Simply Danny: Back In The Psych Ward (Part 8)

      ***This is a fictitious account of a man named Danny who deals with Clinical Depression. Some content in this series may be triggering. If you are easily triggered, please do not read this***

Six Months Later: 

Life could not be any better. Sure, I am facing a nasty divorce case with my wife, but things are beginning to look up for me. I managed to get a job as a Store Clerk at the local King Soopers and I am a regular member of Redeemer Presbyterian Church too. I meet with Skyler once a week to talk about how my life is going and he even says that my spirits seem to have been lifted. The other day Angela came over to the house to get the rest of her things and she was very nasty towards me. But, I did not allow it to bother me. Instead, I just silently prayed for her. The devil has really blinded her eyes to the Truth. I still love her deeply and I sincerely hope that one day God grants her repentance. I do not want to see her be cast into hell. 

I wake up to my alarm clock at 8:00 am and I begin the day by eating some breakfast. I am having scrambled eggs, pancakes, sausages, and bacon. A Breakfast for champions. After I finish my breakfast, I head to the bathroom to take a shower, but then my routine is interrupted by the phone ringing. I answer it and on the other end is Angela. What does she want now? Her voice sounds very angry. I think about hanging up on her, but then she says something that catches me by surprise. 

"I hate you and your God," She says and I can hear the vitriol in her voice. This is not the same rational woman I married three years ago. It breaks my heart to hear her say this because it only shows how much her heart has hardened to the Gospel. 

"I am sorry to hear that," I say softly, "But I still love you and so does God." She laughs at me at this moment and I feel devastated. 

"If your God were real, then why is He allowing me to break my marriage for another man huh? Your God is obviously impotent!" She mocks me with rage filling every fiber in her body. I decide that I do not want to deal with this anymore. So, I calmly tell her that I still love her and then I hang up. This conversation really put me in a sour mood. Why is she this way? She said that she wants a divorce. So, why won't she leave me alone? I shake the thought of her out of my mind, as I get into the shower. I am determined to not let this ruin my day. Life is good for me. 

As I am driving to work, I keep replaying thoughts of my conversation with Angela in my mind. I am not intentionally doing this, but I cannot help thinking about it nonetheless. I pull into the parking lot of King Soopers and begin heading into the store. Maybe a busy day at work will distract me from thinking of my former wife. I head into the store and immediately I am greeted by Erica. Erica is a mild-mannered young woman who works as a store greeter. She loves wearing superhero t-shirts. Today, she is wearing an Ironman shirt. I say hi back to her and she smiles at me. This does brighten my day. 

I clock into work and head to my cashier's spot and get everything prepared. All of a sudden, I am reminded of Angela because I see our picture in my money drawer. I put it there a while back to give me hope that we can make our relationship work out. I did not want to get a divorce. However, nowadays I am giving up on that hope. I grab that picture, rip it up, and throw it away. As the day progresses, I am growing more and more irritated with these customers. Normally, they are rude to me and I am fine with that. But, today, I am having it. Who the heck do these people think they are? I try to remain calm and respectful because I realize that I am only agitated because of my former wife. I am not supposed to allow my personal problems to interfere with work. 

At about 3:00 pm, I am allowed to go on break. Skyler sees me outside while I am eating a sandwich that I got from the deli. He approaches me and says hi with a smile. 

"How are you doing, Danny?" Skyler asks me with a genuine tone of voice. I feel happy to see him and answer back honestly. He sits down next to me and gives me a bear hug. 

"I am sorry that your wife is putting you through this, man," He says and I hear the compassion in his voice. I am glad that he is not telling me that God is judging me for some kind of secret sin of mine. I finish eating my sandwich and wipe my face. 

"Why is God doing this to me," I ask him, trying not to sound like I am accusing God, "It does not seem right or fair." Skyler sighs and looks down at his feet. He is wearing red and white Jordans. I have not seen them in many years. After a while, he looks up, and says, "I am not sure why He is putting you through this. However, I do know that He is sovereign enough to work out everything for our good." 

"I just do not see how this is going to work out for MY good..." I say and then I look down at my feet. I feel a little sheepish for saying this because I feel like I am questioning the Almighty. 

"I understand," He says, much to my surprise, "But, we have His promise to do so and He cannot lie. We must just take it on faith and trust in Him." 

I sigh deeply because I am fighting back tears. I feel completely overwhelmed by all of this. Skyler notices the tears welling up in my eyes and he reaches over to give me another hug. I do feel a sense of relief for a moment, but then I see that my break is over in two minutes. We exchange our goodbyes and I head back to work. 

The rest of the day I am distracted by my thoughts of what Skyler and Angela told me. Is it true what Angela said about God being impotent? Or is Skyler right about God being sovereign over every circumstance to the point where He can work out everything for my good? I feel so very confused right now. Later in the evening, I head out to my car and begin the short drive home. I am listening to the Christian radio station and this man named Michael Horton is preaching a powerful sermon on the Resurrection. He is saying that God is not a side character in our story, but that we are subplots in His main overarching story. I've never heard of it put that way and it does cause me to think more about that. Until now I have been behaving as if God were the side character in my story and I realize that it is the wrong way to believe about God. 

However, if this is the life God has planned for me, then I do not want to live this life anymore. I am thinking now that I just want to die because this life really is not worth living. If God sovereignly ordained for me to suffer instead of living, well, I am not okay with that. I hate living this way. I decided at this moment that once I get home I am going to overdose on my Zoloft. As soon as I get home, I head straight to my bathroom to take my medication. I then dump all of the pills into the palm of my hand. This time I am home alone. No one can stop me from killing myself now. I fill up a cup of water and then I throw the pills into my mouth and wash them down my throat with the water. 

After about five minutes of nothing, I begin to feel weak. I begin to stumble and eventually fall down. Now, I officially accomplished my task. I feel happy because I am finally leaving this world. I begin to smile, but then I hear someone's voice. Who got in here? How did he get in here? All of sudden, I remember that I forgot to lock the front door. I was so focused on getting to my pills that I forgot to lock the door! I decide to just lay on the floor and be as quiet as possible. Maybe if I do not respond, the person will eventually leave. I close my eyes and eventually I pass out... 

STAY TUNED FOR PART 9 NEXT WEDNESDAY... 

-David Lee Chu Sarchet 
Christian Mental Health Advocate 

Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website

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