in his right mind, it is alright for his wife to temporarily take the lead. If anyone says otherwise, they are being hypocritical because I am sure that they would agree that if the husband were incapacitated for some reason then it would be reasonable for the wife to make decisions on his behalf.
The Man Should Never Be Married
A lot of well-meaning Christians honestly believe that a mentally ill man should always remain single. Unfortunately, this is a very common belief that stems from an idea that the mentally ill man will only be a burden to a wife because he has nothing beneficial to offer her. This view actually dehumanizes the man by ignoring the fact that he is made in the Imago Dei. There are many ways that the man with mental illness can benefit his wife without being a burden to her. For instance, as someone who is more sympathetic than the average man, he can definitely show his wife more empathy when she is struggling with life's daily trials and tribulations. He can also benefit her by showing her unconditional love and not casting judgment on her. Also, he can benefit her by valuing her thoughts and opinions.
The Man Isn't A Real Man
I must confess that this negative view honestly angers me. This view is very similar to the first view because it says that unless the man is working a traditional 9-5 job then he is not "masculine" enough. A lot of men who run in the Trad circles believe this nonsense. There are many ways that a mentally ill man can express his masculinity other than working a traditional 9-5 job. It is the height of stupidity whenever Christians think this. One of the ways that the man can express his masculinity is by leading his wife and children in a biblical way. He can also express his masculinity by treating his wife and children with respect and dignity. Another way that he can express his masculinity is by always showing his wife and children unconditional support. Finally, he can express his masculinity by disciplining his children in a way that does not provoke them to anger.
I hope that this blog helps you see a marriage that deals with mental illness in a whole new light. Even if you do not agree with me on some points, hopefully, you will no longer view these kinds of marriages in light of these views. If you decide to still hold to these negative and harmful and ignorant views, then maybe you should keep them to yourself. Thank you very much for taking the time to read my blog and may the grace of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ richly bless you all!!
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
Check out the other Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
1) The Marriage Isn't Real
2) The Man Should Never Be Married
3) The Man Isn't A Real Man
I will elaborate on each of these points, but I would like to point out that these are not the only negative views concerning marriage and mental illness. There definitely are many others, but for the sake of this blog I am only focusing on these because they are the main ones. If you can think of anymore then please feel free to leave a comment below.
The Marriage Isn't Real
Many Christians believe that if a woman married a mentally ill man who cannot work then their marriage is a farce. The reason they think this is because they believe that unless the many is providing financially then the marriage is not legitimate. I definitely agree that a godly man should provide for his wife and family, but there definitely are more ways that he can provide other than financially if he does not have a job due to his mental disability. For example, he can provide a safe place for his wife and family to be themselves in. He can also provide a safe environment where his wife and children do not have to worry about their lives. And He can provide a clean home for his wife and family too. As for being a leader and a protector, there is nothing about his mental illness that will prevent him from leading his family in family worship and in daily living, but sometimes when he is not in his right mind, it is alright for his wife to temporarily take the lead. If anyone says otherwise, they are being hypocritical because I am sure that they would agree that if the husband were incapacitated for some reason then it would be reasonable for the wife to make decisions on his behalf.
The Man Should Never Be Married
A lot of well-meaning Christians honestly believe that a mentally ill man should always remain single. Unfortunately, this is a very common belief that stems from an idea that the mentally ill man will only be a burden to a wife because he has nothing beneficial to offer her. This view actually dehumanizes the man by ignoring the fact that he is made in the Imago Dei. There are many ways that the man with mental illness can benefit his wife without being a burden to her. For instance, as someone who is more sympathetic than the average man, he can definitely show his wife more empathy when she is struggling with life's daily trials and tribulations. He can also benefit her by showing her unconditional love and not casting judgment on her. Also, he can benefit her by valuing her thoughts and opinions.
The Man Isn't A Real Man
I must confess that this negative view honestly angers me. This view is very similar to the first view because it says that unless the man is working a traditional 9-5 job then he is not "masculine" enough. A lot of men who run in the Trad circles believe this nonsense. There are many ways that a mentally ill man can express his masculinity other than working a traditional 9-5 job. It is the height of stupidity whenever Christians think this. One of the ways that the man can express his masculinity is by leading his wife and children in a biblical way. He can also express his masculinity by treating his wife and children with respect and dignity. Another way that he can express his masculinity is by always showing his wife and children unconditional support. Finally, he can express his masculinity by disciplining his children in a way that does not provoke them to anger.
I hope that this blog helps you see a marriage that deals with mental illness in a whole new light. Even if you do not agree with me on some points, hopefully, you will no longer view these kinds of marriages in light of these views. If you decide to still hold to these negative and harmful and ignorant views, then maybe you should keep them to yourself. Thank you very much for taking the time to read my blog and may the grace of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ richly bless you all!!
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
Check out the other Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
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