***The following is a fictitious account of a woman named Amy Jamison who struggles with Separation Anxiety Disorder. Some content may be triggering. If you are easily triggered, do not keep reading. If you are not easily triggered, then hopefully you find this story to be a tremendous blessing***
I decide that I want to call my brother, so I politely excuse myself from the table. I thank her for talking to me and then I head over to where the phone is.
As I picked up the phone and began dialing Michael's number, I had a sudden thought come across my mind. What if Hank is sleeping with Catie right now? I quickly push that thought out of my head. Michael answers after the third ring and I am glad to hear his voice. I quickly tell him that it is me and he seems surprised to hear my voice. I have not spoken to him in a long while.
"How are you doing, baby sister? Did you get a new phone?" He asks me and I tell him that I am in the hospital. He then asks me if everything is alright.
"Yeah, I just needed a break from life. Sorta like you did a couple of years back. I remember you said this hospital was good for that" I say to him. He asks me what happened and I can hear the sincerity in his voice. I quickly explained to him everything that went down from the moment Hank got upset with me over my cutting, how he pushed me into the wall, and how he told me he was going on a date with his coworker. I begin to tear up again as I am talking. He is listening very intently to my words.
"Do you want me to confront him for you?" He says with an angry tone of voice. I know exactly what he means by "confront" too. Truth be told, Michael could probably really put a hurt on Hank seeing how he is a golden gloves boxer and Hank is just a car mechanic with no fighting experience. However, I do not want Michael to get into trouble with the law. So, I quickly told him no. I also do not want to see Hank get hurt.
"I do love him, Michael, I really do. I just wish he would see that" I tell him and he says he understands, but that he always knew that Hank was no good for me. I am surprised by this because he never told me that before.
"What do you mean?" I sincerely ask. Michael sits in silence for a long moment and I think we got disconnected. So, I say his name to see if he is still on the line.
"Well," he begins "I remember when you first started dating him, he just seemed like a slimy character. He just gave me a bad vibe". I ask him to elaborate on that, but he says he can't.
"Why did you not tell me this before now?" I yell into the phone and once again everyone in the Day Room stares at me, but this time I do not care. How could my brother, my very own brother, not tell me when he thinks someone is no good for me? How could he keep this from me?
"You just seemed so happy and in love that I did not want to ruin it for you!" He finally says and I calm down, but I am still very upset. I cannot believe that he saw a red flag and felt like he should keep it to himself. Isn't he supposed to be my protector as an older brother? How could he allow me to fall head over heels in love with a man who is no good to me? I feel very betrayed. Not only do I feel betrayed by Hank, but now by my own kin. I tell him that I have to go and he says he understands, but he loves me still and would like to hear from me again. I say "Whatever" and slam the phone down on the receiver.
I feel like my whole life is crumbling right before my very eyes. First, my own soul mate might be cheating on me, and now my own brother is a traitor. I thought if I could trust anyone, it would be him. But, apparently, I cannot trust anyone in my life. I do not know who to turn to. But, then, out of nowhere I think about that man I met in the park. What was his name again? Mr. Romero? That's right. I wish I could talk to him again because he seemed like such a sweet man. I couldn't care less about his religion, but he seemed very sincere and trustworthy. I remember he was telling me about how Jesus died and rose again. It still seems farfetched to me, but I remember he gave me a Bible. I wonder if there was anything useful in that book. I could certainly use some self-help tools. Maybe it would teach me how to have better self-esteem and better judgment when it comes to people. I decided to ask the nurses if they had a Bible I could read.
As I approach the nurses' desk, I feel an emptiness in the pit of my stomach. I do not know what that means, so I just ignore it. I asked one of the nurses if I could have a Bible and it just so happens that they have some Bibles that a local church donated. I feel fortunate. They hand me a Bible and I quickly sit down at one of the tables and open it up to the Gospel of John. That's the section I remember Mr. Romero told me to start in. I admit that I find that strange because shouldn't I begin at the beginning of the book instead of the middle. Oh, well, I begin reading anyway.
"That book won't solve your problems!" Jessica yells from across the room, but I ignore her. If this book can make Mr. Romero into a sweet, kind, and peaceful man, then maybe there is something in it for me too. At least, that is my hope anyway. The first chapter is sorta hard to understand, but one sentence stands out to me above all. It says,
"And the word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth"
"Full of grace and truth"? I wonder if that is referring to this Jesus guy Mr. Romero was telling me about. Hank definitely could not be described as being full of grace and truth for sure! I decided that I wanted to know more about Jesus simply because I've never known a man who could be described in this way. The two most important men in my life are definitely horrible people. If this Jesus character is better than my brother and Hank, then I want to know more about Him. I get up from the table and begin heading back to my room. I decided that I am going to spend the rest of the day reading the Gospel of John because I want the kind of peace I have seen Mr. Romero demonstrate. If there is any truth in this Jesus story, then I am going to seek it out.
***STAY TUNED FOR PART 8 OF THIS SERIES***
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
This morning I woke up feeling very depressed. I had a scary dream that Hank was chasing me with a knife that he wanted to stab into my back. I ran down the street by my apartment and tried to yell for help, but no sound came out of my mouth. All of a sudden, I could not move anymore, and he was slowly moving closer to me. The louder I tried to scream, the more frozen I became. No one was around to see me or help me. As Hank came up to me, he had this evil grin on his face. Then, he did the unspeakable. He shoved the sharp blade right into my back and I fell down to the earth and began bleeding to death. He was standing over me and Catie came onto the scene and she was laughing. Then, the two of them walked away together. That is when I finally was able to wake up. I was in a cold sweat. I never want to go back to sleep ever again.
I overhear the nurses yelling that it is time for breakfast. So, I slowly trudge into the Day Room. Maybe breakfast will be something good like last time. At least I can look forward to that. I sit down at one of the tables, as the nurse brings me a tray. When I open it up, I see cornflakes and a bran muffin again. They really know what I like. Jessica sits down right next to me and she is smiling from ear to ear. At least one of us is happy. I have nothing to be happy about.
"I am discharging today!" She exclaims as if I wanted to know that. I smile weakly at her and tell her that I am happy for her. However, I think she can tell that I am not in a good mood. She then asks me what is wrong.
"Do you really think my boyfriend is cheating on me?" I decided to ask her flat out. She then lowers her head and gives me a sympathetic look. I can tell that she does sincerely care for me. But, right now I just feel like I really need to speak to Hank.
"Hunny," she begins, "I know it is hard to accept, but yes, that man is cheating on you" My eyes begin to tear up but I wipe them away with a napkin. I then ask her how she can be so sure about that. I mean, shouldn't there be some signs or something? I do not see any red flags. Sure, Hank does not respond to my calls or text messages, but he also works all the time. Isn't that a logical justification for his absence? I do not want to start accusing him of stuff he is not guilty of just because I am hurt. That is what a bad girlfriend does. I do not want to be a bad girlfriend. Or a crazy girlfriend.
"Look at the evidence," She says "Do you really think a good man who loves would take another woman out on a date alone?"
"I do find that a bit strange, but at the same time he never called it a date. Can't it be him hanging out with a friend?" I ask and she laughs out loud.
"Sure, he is 'hanging out with a friend' who happens to be a woman and he is alone with her! Come on, girl! Use your head!" She yells and I feel ashamed because everyone in the Day Room is now looking at me. When she puts it like that, I must admit that it does raise a red flag in my mind. However, I need more than just that before I begin accusing him of cheating. That is a serious accusation that should not be thrown out flippantly. I wish I had my phone so I could text Hank and ask him what he is doing. He probably would not respond to me anyway.
"I see your point, but I need more than just that as evidence," I say and she groans out loud. I take another bite out of my bran muffin. She looks me dead in the eyes and says, "Do you think he will even come visit you while you are here? I am willing to bet you he won't!"
"He does not even know I am here!" I shoot back at her and she seems surprised to hear that. I tell her that right before I admitted myself into here I texted him one last time and all I said was that he won't hear from me for a few days. Then, I turned off my phone, I say. She slumps back into her chair and lets out a sigh. Then, she perks up, as if she just had an epiphany.
"How many times a day do you call and text him? How often does he respond?" She asks and then gives me a strange look in her eyes as if she just asked me a gotcha question. I look down at my food for a moment while I think and then I look back up to her.
"I probably text and call him like every two minutes all day..." My voice trails off. As I said those words, they seemed crazy to me, but at the same time, I knew I did it because I wanted him to know that I loved him and that I was thinking of him. She then asks me how often he responds. I know she got me there. So, I confess to her that he rarely does respond, but I quickly add that he works full time.
"That does not matter one bit, honey!" She says, "You mean to tell me he never gets breaks? Not even once?" I admit that was a very good point. This conversation is making me feel very sad. I do not want to think that Hank is cheating on me, but I have to admit that he has been behaving rather shady lately.
I overhear the nurses yelling that it is time for breakfast. So, I slowly trudge into the Day Room. Maybe breakfast will be something good like last time. At least I can look forward to that. I sit down at one of the tables, as the nurse brings me a tray. When I open it up, I see cornflakes and a bran muffin again. They really know what I like. Jessica sits down right next to me and she is smiling from ear to ear. At least one of us is happy. I have nothing to be happy about.
"I am discharging today!" She exclaims as if I wanted to know that. I smile weakly at her and tell her that I am happy for her. However, I think she can tell that I am not in a good mood. She then asks me what is wrong.
"Do you really think my boyfriend is cheating on me?" I decided to ask her flat out. She then lowers her head and gives me a sympathetic look. I can tell that she does sincerely care for me. But, right now I just feel like I really need to speak to Hank.
"Hunny," she begins, "I know it is hard to accept, but yes, that man is cheating on you" My eyes begin to tear up but I wipe them away with a napkin. I then ask her how she can be so sure about that. I mean, shouldn't there be some signs or something? I do not see any red flags. Sure, Hank does not respond to my calls or text messages, but he also works all the time. Isn't that a logical justification for his absence? I do not want to start accusing him of stuff he is not guilty of just because I am hurt. That is what a bad girlfriend does. I do not want to be a bad girlfriend. Or a crazy girlfriend.
"Look at the evidence," She says "Do you really think a good man who loves would take another woman out on a date alone?"
"I do find that a bit strange, but at the same time he never called it a date. Can't it be him hanging out with a friend?" I ask and she laughs out loud.
"Sure, he is 'hanging out with a friend' who happens to be a woman and he is alone with her! Come on, girl! Use your head!" She yells and I feel ashamed because everyone in the Day Room is now looking at me. When she puts it like that, I must admit that it does raise a red flag in my mind. However, I need more than just that before I begin accusing him of cheating. That is a serious accusation that should not be thrown out flippantly. I wish I had my phone so I could text Hank and ask him what he is doing. He probably would not respond to me anyway.
"I see your point, but I need more than just that as evidence," I say and she groans out loud. I take another bite out of my bran muffin. She looks me dead in the eyes and says, "Do you think he will even come visit you while you are here? I am willing to bet you he won't!"
"He does not even know I am here!" I shoot back at her and she seems surprised to hear that. I tell her that right before I admitted myself into here I texted him one last time and all I said was that he won't hear from me for a few days. Then, I turned off my phone, I say. She slumps back into her chair and lets out a sigh. Then, she perks up, as if she just had an epiphany.
"How many times a day do you call and text him? How often does he respond?" She asks and then gives me a strange look in her eyes as if she just asked me a gotcha question. I look down at my food for a moment while I think and then I look back up to her.
"I probably text and call him like every two minutes all day..." My voice trails off. As I said those words, they seemed crazy to me, but at the same time, I knew I did it because I wanted him to know that I loved him and that I was thinking of him. She then asks me how often he responds. I know she got me there. So, I confess to her that he rarely does respond, but I quickly add that he works full time.
"That does not matter one bit, honey!" She says, "You mean to tell me he never gets breaks? Not even once?" I admit that was a very good point. This conversation is making me feel very sad. I do not want to think that Hank is cheating on me, but I have to admit that he has been behaving rather shady lately.
As I picked up the phone and began dialing Michael's number, I had a sudden thought come across my mind. What if Hank is sleeping with Catie right now? I quickly push that thought out of my head. Michael answers after the third ring and I am glad to hear his voice. I quickly tell him that it is me and he seems surprised to hear my voice. I have not spoken to him in a long while.
"How are you doing, baby sister? Did you get a new phone?" He asks me and I tell him that I am in the hospital. He then asks me if everything is alright.
"Yeah, I just needed a break from life. Sorta like you did a couple of years back. I remember you said this hospital was good for that" I say to him. He asks me what happened and I can hear the sincerity in his voice. I quickly explained to him everything that went down from the moment Hank got upset with me over my cutting, how he pushed me into the wall, and how he told me he was going on a date with his coworker. I begin to tear up again as I am talking. He is listening very intently to my words.
"Do you want me to confront him for you?" He says with an angry tone of voice. I know exactly what he means by "confront" too. Truth be told, Michael could probably really put a hurt on Hank seeing how he is a golden gloves boxer and Hank is just a car mechanic with no fighting experience. However, I do not want Michael to get into trouble with the law. So, I quickly told him no. I also do not want to see Hank get hurt.
"I do love him, Michael, I really do. I just wish he would see that" I tell him and he says he understands, but that he always knew that Hank was no good for me. I am surprised by this because he never told me that before.
"What do you mean?" I sincerely ask. Michael sits in silence for a long moment and I think we got disconnected. So, I say his name to see if he is still on the line.
"Well," he begins "I remember when you first started dating him, he just seemed like a slimy character. He just gave me a bad vibe". I ask him to elaborate on that, but he says he can't.
"Why did you not tell me this before now?" I yell into the phone and once again everyone in the Day Room stares at me, but this time I do not care. How could my brother, my very own brother, not tell me when he thinks someone is no good for me? How could he keep this from me?
"You just seemed so happy and in love that I did not want to ruin it for you!" He finally says and I calm down, but I am still very upset. I cannot believe that he saw a red flag and felt like he should keep it to himself. Isn't he supposed to be my protector as an older brother? How could he allow me to fall head over heels in love with a man who is no good to me? I feel very betrayed. Not only do I feel betrayed by Hank, but now by my own kin. I tell him that I have to go and he says he understands, but he loves me still and would like to hear from me again. I say "Whatever" and slam the phone down on the receiver.
I feel like my whole life is crumbling right before my very eyes. First, my own soul mate might be cheating on me, and now my own brother is a traitor. I thought if I could trust anyone, it would be him. But, apparently, I cannot trust anyone in my life. I do not know who to turn to. But, then, out of nowhere I think about that man I met in the park. What was his name again? Mr. Romero? That's right. I wish I could talk to him again because he seemed like such a sweet man. I couldn't care less about his religion, but he seemed very sincere and trustworthy. I remember he was telling me about how Jesus died and rose again. It still seems farfetched to me, but I remember he gave me a Bible. I wonder if there was anything useful in that book. I could certainly use some self-help tools. Maybe it would teach me how to have better self-esteem and better judgment when it comes to people. I decided to ask the nurses if they had a Bible I could read.
As I approach the nurses' desk, I feel an emptiness in the pit of my stomach. I do not know what that means, so I just ignore it. I asked one of the nurses if I could have a Bible and it just so happens that they have some Bibles that a local church donated. I feel fortunate. They hand me a Bible and I quickly sit down at one of the tables and open it up to the Gospel of John. That's the section I remember Mr. Romero told me to start in. I admit that I find that strange because shouldn't I begin at the beginning of the book instead of the middle. Oh, well, I begin reading anyway.
"That book won't solve your problems!" Jessica yells from across the room, but I ignore her. If this book can make Mr. Romero into a sweet, kind, and peaceful man, then maybe there is something in it for me too. At least, that is my hope anyway. The first chapter is sorta hard to understand, but one sentence stands out to me above all. It says,
"And the word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth"
"Full of grace and truth"? I wonder if that is referring to this Jesus guy Mr. Romero was telling me about. Hank definitely could not be described as being full of grace and truth for sure! I decided that I wanted to know more about Jesus simply because I've never known a man who could be described in this way. The two most important men in my life are definitely horrible people. If this Jesus character is better than my brother and Hank, then I want to know more about Him. I get up from the table and begin heading back to my room. I decided that I am going to spend the rest of the day reading the Gospel of John because I want the kind of peace I have seen Mr. Romero demonstrate. If there is any truth in this Jesus story, then I am going to seek it out.
***STAY TUNED FOR PART 8 OF THIS SERIES***
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
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