***The following is a fictitious account of a woman named Amy Jamison who struggles with Separation Anxiety Disorder. Some content may be triggering. If you are easily triggered, do not keep reading. If you are not easily triggered, then hopefully you find this story to be a tremendous blessing***
The past day and a half since my therapy visit with Adrian has been a literal hell on earth. For one, Hank never got back to me until around 6:00 in the evening when he came home. What in the world could he have been doing all day? He says he was "at work", but he why couldn't he take a break to either text me or call me? I've been worried sick waiting to hear from him. My thoughts are running wild because of this. Is there another woman? There couldn't be, right? Maybe I am just being too obsessive. Adrian said that I have Separation Anxiety Disorder, whatever that means. Then, to top it all off, when Hank finally did come home, he pretended as if everything was all hunky dory! That is some nerve of his! How insensitive could he be to keep me worrying like this? This morning was absolutely no different either. We woke up around 8:00 and ate breakfast in silence. I had never seen him eat so dang fast in my entire life. He did not even thank me for the pancakes and eggs I cooked specifically for him because I know how much he loves pancakes. Then, he went to take a shower and right away left for work without even saying goodbye. I know that I should not be thinking negatively, but I cannot help but think that something fishy is going on.
My nerves are really acting up right now as I am in my bathroom and sitting on the toilet. I am not sure what to do right now, but I see Hanks's razor blades sitting on the sink. I know this may be wrong, and my therapist definitely would not approve, but cutting my arms seems like the only logical decision right now. I cannot control what Hank says or does, but I can definitely control how much physical pain I inflict on myself. I pick up the razor blade and make an incision on my right arm. Then another one. Then another one. Pretty soon I begin carving Hank's name into my right arm. I know that this may sound crazy or whatever, but I am beginning to feel a whole lot better. Every drop of blood that drips from my arm is a feeling of pure ecstasy. It is almost orgasmic. All of a sudden, I heard a knock on the front door. Who in the world could this be? I quickly wash the blood away wrap my arms in gauze and slip on a light jacket. I know I am indoors so the jacket does not make much sense, but I do not want whoever is at the door to know what I was just doing.
When I open the door I see two nicely dressed young men standing in front of me. They are full of smiles and it makes me nauseous. How could they be so joyful? I actually envy their joy. I miss Hank so I quickly text him saying, "I love you". The two young men introduce themselves as Elders Johnson and Smith. Aren't these two kids too young to be considered "elders"? They go on to tell me that they are from the Church of Latter-Day Saints. I am not sure what that means because I am not religious in any sense of the word. I mean, I believe in God, but I do not subscribe to any kind of organized religion. I am more spiritual than religious. Needless to say, I do invite them to my home because they seem like they are nice people. Besides, maybe they can help distract my mind from thinking of Hank. I check my phone for a reply from him. No response. What is he doing?
The two young men sit down at my dining room table and I join them. I offer them some coffee and they politely refuse. So, I offer them some water, which they accept. I do not understand their aversion to coffee, but whatever. I decided to be a good host. I check my phone one more time. Still no response. I am beginning to worry.
"So, what do you know about Jesus Christ?" Elder Smith asks me quite boldly. I was taken aback because I never thought about Jesus before, except on Christmas and Easter. I confess to them that I do not know anything about Him. Then, I check my phone again. Still, no response. I am starting to get visibly angry. Why is he ignoring me for?
"Well," Elder Johnson begins, "Jesus Christ is the Savior who was sent into the world to save us from our sins basically. Now, He invites us to have a relationship with Him. All we have to do is ask Him into our hearts. Do you know about the Book of Mormon?" This confuses me because I have never heard of any such book before.
"I barely even know about the Bible" I laugh to myself and then look at my phone again. No response. This time I am not surprised. He is probably out there flirting with some other woman. I began feeling depressed and wanting to cut again. The razor in the bathroom is calling my name. Elder Smith starts talking about how the Book of Mormon is a continuation of the Bible or something like that. I am starting to tune them out because all I can think of is Hank. After about thirty minutes I cannot stand it anymore. So, I politely ask them to leave.
"That's fine, ma'am," Elder Smith says, "If we left a copy of the Book of Mormon with you, do you promise to read it and pray about it?" At this point, I am willing to say anything to get these people to leave because I need to do more cutting. Hank will not get out of my head. They slide a Book of Mormon to my side of the table and tell me thanks for my hospitality. I weakly tell them they are welcome. And then I walk them to the front door. As soon as I see them get on their bikes and leave, I close the door and run back to the bathroom. I rip the light jacket off of my body sit back down on the toilet and grab the razor again. This time I begin cutting my left arm. One slit. Then another. And another. Pretty soon I am carving sucks into my arm. Hank Sucks. That is the message I am thinking of right now. The blood is dripping down and I feel great.
All of a sudden, I heard someone coming into the apartment. Who in the world could this be? I get scared because no one else has access to my apartment, except Hank. And he is at work supposedly. I decided to remain very quiet. The blood is dripping into a pool on the bathroom floor. I'll clean that up later. For now, however, I will wrap my left arm up in some gauze too. Whoever just came into my apartment is in my kitchen. What are they doing?
"Ames, do we have any peanut butter?" Hank's voice comes drifting down the hallway. I immediately get excited and run out of the bathroom. As soon as I enter the kitchen, I wrap him up in the biggest bear hug I can manage. He seems confused about my excitement.
"I've only been gone for a couple of hours, babe," He tells me. I know it has only been a couple of hours, but it felt like an eternity. He has to understand that I am lost without his presence. I need him around all the time. This is why I wish he would find a job working from home. Then, we would never have to be apart.
"I know, baby," I begin, "I just missed you so much". His smile warms my heart, but then it turns into a frown when he notices the gauze wraps around my arms. I freeze up immediately. I am not sure what he is thinking right now.
"Are you cutting yourself again, Ames?" He asks in an angry tone of voice and I get frightened. His anger literally scares me. I do not know why though because he has never hit me or anything like that. I just do not like his anger one bit. I stammer with my response and grab my right arm tightly. He then unravels the gauze.
"What the hell do you think you are doing to yourself? Are you flippin' crazy?" He asks in a very judgmental way. I get scared and begin to cry. I frantically try to explain to him how I was losing my mind worrying about him, but then he cuts me off by shoving me into the wall.
"If you are going to insist on acting like a crazy woman, then you may as well be alone. I refuse to date a looney tune!" He says rather sharply and then storms out of the house. I feel like my heart just sank into my chest and I begin sobbing. I do not know what I am going to do because I cannot lose
My nerves are really acting up right now as I am in my bathroom and sitting on the toilet. I am not sure what to do right now, but I see Hanks's razor blades sitting on the sink. I know this may be wrong, and my therapist definitely would not approve, but cutting my arms seems like the only logical decision right now. I cannot control what Hank says or does, but I can definitely control how much physical pain I inflict on myself. I pick up the razor blade and make an incision on my right arm. Then another one. Then another one. Pretty soon I begin carving Hank's name into my right arm. I know that this may sound crazy or whatever, but I am beginning to feel a whole lot better. Every drop of blood that drips from my arm is a feeling of pure ecstasy. It is almost orgasmic. All of a sudden, I heard a knock on the front door. Who in the world could this be? I quickly wash the blood away wrap my arms in gauze and slip on a light jacket. I know I am indoors so the jacket does not make much sense, but I do not want whoever is at the door to know what I was just doing.
When I open the door I see two nicely dressed young men standing in front of me. They are full of smiles and it makes me nauseous. How could they be so joyful? I actually envy their joy. I miss Hank so I quickly text him saying, "I love you". The two young men introduce themselves as Elders Johnson and Smith. Aren't these two kids too young to be considered "elders"? They go on to tell me that they are from the Church of Latter-Day Saints. I am not sure what that means because I am not religious in any sense of the word. I mean, I believe in God, but I do not subscribe to any kind of organized religion. I am more spiritual than religious. Needless to say, I do invite them to my home because they seem like they are nice people. Besides, maybe they can help distract my mind from thinking of Hank. I check my phone for a reply from him. No response. What is he doing?
The two young men sit down at my dining room table and I join them. I offer them some coffee and they politely refuse. So, I offer them some water, which they accept. I do not understand their aversion to coffee, but whatever. I decided to be a good host. I check my phone one more time. Still no response. I am beginning to worry.
"So, what do you know about Jesus Christ?" Elder Smith asks me quite boldly. I was taken aback because I never thought about Jesus before, except on Christmas and Easter. I confess to them that I do not know anything about Him. Then, I check my phone again. Still, no response. I am starting to get visibly angry. Why is he ignoring me for?
"Well," Elder Johnson begins, "Jesus Christ is the Savior who was sent into the world to save us from our sins basically. Now, He invites us to have a relationship with Him. All we have to do is ask Him into our hearts. Do you know about the Book of Mormon?" This confuses me because I have never heard of any such book before.
"I barely even know about the Bible" I laugh to myself and then look at my phone again. No response. This time I am not surprised. He is probably out there flirting with some other woman. I began feeling depressed and wanting to cut again. The razor in the bathroom is calling my name. Elder Smith starts talking about how the Book of Mormon is a continuation of the Bible or something like that. I am starting to tune them out because all I can think of is Hank. After about thirty minutes I cannot stand it anymore. So, I politely ask them to leave.
"That's fine, ma'am," Elder Smith says, "If we left a copy of the Book of Mormon with you, do you promise to read it and pray about it?" At this point, I am willing to say anything to get these people to leave because I need to do more cutting. Hank will not get out of my head. They slide a Book of Mormon to my side of the table and tell me thanks for my hospitality. I weakly tell them they are welcome. And then I walk them to the front door. As soon as I see them get on their bikes and leave, I close the door and run back to the bathroom. I rip the light jacket off of my body sit back down on the toilet and grab the razor again. This time I begin cutting my left arm. One slit. Then another. And another. Pretty soon I am carving sucks into my arm. Hank Sucks. That is the message I am thinking of right now. The blood is dripping down and I feel great.
All of a sudden, I heard someone coming into the apartment. Who in the world could this be? I get scared because no one else has access to my apartment, except Hank. And he is at work supposedly. I decided to remain very quiet. The blood is dripping into a pool on the bathroom floor. I'll clean that up later. For now, however, I will wrap my left arm up in some gauze too. Whoever just came into my apartment is in my kitchen. What are they doing?
"Ames, do we have any peanut butter?" Hank's voice comes drifting down the hallway. I immediately get excited and run out of the bathroom. As soon as I enter the kitchen, I wrap him up in the biggest bear hug I can manage. He seems confused about my excitement.
"I've only been gone for a couple of hours, babe," He tells me. I know it has only been a couple of hours, but it felt like an eternity. He has to understand that I am lost without his presence. I need him around all the time. This is why I wish he would find a job working from home. Then, we would never have to be apart.
"I know, baby," I begin, "I just missed you so much". His smile warms my heart, but then it turns into a frown when he notices the gauze wraps around my arms. I freeze up immediately. I am not sure what he is thinking right now.
"Are you cutting yourself again, Ames?" He asks in an angry tone of voice and I get frightened. His anger literally scares me. I do not know why though because he has never hit me or anything like that. I just do not like his anger one bit. I stammer with my response and grab my right arm tightly. He then unravels the gauze.
"What the hell do you think you are doing to yourself? Are you flippin' crazy?" He asks in a very judgmental way. I get scared and begin to cry. I frantically try to explain to him how I was losing my mind worrying about him, but then he cuts me off by shoving me into the wall.
"If you are going to insist on acting like a crazy woman, then you may as well be alone. I refuse to date a looney tune!" He says rather sharply and then storms out of the house. I feel like my heart just sank into my chest and I begin sobbing. I do not know what I am going to do because I cannot lose
Hank. He is my world and I am lost without him. Maybe those were just empty words and he just needs space to cool off. He is rightfully angry because I am acting like a crazy lady and he does not need that in his life. It is all my fault why he is stressed out. I will get myself cleaned up and later today I will call him to apologize. Maybe if I make his favorite meal for dinner he will be reminded of how much he loves me and decide to stay with me. That is the hope anyway...
***STAY TUNED FOR PART 3 OF THIS SERIES***
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
***STAY TUNED FOR PART 3 OF THIS SERIES***
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
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