***The following is a fictitious account of a woman named Amy Jamison who struggles with Separation Anxiety Disorder. Some content may be triggering. If you are easily triggered, do not keep reading. If you are not easily triggered, then hopefully you find this story to be a tremendous blessing***
Today is the day I will be getting discharged from the hospital. I am very excited to be going home. This is a nice hospital and the staff are amazing, but I cannot wait to be sleeping in my own bed and eating my own food. I cannot wait to see Hank because I have a lot I want to say to him. I wonder what he is doing right now. Is he thinking of me or is he busy flirting with Catie? I do wonder, but I feel like I already know the answer. It really does not bother me anymore because of my newfound faith in the Lord. I know that He is with me and He is better than any man, I quickly pack up my things and head out to the Day Room. I wish Jessica were here so I could give her a hug because she was such a great friend, but she was discharged yesterday. Oh, well, maybe I will see her again on the outside. I hope I do because I'd like to have her over for lunch sometime. One of the nurses comes to me with a stack of papers and hands them to me. She tells me that they are discharge paperwork that I have to sign. Then, she asked me if I would need them to set up a ride for me. I politely tell her no because I have my own car. The nurse leaves me and I begin scanning through the paperwork. I see that on one page the psychiatrist has me listed as diagnosed with Separation Anxiety Disorder and he scheduled for me to come to see him at his office next week on Tuesday, I immediately think of Adrian because I was supposed to see her this last Wednesday. She is probably wondering what happened to me. I will make sure to give her a call when I get home. The psychiatrist prescribed me a medication called Xanax, but I am only supposed to take it as needed. I am thankful for it because it does seem to calm my nerves down. After finishing going through the paperwork, I decided to sit down in front of the large television in the Day Room and wait for the nurses to tell me I could leave. Spongebob Squarepants is playing on the TV. I have not seen this cartoon since I was a child. It does bring back some old memories.
After a few hours, the nurses finally told me that they got permission from the psychiatrist to let me go. I get excited and after I exchange goodbyes with a couple of the other patients, I walk towards the door where one of the nurses tells me to have a good day. As I head out to my car, I immediately turn on my phone to check to see if Hank ever tried to reach out to me. To my actual surprise, he did. Multiple times actually. I immediately feel a sense of excitement. Maybe he does truly love me after all. I scan through the text messages and he is saying things like, "Where are you?", "I miss you", and "We need to talk". My heart feels like it wants to leap for joy, but I instead say a silent prayer to God. I try not to get too excited, as I step inside my car.
As I am driving home, I cannot help but continuously daydream about Hank. I wonder if he is going to propose to me. Is that what he wants to talk about? I can only wonder. As soon as I pull into my apartment complex's parking lot, I pull out my phone again and respond to Hank telling him that I am home. I also apologize for being missing in action the past few days. He calls me right away and I answer.
"Hey Ames," He says, and the sound of his gruff voice makes my heart melt "Where have you been? I've been worried sick about you. I came by your place and you weren't home." This makes me feel so happy to hear that he truly cares about me. I tell him that I was in Cedar Springs Hospital and he asks me why.
"Well, after you left me last time, I was feeling very suicidal and I decided I needed a short break from life" I honestly confess to him. There is a long silence on the other end.
"Can I come over? I really need to see you" He says finally and I tell him that of course he can. I would really love to see him. He says that he will be over in about thirty minutes. I say that is fine and that I love him. He immediately hangs up the phone. That's strange. Why couldn't he tell me he loves me too? Maybe he is just so excited to finally see me that he forgot because he was in a hurry. That is what I tell myself anyway. I get out of my car and begin walking to my apartment.
Once I am inside my apartment, I begin cleaning up. I do the dishes, do some vacuuming, and some other minor things. After about thirty minutes, I heard a knock at the door. It has got to be him. I clean up my face and brush my hair real quick. I want to look good for him. When I answer the door, he is standing there with a bouquet of flowers. I love him so much. He can be so sweet when he wants to be. I take the flowers and fall into his arms. He tells me that we need to sit down so we can talk. Oh, my goodness, is this when he will propose to me? We both sit down on my living room couch. He clears his throat.
"Ames, this relationship has been good, right?" He asks me and I wonder why he has to ask that.
"Well, it has not been what I expected, but sure, I'd say it is good" I honestly tell him and he looks down to the floor, then back up at me again.
"Well, I just want to say thank you for being such a good girlfriend to me. I know it has been hard dealing with me, but you have handled it like a trooper" He says and I find it strange to be referred to as a "trooper", but whatever. He goes on to talk about how these past few days have been difficult for him because he wanted to talk to me, but did not know where I was or how to get a hold of me. I honestly do feel bad for him, but I needed this break. All of a sudden, his monologue changes because he tells me that when he was worrying about me, he sought comfort from Catie. He says that she took his mind off of me. I begin to feel a lot of intense jealousy rising up. Then, he says the unthinkable.
"One day when I was at Catie's place feeling down from missing you, she and I kissed. That's when I realized that I love her" He tells me and my heart sinks down into my stomach. I immediately feel absolutely disgusted. If he was going to tell me this, then why the facade' of bringing me flowers and talking about how much he was worrying about me. Why bring my hopes up just to make them crash and burn. He is sick of playing these games with my heart.
"I guess what I am trying to ask," His voice interrupts my thoughts "Do I have your blessing to date Catie now?" Blessing? What the heck is he talking about? What kind of sick and demented game is he playing here? I feel outraged and I want to explode on him, but I push down my rage. My eyes begin to tear up and I reach for a tissue. I cannot believe he would actually come to me and ask this. Was I really that bad of a girlfriend? Do I really deserve this, Lord? After about five minutes, I was able to maintain my composure.
"Hank, you know I love you, but if you are going to insist on playing games with my heart, then you can leave. I do not need this in my life" I calmly tell him. He seems pretty surprised by my reply. He looks down to the floor and lets out a chuckle. Then, he looks back up into my eyes.
"You think you're important enough for me to play games with? I was just being nice, but I plan on dating Catie with or without your blessing. I need a normal girlfriend, not a crazy one" He says and I feel the sting of his words, but I try not to let them affect me.
"You do what you want. You always have done that" I tell him and he gets up from the couch and attempts to kiss me on the forehead, but I move away from him before he has the chance to. He laughs to himself and heads out of my apartment. I am left alone in my apartment and I begin to sob and pray to God. Why, God, would you allow him to break my heart like this? I thought when I came to you, you would make everything better? Why does it feel like everything just got worse? I am not sure what I am going to do now. I feel like my whole world just came crumbling down. All of a sudden, I remember I have razors in my bathroom and I am tempted to cut my arms. However, I decided against it because I did not want to go back to Cedar Springs. Instead, I pick up my Bible that Mr. Romero gave me and I open it to a random page. I read a Scripture in Hebrews. It says,
"Keep your life free from the love of money and be content with what you have, for he has said, 'I will never leave nor forsake you'"
He says He will never leave nor forsake me? Then, why do I feel forsaken? My life is in shambles because the one person who I gave my heart to has just walked out of my life. Why did you allow this to happen, Lord? Am I being punished for something? I decided I needed a Xanax. So, I take one pill and after a few minutes, I begin to calm down. It does make me drowzy so I lay down on the couch to take a short nap. Maybe when I wake up Hank will be back because he will realize the error of his ways. I can only hope and pray.
***STAY TUNED FOR PART 10 OF THIS SERIES***
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
After a few hours, the nurses finally told me that they got permission from the psychiatrist to let me go. I get excited and after I exchange goodbyes with a couple of the other patients, I walk towards the door where one of the nurses tells me to have a good day. As I head out to my car, I immediately turn on my phone to check to see if Hank ever tried to reach out to me. To my actual surprise, he did. Multiple times actually. I immediately feel a sense of excitement. Maybe he does truly love me after all. I scan through the text messages and he is saying things like, "Where are you?", "I miss you", and "We need to talk". My heart feels like it wants to leap for joy, but I instead say a silent prayer to God. I try not to get too excited, as I step inside my car.
As I am driving home, I cannot help but continuously daydream about Hank. I wonder if he is going to propose to me. Is that what he wants to talk about? I can only wonder. As soon as I pull into my apartment complex's parking lot, I pull out my phone again and respond to Hank telling him that I am home. I also apologize for being missing in action the past few days. He calls me right away and I answer.
"Hey Ames," He says, and the sound of his gruff voice makes my heart melt "Where have you been? I've been worried sick about you. I came by your place and you weren't home." This makes me feel so happy to hear that he truly cares about me. I tell him that I was in Cedar Springs Hospital and he asks me why.
"Well, after you left me last time, I was feeling very suicidal and I decided I needed a short break from life" I honestly confess to him. There is a long silence on the other end.
"Can I come over? I really need to see you" He says finally and I tell him that of course he can. I would really love to see him. He says that he will be over in about thirty minutes. I say that is fine and that I love him. He immediately hangs up the phone. That's strange. Why couldn't he tell me he loves me too? Maybe he is just so excited to finally see me that he forgot because he was in a hurry. That is what I tell myself anyway. I get out of my car and begin walking to my apartment.
Once I am inside my apartment, I begin cleaning up. I do the dishes, do some vacuuming, and some other minor things. After about thirty minutes, I heard a knock at the door. It has got to be him. I clean up my face and brush my hair real quick. I want to look good for him. When I answer the door, he is standing there with a bouquet of flowers. I love him so much. He can be so sweet when he wants to be. I take the flowers and fall into his arms. He tells me that we need to sit down so we can talk. Oh, my goodness, is this when he will propose to me? We both sit down on my living room couch. He clears his throat.
"Ames, this relationship has been good, right?" He asks me and I wonder why he has to ask that.
"Well, it has not been what I expected, but sure, I'd say it is good" I honestly tell him and he looks down to the floor, then back up at me again.
"Well, I just want to say thank you for being such a good girlfriend to me. I know it has been hard dealing with me, but you have handled it like a trooper" He says and I find it strange to be referred to as a "trooper", but whatever. He goes on to talk about how these past few days have been difficult for him because he wanted to talk to me, but did not know where I was or how to get a hold of me. I honestly do feel bad for him, but I needed this break. All of a sudden, his monologue changes because he tells me that when he was worrying about me, he sought comfort from Catie. He says that she took his mind off of me. I begin to feel a lot of intense jealousy rising up. Then, he says the unthinkable.
"One day when I was at Catie's place feeling down from missing you, she and I kissed. That's when I realized that I love her" He tells me and my heart sinks down into my stomach. I immediately feel absolutely disgusted. If he was going to tell me this, then why the facade' of bringing me flowers and talking about how much he was worrying about me. Why bring my hopes up just to make them crash and burn. He is sick of playing these games with my heart.
"I guess what I am trying to ask," His voice interrupts my thoughts "Do I have your blessing to date Catie now?" Blessing? What the heck is he talking about? What kind of sick and demented game is he playing here? I feel outraged and I want to explode on him, but I push down my rage. My eyes begin to tear up and I reach for a tissue. I cannot believe he would actually come to me and ask this. Was I really that bad of a girlfriend? Do I really deserve this, Lord? After about five minutes, I was able to maintain my composure.
"Hank, you know I love you, but if you are going to insist on playing games with my heart, then you can leave. I do not need this in my life" I calmly tell him. He seems pretty surprised by my reply. He looks down to the floor and lets out a chuckle. Then, he looks back up into my eyes.
"You think you're important enough for me to play games with? I was just being nice, but I plan on dating Catie with or without your blessing. I need a normal girlfriend, not a crazy one" He says and I feel the sting of his words, but I try not to let them affect me.
"You do what you want. You always have done that" I tell him and he gets up from the couch and attempts to kiss me on the forehead, but I move away from him before he has the chance to. He laughs to himself and heads out of my apartment. I am left alone in my apartment and I begin to sob and pray to God. Why, God, would you allow him to break my heart like this? I thought when I came to you, you would make everything better? Why does it feel like everything just got worse? I am not sure what I am going to do now. I feel like my whole world just came crumbling down. All of a sudden, I remember I have razors in my bathroom and I am tempted to cut my arms. However, I decided against it because I did not want to go back to Cedar Springs. Instead, I pick up my Bible that Mr. Romero gave me and I open it to a random page. I read a Scripture in Hebrews. It says,
"Keep your life free from the love of money and be content with what you have, for he has said, 'I will never leave nor forsake you'"
He says He will never leave nor forsake me? Then, why do I feel forsaken? My life is in shambles because the one person who I gave my heart to has just walked out of my life. Why did you allow this to happen, Lord? Am I being punished for something? I decided I needed a Xanax. So, I take one pill and after a few minutes, I begin to calm down. It does make me drowzy so I lay down on the couch to take a short nap. Maybe when I wake up Hank will be back because he will realize the error of his ways. I can only hope and pray.
***STAY TUNED FOR PART 10 OF THIS SERIES***
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
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