***This is a fictitious account of a man named Danny who deals with Clinical Depression. Some content in this series may be triggering. If you are easily triggered, please do not read this***
Two Months Later:
My wife was serious about filing for divorce and I have decided to go ahead and give her what she wants. It pains me deeply that things are coming to an end between us, but I cannot keep dealing with her hatred toward me. I would be lying if I said that it does not bother me though. There are days when I cannot eat anything at all because I cannot stop ruminating about her. I think that I must have lost about twenty pounds. The bills keep piling up and I know that eventually I will need to start working but I just cannot find the energy to even look for a job. My life is in shambles. I thought that coming to Christ was going to make my life easier, but in actuality, my life has become much more difficult. Is the Lord testing me? I just do not know. I try to read the Bible, but I cannot focus on the words right now. They seem foreign to me. I know that I should be reading the Bible daily, but it seems like a huge chore that I am not ready to tackle yet. Pastor Tom recommended for me to see a peer support specialist in the church and he even gave me this guy's phone number. His name is Skyler Clark. I am sitting here at my kitchen table just staring at the card. How can he possibly be of any help to me? He is not going to understand what I am going through. However, maybe I should give him a call because there is got to be something better than what I am currently going through. There has got to be a light at the end of this tunnel. God cannot possibly want me to be miserable all of my life. I decide to dial his number on my landline phone. As the phone is ringing, I immediately get the thought to hang up. But, then someone answers on the other end. It is a woman's voice.
"Hello, how may I help you?" She calmly asks and her voice is like music to my ears. But, then it causes me to become even more sad. Angela used to have a voice like that but these days her voice is venomous.
"M-my name is Danny Valentino. I go to Redeemer Presbyterian Church and Pastor Tom told me to call someone named Skyler for peer support. Is he home?" I ask and immediately I feel a little stupid. I am not sure why, but I do anyway. She tells me that he is home and asks me to wait a minute while she goes to get him. After about two minutes, a man answers the phone and greets me with a deep voice. His voice sounds very authoritarian and bold. I feel a little intimidated.
"Skyler, m-my name is Danny Valentino. I am calling you for peer support. Pastor Tom recommended me to you." I say with more confidence this time. I hear his smile on the other end as he asks me to tell him a little about myself. This causes my heart to melt a little. At least he seems kind. This helps me lower my defenses.
"Well, I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression and I have recently come to faith in Jesus Christ. And to make a long story short, my wife is divorcing me because of this. This has caused me to go back into my Depression. I am still taking my medication, but I still feel like I want to commit suicide. Life just does not feel like it is worth living anymore." I say and I fully expect him to pass judgment on me and tell me that I just need more faith in God. However, much to my surprise he does not say that.
"I understand what you mean. When I first was diagnosed with my disorder, I felt like life was not worth living anymore too." He says to me and this really surprises me. This man also has a mental illness? Wow, that is amazing that there is someone else out there who can understand my plight.
"How do you deal with your illness?" I ask him, this time with my guard lowering even more. I hear him laugh a little.
"Well, it has been a long and tedious uphill battle, but with the help of my medication and therapist, I've been able to manage my symptoms a little better. Also, my faith in the Sovereignty of God has really helped a lot too. Romans 8:28 tells us that God uses all things for our good. This would include our mental illnesses." He tells me and I am surprised by his answer. I wonder to myself how God is going to use my mental illness for my good. How is God going to use my divorce for my good too? It's a good thing I do not have any children because I cannot imagine how that would affect them. I do believe that God is sovereign over every part of life, but all of this seems too much for even Him.
"Can we meet up sometime over lunch?" He asks me, interrupting my thoughts. I tell him that we can and he tells me that there is a great coffee shop in town called Pikes Perk and I tell him that I have heard of it. We agree to meet there in the next couple of days at 12:00 noon time. Then, he prays over me and we exchange our goodbyes and hang up the phone. I actually feel relieved to have called him. Skyler seems like a genuinely good man and I really like that he also has a mental illness too. It makes me feel like I am not alone in this world. The rest of the day I feel like I am floating on clouds because, for the first time in a while, I actually feel a glimmer of hope. Maybe life is worth living after all.
Two Days Later:
As I am driving to Pike Perk coffee shop, I cannot help but keep thinking about Skyler. What is he going to look like? How will our conversation go? What will I say to him? I decided that I will be a hundred percent honest and transparent with him. There is no sense in lying about myself. He will probably be able to see right through that anyway because I am not a good liar. As I enter the coffee shop, I see a towering black men approach me with a smile on his face. Is that really him? He is wearing cargo shorts and a black t-shirt that says, "I do not believe in atheists". What a peculiar shirt!
"Are you Danny?" He asks with that same thunderous voice that I heard over the phone. When I tell him that I am, he gives me a huge bear hug. He squeezes me so tight that I feel like my lungs constrict. He then lets me go and he tells me that he will order me anything that I'd like. I order a Chai Tea and a bacon and egg sandwich. Then, he leads me up some stairs and we sit down on a leather couch.
"So, how have you been these past couple of days?" He asks me with such care in his voice that immediately makes me feel at ease around him. I tell him how I've been better since our initial conversation but I am still feeling depressed though. He simply nods his head.
"You said that God uses all things for our good right?" I ask him and he looks pleased by this question as he answers in the affirmative.
"Well, how has God used your mental illness for your good?" I ask him with a serious look on my face. I can tell this question gets him excited. He was waiting for me to ask this question.
"Well, for one, it has literally made me a more humble and caring me as I learn to wholly depend on the Lord for everything. God has used my illness to be more patient with my wife as I grow closer to her. And also the Lord led me into peer support where I can help people like me. I feel like I've really found my purpose in life." He says with such confidence in his voice. I ruminate on this for a little while and he just sits there silently while sipping his Vanilla Bean Latte. I then honestly tell him I am not sure how the Lord will use my illness or my divorce for my good. I tell him how it feels as if the Lord destroyed my life.
"I understand, Danny," He says, "I used to think that the Lord destroyed my life too. However, I learned that sometimes the Lord breaks us down to build us back up again in His image. Everything God does for and to us is to conform us to the image of His Son."
"Does it have to be so darn painful?" I ask him and he chuckles out loud. He then tells me how all suffering is painful momentarily, but it produces in our being character and hope that does not disappoint us. I immediately think of Pastor Tom's sermon on suffering when I first attended Redeemer. That was such a riveting sermon.
"Danny, I understand that whatever you are going through is really hard on you right now, but you must hold on to your faith. God will get you through this and at the end, you will praise Him for this, I promise" He says with such conviction and I want to believe his words. But, it just seems so impossible to believe right now. I tell him that it is hard to trust God right now and he nods his head again.
"I know it is, but The Lord is always good and faithful to us. Maybe you should express these concerns to God yourself." He says and I never even thought of doing that. Can I express my doubts and fears to God? Would He understand me? This thought seems foreign to my mind. However, there is that Scripture that says that Jesus was tempted in every way we are, yet He was without sin. Did He struggle with thoughts of suicide too?
After about thirty more minutes of enjoyable conversation, Skyler tells me that he has to meet with someone else across town, but he says that I am welcome to call him at any time any day. He says he is always free to talk. We pray together and then stand up and give one another a hug. As I am heading out to my car, I see a dove in a tree. It looks at me and then flies away. Maybe that is a sign of the Holy Spirit watching over me.
STAY TUNED FOR PART 8 COMING OUT NEXT WEDNESDAY...
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
Check out the other Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
My wife was serious about filing for divorce and I have decided to go ahead and give her what she wants. It pains me deeply that things are coming to an end between us, but I cannot keep dealing with her hatred toward me. I would be lying if I said that it does not bother me though. There are days when I cannot eat anything at all because I cannot stop ruminating about her. I think that I must have lost about twenty pounds. The bills keep piling up and I know that eventually I will need to start working but I just cannot find the energy to even look for a job. My life is in shambles. I thought that coming to Christ was going to make my life easier, but in actuality, my life has become much more difficult. Is the Lord testing me? I just do not know. I try to read the Bible, but I cannot focus on the words right now. They seem foreign to me. I know that I should be reading the Bible daily, but it seems like a huge chore that I am not ready to tackle yet. Pastor Tom recommended for me to see a peer support specialist in the church and he even gave me this guy's phone number. His name is Skyler Clark. I am sitting here at my kitchen table just staring at the card. How can he possibly be of any help to me? He is not going to understand what I am going through. However, maybe I should give him a call because there is got to be something better than what I am currently going through. There has got to be a light at the end of this tunnel. God cannot possibly want me to be miserable all of my life. I decide to dial his number on my landline phone. As the phone is ringing, I immediately get the thought to hang up. But, then someone answers on the other end. It is a woman's voice.
"Hello, how may I help you?" She calmly asks and her voice is like music to my ears. But, then it causes me to become even more sad. Angela used to have a voice like that but these days her voice is venomous.
"M-my name is Danny Valentino. I go to Redeemer Presbyterian Church and Pastor Tom told me to call someone named Skyler for peer support. Is he home?" I ask and immediately I feel a little stupid. I am not sure why, but I do anyway. She tells me that he is home and asks me to wait a minute while she goes to get him. After about two minutes, a man answers the phone and greets me with a deep voice. His voice sounds very authoritarian and bold. I feel a little intimidated.
"Skyler, m-my name is Danny Valentino. I am calling you for peer support. Pastor Tom recommended me to you." I say with more confidence this time. I hear his smile on the other end as he asks me to tell him a little about myself. This causes my heart to melt a little. At least he seems kind. This helps me lower my defenses.
"Well, I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression and I have recently come to faith in Jesus Christ. And to make a long story short, my wife is divorcing me because of this. This has caused me to go back into my Depression. I am still taking my medication, but I still feel like I want to commit suicide. Life just does not feel like it is worth living anymore." I say and I fully expect him to pass judgment on me and tell me that I just need more faith in God. However, much to my surprise he does not say that.
"I understand what you mean. When I first was diagnosed with my disorder, I felt like life was not worth living anymore too." He says to me and this really surprises me. This man also has a mental illness? Wow, that is amazing that there is someone else out there who can understand my plight.
"How do you deal with your illness?" I ask him, this time with my guard lowering even more. I hear him laugh a little.
"Well, it has been a long and tedious uphill battle, but with the help of my medication and therapist, I've been able to manage my symptoms a little better. Also, my faith in the Sovereignty of God has really helped a lot too. Romans 8:28 tells us that God uses all things for our good. This would include our mental illnesses." He tells me and I am surprised by his answer. I wonder to myself how God is going to use my mental illness for my good. How is God going to use my divorce for my good too? It's a good thing I do not have any children because I cannot imagine how that would affect them. I do believe that God is sovereign over every part of life, but all of this seems too much for even Him.
"Can we meet up sometime over lunch?" He asks me, interrupting my thoughts. I tell him that we can and he tells me that there is a great coffee shop in town called Pikes Perk and I tell him that I have heard of it. We agree to meet there in the next couple of days at 12:00 noon time. Then, he prays over me and we exchange our goodbyes and hang up the phone. I actually feel relieved to have called him. Skyler seems like a genuinely good man and I really like that he also has a mental illness too. It makes me feel like I am not alone in this world. The rest of the day I feel like I am floating on clouds because, for the first time in a while, I actually feel a glimmer of hope. Maybe life is worth living after all.
Two Days Later:
As I am driving to Pike Perk coffee shop, I cannot help but keep thinking about Skyler. What is he going to look like? How will our conversation go? What will I say to him? I decided that I will be a hundred percent honest and transparent with him. There is no sense in lying about myself. He will probably be able to see right through that anyway because I am not a good liar. As I enter the coffee shop, I see a towering black men approach me with a smile on his face. Is that really him? He is wearing cargo shorts and a black t-shirt that says, "I do not believe in atheists". What a peculiar shirt!
"Are you Danny?" He asks with that same thunderous voice that I heard over the phone. When I tell him that I am, he gives me a huge bear hug. He squeezes me so tight that I feel like my lungs constrict. He then lets me go and he tells me that he will order me anything that I'd like. I order a Chai Tea and a bacon and egg sandwich. Then, he leads me up some stairs and we sit down on a leather couch.
"So, how have you been these past couple of days?" He asks me with such care in his voice that immediately makes me feel at ease around him. I tell him how I've been better since our initial conversation but I am still feeling depressed though. He simply nods his head.
"You said that God uses all things for our good right?" I ask him and he looks pleased by this question as he answers in the affirmative.
"Well, how has God used your mental illness for your good?" I ask him with a serious look on my face. I can tell this question gets him excited. He was waiting for me to ask this question.
"Well, for one, it has literally made me a more humble and caring me as I learn to wholly depend on the Lord for everything. God has used my illness to be more patient with my wife as I grow closer to her. And also the Lord led me into peer support where I can help people like me. I feel like I've really found my purpose in life." He says with such confidence in his voice. I ruminate on this for a little while and he just sits there silently while sipping his Vanilla Bean Latte. I then honestly tell him I am not sure how the Lord will use my illness or my divorce for my good. I tell him how it feels as if the Lord destroyed my life.
"I understand, Danny," He says, "I used to think that the Lord destroyed my life too. However, I learned that sometimes the Lord breaks us down to build us back up again in His image. Everything God does for and to us is to conform us to the image of His Son."
"Does it have to be so darn painful?" I ask him and he chuckles out loud. He then tells me how all suffering is painful momentarily, but it produces in our being character and hope that does not disappoint us. I immediately think of Pastor Tom's sermon on suffering when I first attended Redeemer. That was such a riveting sermon.
"Danny, I understand that whatever you are going through is really hard on you right now, but you must hold on to your faith. God will get you through this and at the end, you will praise Him for this, I promise" He says with such conviction and I want to believe his words. But, it just seems so impossible to believe right now. I tell him that it is hard to trust God right now and he nods his head again.
"I know it is, but The Lord is always good and faithful to us. Maybe you should express these concerns to God yourself." He says and I never even thought of doing that. Can I express my doubts and fears to God? Would He understand me? This thought seems foreign to my mind. However, there is that Scripture that says that Jesus was tempted in every way we are, yet He was without sin. Did He struggle with thoughts of suicide too?
After about thirty more minutes of enjoyable conversation, Skyler tells me that he has to meet with someone else across town, but he says that I am welcome to call him at any time any day. He says he is always free to talk. We pray together and then stand up and give one another a hug. As I am heading out to my car, I see a dove in a tree. It looks at me and then flies away. Maybe that is a sign of the Holy Spirit watching over me.
STAY TUNED FOR PART 8 COMING OUT NEXT WEDNESDAY...
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
Check out the other Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
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