***This is a fictitious account of a man named Danny who deals with Clinical Depression. Some content in this series may be triggering. If you are easily triggered, please do not read this***
It has been a horrible few days because my wife has been unbearable. I know that the Lord is sovereign and I take comfort in that fact, but why would He allow there to be so much turmoil in my life? Shouldn't the Christian life be filled with peace and happiness? That's what the television preachers are always preaching about anyway. Maybe God is teaching me a lesson. I am not sure what that lesson could be. It has gotten to the point where I actually dread seeing Angela because I know we will get into a knock-out blow-out argument. What do we fight over these days? Religion. She really does not like the fact that I have found Jesus. I thought she'd see the change in my life and be happy for me, but in these past few days, I've seen a different side of her that I have not seen in three years! To be honest, this whole ordeal has really triggered my Depression. I often isolate myself in my office with the lights turned off and stare blankly at the floor. I then think about cutting myself. I do not want to think such thoughts because I know they are not honoring God, but I cannot help it. I want to love my wife and I want to have peace with her, but she won't let bygones be bygones. As I am staring at the floor, I hear a knock on my office door. I yell that I am not available. The door opens anyway. I really need to put a lock on that blasted door. Angela seems angry, which is no surprise these days.
"Why are you sitting here in the dark?" She asks me and I can tell she is trying to appear compassionate, but it comes across as fake. I groan and tell her to leave me alone.
"You need to come out and say hello to The Copelands" She demands of me. The Copelands are our neighbors across the street. I wonder why she asked for them to come over. I know that they are also atheists so maybe she is thinking they can "talk sense" into me.
"I do not want to see them." I flatly say. I then continue to stare at my feet. My right foot is tapping the floor. It has a tendency to do that when I am feeling nervous. But, why am I nervous? It does not make sense. My wife has been making me anxious lately.
"It's not good to isolate," She says and I can sense that she is becoming more angry by the minute. Why is she insisting on bothering me? Can't she see that I want to be left alone? I yell at her this time to leave me alone. I tell her that I know why she brought them over here and I am not walking into the lion's den.
"If your god were real," she says "then, he should heal your depression." This really angers me. How dare this woman use my illness against me like that. How evil can she really be? This is an all-time low even for her. I used to think that Angela was a kind and compassionate human being, but now I do not even know who I married anymore.
"You know, woman?!" I yell at her, "How dare you do this in front of our neighbors! You are a snake!" This time I even say an expletive, which surprises the both of us because I hardly ever cuss. She takes a few steps closer so that she can be right in front of my face. What she says next is like shoving a dagger into my heart.
"You should just kill yourself. This time I won't stop you" She says in an ice-cold tone of voice. My eyes begin to water up and I also feel a sense of fear too. For the first time in my life, I am actually afraid of my wife. I am afraid because if she can so coldly say this then what really is she capable of?
"I told you that we create our own meaning and if you insist on rotting away in this room like a corpse, then I do not love you anymore." She says with even more rage in her voice.
"If we create our own meaning to life, then why did you bother saving my life, to begin with? I wanted to die and you would not let me!" I fire back at her and she just laughs at me. She then tells me that she wants a divorce.
"You can live in this room with yourself and maybe your Jesus will keep you warm at night. I wash my hands of you" She finally says and then walks out of my office. She slams the door, which causes my snow globe to fall off my desk. I am left shaking out of anger and fear. I am angry because I cannot believe that she could be so heartless and I am fearful because I am not sure what I am going to do once this divorce is finalized. I am willing to have this divorce, though, because it is much better than dealing with this wretched woman. I actually have grown to despise her. She is a wicked woman. I decide that I am going to give Chaplain Henry a call. So, I take out my cell phone and call his number. He answers on the first ring.
"Hello, Danny!" He proudly proclaims. He sounds very excited to hear from me and for a moment I forget why I am upset. His kindness always seems to melt my heart. I like how kind and compassionate he always seems to be.
"My wife says she wants a divorce..." My voice trails off and I hold back from sobbing. Chaplain Henry makes sigh and says that he is sorry.
"What happened?" He asks me with such care/ I explain the whole situation from how we have been arguing about Christianity the past few days all the way until right now. He tells me that he understands because when he first came to the faith his wife was the same way. I am surprised by this because his wife seems like such a sweet woman. I can't imagine her saying anything mean at all.
"You need to pray for her even more, Danny. God can soften her heart and bring her to salvation. However, whatever you do, do not retaliate against her. You need to keep loving her despite how she behaves like Christ continued to love His persecutors despite how they treated Him. She will notice that and it will have an effect on her heart. But, if you retaliate, then it will just fuel her hatred." He advises me. I listen intently to him and it does make sense, but it seems so hard to do. I tell him that and he explains that it is difficult and that is why we need to pray for the Holy Spirit to give us the strength to follow through. I let his words sink into my heart and mind.
"Why would God allow her to behave this way toward me? Shouldn't He have caused her to be happy with me finding Jesus?" I ask him. This time I pick up my snow globe off the floor and set it back on my desk.
"God never promised us a happy marriage. As a matter of fact, Jesus says that He came to divide families. Your love for Him is being tested right now, Danny. Do you love and trust Him despite what you are going through or are you going to fold under pressure?" He answers me. I think about what he is saying for a long moment. I do love Jesus more than anything in the world. I just thought that things would be easier than this. Why is He testing me so harshly? I do not know if I can stand under this kind of pressure because this is more than I can bear.
"Even when we are being tested," He continues, "He promises not to give us something we cannot bear, but He will give us a way out." Did he just read my mind? How could he have possibly known that I was thinking about that? I simply tell him thank you and that I will think about what he is saying. We say our goodbyes and we hang up. I am now left sitting in the darkness to think about what is going on. All of a sudden, thoughts of killing myself return. If this is what my life is going to consist of, then I do not want it. God will understand, right? He would not want me to be unhappy, right? No, the Lord couldn't possibly want me to be unhappy. I resolve to kill myself. Maybe the next life will be better because I do not want to live this life anymore. This time I will succeed at killing myself. Angela won't be able to stop me. I am going to borrow my neighbor's gun and blast my brains out. I know that will make "my wife" very happy. She will be pleased to see how her words affected me so much. I hate that woman with a passion. I decided to write her a suicide letter. I pull out a pen and paper and begin writing:
"Dear Angela,
These past few days have been a literal hell for me. I do not understand why you have to be so evil and heartless, but I decided that I will give you what you want. You told me to kill myself and that is what I will do. By the time you read this letter, I will already be in the afterlife. Even if I end up in hell, it will be much better than dealing with you. I want you to know that I do not harbor any ill will toward you and I do not hate you either. However, I have lost my will to live anymore. You have literally sucked the life right out of me. I hope that this pleases you. I do forgive you for everything, but I hope that twenty years from now you will think about me and feel sorrow for how you treated me. Have a blessed life"
Your husband,
Danny Valentino
STAY TUNED FOR PART 7 OF THIS SERIES NEXT WEDNESDAY...
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
Check out the other Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
"Why are you sitting here in the dark?" She asks me and I can tell she is trying to appear compassionate, but it comes across as fake. I groan and tell her to leave me alone.
"You need to come out and say hello to The Copelands" She demands of me. The Copelands are our neighbors across the street. I wonder why she asked for them to come over. I know that they are also atheists so maybe she is thinking they can "talk sense" into me.
"I do not want to see them." I flatly say. I then continue to stare at my feet. My right foot is tapping the floor. It has a tendency to do that when I am feeling nervous. But, why am I nervous? It does not make sense. My wife has been making me anxious lately.
"It's not good to isolate," She says and I can sense that she is becoming more angry by the minute. Why is she insisting on bothering me? Can't she see that I want to be left alone? I yell at her this time to leave me alone. I tell her that I know why she brought them over here and I am not walking into the lion's den.
"If your god were real," she says "then, he should heal your depression." This really angers me. How dare this woman use my illness against me like that. How evil can she really be? This is an all-time low even for her. I used to think that Angela was a kind and compassionate human being, but now I do not even know who I married anymore.
"You know, woman?!" I yell at her, "How dare you do this in front of our neighbors! You are a snake!" This time I even say an expletive, which surprises the both of us because I hardly ever cuss. She takes a few steps closer so that she can be right in front of my face. What she says next is like shoving a dagger into my heart.
"You should just kill yourself. This time I won't stop you" She says in an ice-cold tone of voice. My eyes begin to water up and I also feel a sense of fear too. For the first time in my life, I am actually afraid of my wife. I am afraid because if she can so coldly say this then what really is she capable of?
"I told you that we create our own meaning and if you insist on rotting away in this room like a corpse, then I do not love you anymore." She says with even more rage in her voice.
"If we create our own meaning to life, then why did you bother saving my life, to begin with? I wanted to die and you would not let me!" I fire back at her and she just laughs at me. She then tells me that she wants a divorce.
"You can live in this room with yourself and maybe your Jesus will keep you warm at night. I wash my hands of you" She finally says and then walks out of my office. She slams the door, which causes my snow globe to fall off my desk. I am left shaking out of anger and fear. I am angry because I cannot believe that she could be so heartless and I am fearful because I am not sure what I am going to do once this divorce is finalized. I am willing to have this divorce, though, because it is much better than dealing with this wretched woman. I actually have grown to despise her. She is a wicked woman. I decide that I am going to give Chaplain Henry a call. So, I take out my cell phone and call his number. He answers on the first ring.
"Hello, Danny!" He proudly proclaims. He sounds very excited to hear from me and for a moment I forget why I am upset. His kindness always seems to melt my heart. I like how kind and compassionate he always seems to be.
"My wife says she wants a divorce..." My voice trails off and I hold back from sobbing. Chaplain Henry makes sigh and says that he is sorry.
"What happened?" He asks me with such care/ I explain the whole situation from how we have been arguing about Christianity the past few days all the way until right now. He tells me that he understands because when he first came to the faith his wife was the same way. I am surprised by this because his wife seems like such a sweet woman. I can't imagine her saying anything mean at all.
"You need to pray for her even more, Danny. God can soften her heart and bring her to salvation. However, whatever you do, do not retaliate against her. You need to keep loving her despite how she behaves like Christ continued to love His persecutors despite how they treated Him. She will notice that and it will have an effect on her heart. But, if you retaliate, then it will just fuel her hatred." He advises me. I listen intently to him and it does make sense, but it seems so hard to do. I tell him that and he explains that it is difficult and that is why we need to pray for the Holy Spirit to give us the strength to follow through. I let his words sink into my heart and mind.
"Why would God allow her to behave this way toward me? Shouldn't He have caused her to be happy with me finding Jesus?" I ask him. This time I pick up my snow globe off the floor and set it back on my desk.
"God never promised us a happy marriage. As a matter of fact, Jesus says that He came to divide families. Your love for Him is being tested right now, Danny. Do you love and trust Him despite what you are going through or are you going to fold under pressure?" He answers me. I think about what he is saying for a long moment. I do love Jesus more than anything in the world. I just thought that things would be easier than this. Why is He testing me so harshly? I do not know if I can stand under this kind of pressure because this is more than I can bear.
"Even when we are being tested," He continues, "He promises not to give us something we cannot bear, but He will give us a way out." Did he just read my mind? How could he have possibly known that I was thinking about that? I simply tell him thank you and that I will think about what he is saying. We say our goodbyes and we hang up. I am now left sitting in the darkness to think about what is going on. All of a sudden, thoughts of killing myself return. If this is what my life is going to consist of, then I do not want it. God will understand, right? He would not want me to be unhappy, right? No, the Lord couldn't possibly want me to be unhappy. I resolve to kill myself. Maybe the next life will be better because I do not want to live this life anymore. This time I will succeed at killing myself. Angela won't be able to stop me. I am going to borrow my neighbor's gun and blast my brains out. I know that will make "my wife" very happy. She will be pleased to see how her words affected me so much. I hate that woman with a passion. I decided to write her a suicide letter. I pull out a pen and paper and begin writing:
"Dear Angela,
These past few days have been a literal hell for me. I do not understand why you have to be so evil and heartless, but I decided that I will give you what you want. You told me to kill myself and that is what I will do. By the time you read this letter, I will already be in the afterlife. Even if I end up in hell, it will be much better than dealing with you. I want you to know that I do not harbor any ill will toward you and I do not hate you either. However, I have lost my will to live anymore. You have literally sucked the life right out of me. I hope that this pleases you. I do forgive you for everything, but I hope that twenty years from now you will think about me and feel sorrow for how you treated me. Have a blessed life"
Your husband,
Danny Valentino
STAY TUNED FOR PART 7 OF THIS SERIES NEXT WEDNESDAY...
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
Check out the other Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
No comments:
Post a Comment