It is heartbreaking whenever I hear of a marriage that fails. It is especially heartbreaking whenever a marriage fails because of mental illness. It is already hard enough for those of us with mental illnesses to find a spouse so it is even more devastating when the marriage ends. You may be wondering how common is this phenomenon exactly, right? I have seen estimates say that about 20 to 80% of marriages that deal with mental illnesses end in divorce. This means that when one or both spouses have mental illness the marriage is at a greater risk of divorce than normal marriages. On the one hand, this is totally understandable. I say this because marriage is hard enough on its own, but it is even more difficult when you throw mental illness into the mix. On the other hand, this is a devastating fact because the marriage covenant is supposed to be for a lifetime. The marriage between one man and one woman is supposed to be a beautiful reflection of Christ's relationship with His bride. Unfortunately, because we are sinful, we do not always reflect this image perfectly. We are self-centered and selfish individuals who always seem to want things our way. When things do not go our way, our first response is to flee. As Christians, our first response to hardship should not be this way. In this blog, I shall give you some important tips on how to make your marriage work while dealing with a mental illness. Keep in mind that your marriage will be difficult especially when one spouse has a mental illness. I would be lying to you if I said it would be easy. I admit that I do not follow my own advice perfectly, as my wife would testify to that fact. However, when we fail, there is grace. If you follow this advice to the best of your abilities, you will be well on your way to having a successful and godly marriage that is pleasing to the Lord. As a husband with mental illness, I will be writing this blog to other husbands with mental illness. I cannot give advice to women in this position because I am not a woman obviously. However, women who read this can still benefit from this in the way of seeing what kind of man they should seek to marry. I will separate this blog into three categories: Dying To Self, Understanding, and Leadership. I know that these are not the only methods that lead to a successful and godly marriage, but these are the main categories I would like to focus on for the sake of this blog. If you would like to add more, please feel free to do so in the comments below. Now, I will elaborate on my points.
Dying To Self
In Ephesians 5:25, we read the following,
"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..."
This is a profound statement that Paul is making here. As husbands, we love our wives the same way that Christ loves His church. What does this look like? Well, Jesus loved His bride so much that He was willing to die for her. In the same way, we should be willing to die for our wives. I mean this both in a literal way and a figurative way. When it comes to physical harm, we should be willing to protect our wives from any and all physical harm. However, we should also die to ourselves daily for our wives' sake. This means that when our favorite sports game is on and our wife wants to spend quality time, we should be willing to forego watching the game to spend time doing something our wives would like to do together. It also means that if our wives ask us to do something that requires our time and attention, we should forsake doing whatever it is we would prefer doing to do what they ask us to do instead. I understand that this is asking a lot from us because our mental illnesses tend to make us selfish and self-centered, but the Scriptures command us to literally die to ourselves for our wives. This means that we need to put our wives' needs, desires, and wants before our needs, desires, and wants. It is easier said than done, but with the Holy Spirit's help and guidance, it is possible.
Understanding
When we turn to 1 Peter 3:7, we read the following,
"...husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered"
When Peter here refers to women as the weaker vessels, he is not only speaking about physical strength. Women are the weaker vessels in the sense that they are more easily led astray than men are. I know that this truth runs counter to what our culture says, but I am more concerned about what Scripture says. As you can see from this text, we are commanded to live in an understanding way towards our wives. This means that we should always be learning about them. As men, we are so quick to learn the stats of our favorite athletes or even learn more about our favorite hobbies. However, so many of us fail to learn about our wives. Our wives should be our main priority in this life and because of that they should also be the main subject our our interest to learn about. When was the last time you asked your wife what her favorite song of the day was? When was the last time you asked your wife what she is currently interested in for the day? I confess that I too often fail in this endeavor myself. As men with mental illnesses, we tend to be so caught up with our own stuff that we neglect learning about our wives. It is a tragic thing when we do this and it does not please God. Did you notice how this verse ends? When we neglect to learn about our wives, our prayers really are hindered. I believe that the reason our prayers are hindered is because we are not properly reflecting the image of Christ and His bride and thus God is not pleased with us. I would even dare say that when we do not live in an understanding way towards our wives, we are living in sin before the Lord.
Leadership
When we turn back to Ephesians 5:23, we read the following,
"For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its savior"
As you can clearly see from this text the husband is supposed to be the head of his wife. This means it is the responsibility of the husband to lead his wife. Furthermore, it is the wife's responsibility to submit to her husband. I know that this is a controversial subject today, but it is the truth. As husbands, we are responsible for the way we lead our wives. Our mental illnesses do not excuse us from this task. I understand that our mental illnesses can, and often do, cause us to become slack in our leadership. There are days when I would much prefer to sit in front of the television instead of leading my wife in family devotions. However, the reality is that we are always leading our wives no matter what. When we are taking a passive role, we are still leading them just as much as when we are taking an active role. The only difference is that when we are passive in our leadership, we are leading our wives away from the Lord. And when we are active in our leadership, we are leading our wives toward the Lord. As Christian men, it should cause us great shame when we think about how much we fail to lead our wives properly either due to laziness or just being plain inconsiderate and selfish. Our mental illnesses are absolutely no excuse to neglect our leadership role over our wives and when we neglect this responsibility, the Lord is not pleased with us.
I hope that this blog helps you better understand what makes a successful marriage when it comes to dealing with mental illnesses. As I have already stated, if you follow these tips, it will lead you into a more fulfilling and successful marriage that pleases God. However, if you have failed to follow any of these tips, do not worry. You are not condemned (Romans 8:1). We all fail in one way or another because we are all sinful human beings. If you have failed in any way, confess your sin to God, and then allow Him to pick you back up so you can try again with the Holy Spirit's guidance. Thank you for taking the time to read this blog and please share this with someone you think needs to read this. May the grace of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ richly bless you all!
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
Dying To Self
In Ephesians 5:25, we read the following,
"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..."
This is a profound statement that Paul is making here. As husbands, we love our wives the same way that Christ loves His church. What does this look like? Well, Jesus loved His bride so much that He was willing to die for her. In the same way, we should be willing to die for our wives. I mean this both in a literal way and a figurative way. When it comes to physical harm, we should be willing to protect our wives from any and all physical harm. However, we should also die to ourselves daily for our wives' sake. This means that when our favorite sports game is on and our wife wants to spend quality time, we should be willing to forego watching the game to spend time doing something our wives would like to do together. It also means that if our wives ask us to do something that requires our time and attention, we should forsake doing whatever it is we would prefer doing to do what they ask us to do instead. I understand that this is asking a lot from us because our mental illnesses tend to make us selfish and self-centered, but the Scriptures command us to literally die to ourselves for our wives. This means that we need to put our wives' needs, desires, and wants before our needs, desires, and wants. It is easier said than done, but with the Holy Spirit's help and guidance, it is possible.
Understanding
When we turn to 1 Peter 3:7, we read the following,
"...husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered"
When Peter here refers to women as the weaker vessels, he is not only speaking about physical strength. Women are the weaker vessels in the sense that they are more easily led astray than men are. I know that this truth runs counter to what our culture says, but I am more concerned about what Scripture says. As you can see from this text, we are commanded to live in an understanding way towards our wives. This means that we should always be learning about them. As men, we are so quick to learn the stats of our favorite athletes or even learn more about our favorite hobbies. However, so many of us fail to learn about our wives. Our wives should be our main priority in this life and because of that they should also be the main subject our our interest to learn about. When was the last time you asked your wife what her favorite song of the day was? When was the last time you asked your wife what she is currently interested in for the day? I confess that I too often fail in this endeavor myself. As men with mental illnesses, we tend to be so caught up with our own stuff that we neglect learning about our wives. It is a tragic thing when we do this and it does not please God. Did you notice how this verse ends? When we neglect to learn about our wives, our prayers really are hindered. I believe that the reason our prayers are hindered is because we are not properly reflecting the image of Christ and His bride and thus God is not pleased with us. I would even dare say that when we do not live in an understanding way towards our wives, we are living in sin before the Lord.
Leadership
When we turn back to Ephesians 5:23, we read the following,
"For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its savior"
As you can clearly see from this text the husband is supposed to be the head of his wife. This means it is the responsibility of the husband to lead his wife. Furthermore, it is the wife's responsibility to submit to her husband. I know that this is a controversial subject today, but it is the truth. As husbands, we are responsible for the way we lead our wives. Our mental illnesses do not excuse us from this task. I understand that our mental illnesses can, and often do, cause us to become slack in our leadership. There are days when I would much prefer to sit in front of the television instead of leading my wife in family devotions. However, the reality is that we are always leading our wives no matter what. When we are taking a passive role, we are still leading them just as much as when we are taking an active role. The only difference is that when we are passive in our leadership, we are leading our wives away from the Lord. And when we are active in our leadership, we are leading our wives toward the Lord. As Christian men, it should cause us great shame when we think about how much we fail to lead our wives properly either due to laziness or just being plain inconsiderate and selfish. Our mental illnesses are absolutely no excuse to neglect our leadership role over our wives and when we neglect this responsibility, the Lord is not pleased with us.
I hope that this blog helps you better understand what makes a successful marriage when it comes to dealing with mental illnesses. As I have already stated, if you follow these tips, it will lead you into a more fulfilling and successful marriage that pleases God. However, if you have failed to follow any of these tips, do not worry. You are not condemned (Romans 8:1). We all fail in one way or another because we are all sinful human beings. If you have failed in any way, confess your sin to God, and then allow Him to pick you back up so you can try again with the Holy Spirit's guidance. Thank you for taking the time to read this blog and please share this with someone you think needs to read this. May the grace of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ richly bless you all!
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
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