It is the day after Valentine's Day and I am sitting in a cell. I know I am in a crappy situation, but all I can think about is what I did yesterday. Do I feel sorry? Of course not! Some people might think I should feel sorry, but those people deserved what I did to them. After all the torment they put me through every single godforsaken day, it was only a matter of time before I would be able to enact my revenge. I knew that one day the universe would look down upon me and allow me to pay these people back. What exactly did I do? Oh, you wouldn't believe it if I told you. You would probably think to yourself, "How could such an innocent young teen do such a horrendous thing?" But, trust me, I am FAR from innocent. Sure, at one time in my life, I was innocent, but after so many years of dealing with these people, my innocence has eroded. I know you would like to know what exactly I did. After all, as this jail's therapist, you are being paid to listen to young people like me share their stories right? Well, I will tell you, but first I need to give some back story because, as you will see, what I did yesterday was a culmination of all the wickedness that was dealt to me for many years. If you have the time, I would like to tell you my story now. I know you are going to want to "diagnose" me afterward, but I do not care because I am not crazy. You will see that everything that I did was not the work of a crazy person, instead, it was done by someone who has been tormented and scorned.
My Back Story
My story goes back to my freshman year at Wasson High School, the home of the Thunderbirds. I always hated that school with a passion. You see, I was supposed to go to Harrison High School, where all of my friends were, but I was placed in a foster home. Can you believe that? Me, in a stupid foster home? It was all because my mother wanted to see both her and I be killed by the police. What kind of mother would do that? You would think that I would hate my mother because of this, right? Well, I do not. I actually pity her. She has lived a tough life, probably tougher than I could ever experience. Anyway, so ever since I started at this new school, the kids there have always treated me like I was some sort of outcast. They did not realize it, but I have always noticed their stares as I walked through the halls. I even would hear their whispers about me too. I just would choose not to react. Isn't that what I was supposed to do? I know Jesus talked about turning the other cheek and all that. This would go on for the entire year. I think they all must have thought I was some sort of freak since I was a ward of the state. Needless to say, I literally had no friends that year. I had no one to turn to when the voices began talking to me. The voices would tell me how I was better than everyone and how none of those wannabes deserved to be in my presence. To be honest, I actually found solace in these voices because I felt like they truly understood me. I even attached names to the voices: Alex and Jessica. Alex sounded like a gruff lumberjack and Jessica sounded like a sweet angel from God. True, they were polar opposites, but I grew to love them both equally. In retrospect, I think this led the other kids to think I was even more strange, and they decided to shun me even more. I did not really care whatsoever because I had Alex and Jessica as friends. They were all I needed in this godforsaken life.
Then Sophomore year came around and that is when this girl in my history class began paying attention to me. Her name was Toni Harrison. I was pretty surprised that she would even look my way because she was one of the popular girls. It all started when I was about to walk into class one day and she approached me out of nowhere.
"Are you Mark?" She quietly, but innocently asked me. At first, I did not know how to respond. So, I stood there in silence and just gawked at her long legs. She asked me the same question again.
"Uh, yeah, why?" I managed to get out and she looked down to the floor, and then back up to me. I felt sorta sheepish at this moment, but I was enraptured by her beauty.
"Don't trust her, kid" Alex ordered me, but I just ignored him. Sometimes Alex can be so ignorant. I love him like a brother, but I do not need him to tell me who to trust. I am a pretty good judge of character. Besides, a pretty girl like her seems harmless.
"Well, I am friends with your foster brother, Mike" She calmly says and I immediately feel angry because me and Mike do not even get along. He is always starting fights with me back home. All of a sudden, I do not like where this is going. So, I begin to turn around to start heading into the classroom. She grabbed my arm and I froze in my tracks. What does she want from me, I wondered.
"Look," She says, "I know you and Mike aren't the best of friends..." Her voice trails off. Of course, we are not the best of friends. We are not friends at all! Why would I even consider being friends with someone who is always talking trash about my mother?
"Mike just told me a lot about you and I thought you seemed interesting" She finally told me. Interesting? What exactly did Mike tell her about me? I shudder to think about it. She then proceeds to ask me if I'd like to go on a date with her to the movies this weekend. I am stunned by this request. Up until now, no one even wanted to be my friend, and now the most popular girl in school is asking me out for a date! Something is not adding up here.
"I am telling you, kid," Alex says, "She ain't right in the head. Get away from her now!" I chose to ignore him because I wanted to believe that she was being genuine with me. For once, I believed that fate was smiling upon me. Needless to say, I agreed to go to the movies with her this weekend. She tells me that is great and that we can meet up at Rudd Park on Friday afternoon and walk to the theater together. I am elated by this for the rest of the day. It felt like I was on cloud 9.
Then, Friday comes and I am getting dressed up in my best outfit that I have. I decided to take two showers that day and I even wore some Old Spice cologne too. Mike sees me and tells me congratulations on the date. I was surprised by his reaction because I thought he hated me. I reluctantly tell him thanks. As I am heading upstairs, my foster dad, Randy, sees me.
"Where are you going all dressed up like that, son?" He says with a big smile on his face. I tell him that I have a date and he seems genuinely happy to hear that. I know he and Carolyn have been trying to get me to come out of my shell for quite some time now. They must be pleased. As I walked down the street to Rudd Park, I thought of the song Walking on Sunshine. That is how I felt at the moment. Nothing could ruin this mood I was in... Or so, I thought, anyway. As I approached the park, I saw Toni sitting at the park picnic table. She looked absolutely radiant. However, as I approached her, with flowers in my hand, three huge guys came out of nowhere. They dumped a bucket full of vomit all over me and then picked me up and stuffed me in the garbage can! I have never been so humiliated in my entire life. All of them began laughing, including Toni! As I managed to climb out of the garbage can, I angrily stared at the three huge guys, but then my stare focused on her. I could not believe she would do such a thing like this. She seemed like an angel. More like a fallen angel from the depths of hell.
"I told you not to trust her," Alex breaks into my thoughts, but I am too livid to respond to him. I actually begin to tear up because I am so angry.
"Aw, don't worry, Mark," Jessica speaks up now, "They will get theirs one day". That does not help much either. Toni noticed that I was tearing up and she dared to mock me! Who the hell does this girl think she is? At that moment, I decided I needed to get away from them before I did something I'd later regret. So, I ran back to my foster home. I just wanted to take a shower and then hide in my room and never come back out. As a result of this, I had to deal with the entire school mocking me for the rest of the year. I began to seriously loathe the students at that school, but I never once told anyone except for Alex and Jessica. Only they truly understood me. As a result, I began to talk to them much more in public and in private. I did not care how I looked at others. They can think I am a nutcase for all I care. I want nothing to do with these freaks anyway. This brings me to the present.
Then Sophomore year came around and that is when this girl in my history class began paying attention to me. Her name was Toni Harrison. I was pretty surprised that she would even look my way because she was one of the popular girls. It all started when I was about to walk into class one day and she approached me out of nowhere.
"Are you Mark?" She quietly, but innocently asked me. At first, I did not know how to respond. So, I stood there in silence and just gawked at her long legs. She asked me the same question again.
"Uh, yeah, why?" I managed to get out and she looked down to the floor, and then back up to me. I felt sorta sheepish at this moment, but I was enraptured by her beauty.
"Don't trust her, kid" Alex ordered me, but I just ignored him. Sometimes Alex can be so ignorant. I love him like a brother, but I do not need him to tell me who to trust. I am a pretty good judge of character. Besides, a pretty girl like her seems harmless.
"Well, I am friends with your foster brother, Mike" She calmly says and I immediately feel angry because me and Mike do not even get along. He is always starting fights with me back home. All of a sudden, I do not like where this is going. So, I begin to turn around to start heading into the classroom. She grabbed my arm and I froze in my tracks. What does she want from me, I wondered.
"Look," She says, "I know you and Mike aren't the best of friends..." Her voice trails off. Of course, we are not the best of friends. We are not friends at all! Why would I even consider being friends with someone who is always talking trash about my mother?
"Mike just told me a lot about you and I thought you seemed interesting" She finally told me. Interesting? What exactly did Mike tell her about me? I shudder to think about it. She then proceeds to ask me if I'd like to go on a date with her to the movies this weekend. I am stunned by this request. Up until now, no one even wanted to be my friend, and now the most popular girl in school is asking me out for a date! Something is not adding up here.
"I am telling you, kid," Alex says, "She ain't right in the head. Get away from her now!" I chose to ignore him because I wanted to believe that she was being genuine with me. For once, I believed that fate was smiling upon me. Needless to say, I agreed to go to the movies with her this weekend. She tells me that is great and that we can meet up at Rudd Park on Friday afternoon and walk to the theater together. I am elated by this for the rest of the day. It felt like I was on cloud 9.
Then, Friday comes and I am getting dressed up in my best outfit that I have. I decided to take two showers that day and I even wore some Old Spice cologne too. Mike sees me and tells me congratulations on the date. I was surprised by his reaction because I thought he hated me. I reluctantly tell him thanks. As I am heading upstairs, my foster dad, Randy, sees me.
"Where are you going all dressed up like that, son?" He says with a big smile on his face. I tell him that I have a date and he seems genuinely happy to hear that. I know he and Carolyn have been trying to get me to come out of my shell for quite some time now. They must be pleased. As I walked down the street to Rudd Park, I thought of the song Walking on Sunshine. That is how I felt at the moment. Nothing could ruin this mood I was in... Or so, I thought, anyway. As I approached the park, I saw Toni sitting at the park picnic table. She looked absolutely radiant. However, as I approached her, with flowers in my hand, three huge guys came out of nowhere. They dumped a bucket full of vomit all over me and then picked me up and stuffed me in the garbage can! I have never been so humiliated in my entire life. All of them began laughing, including Toni! As I managed to climb out of the garbage can, I angrily stared at the three huge guys, but then my stare focused on her. I could not believe she would do such a thing like this. She seemed like an angel. More like a fallen angel from the depths of hell.
"I told you not to trust her," Alex breaks into my thoughts, but I am too livid to respond to him. I actually begin to tear up because I am so angry.
"Aw, don't worry, Mark," Jessica speaks up now, "They will get theirs one day". That does not help much either. Toni noticed that I was tearing up and she dared to mock me! Who the hell does this girl think she is? At that moment, I decided I needed to get away from them before I did something I'd later regret. So, I ran back to my foster home. I just wanted to take a shower and then hide in my room and never come back out. As a result of this, I had to deal with the entire school mocking me for the rest of the year. I began to seriously loathe the students at that school, but I never once told anyone except for Alex and Jessica. Only they truly understood me. As a result, I began to talk to them much more in public and in private. I did not care how I looked at others. They can think I am a nutcase for all I care. I want nothing to do with these freaks anyway. This brings me to the present.
Junior Year, Valentine's Day
By this time, I had already fully accepted that my only true friends were Alex and Jessica. I would tell myself that I was fine with that, but I really wasn't. Truth be told, I wish I did have actual friends, other than my voices in my head. However, that is not what the Universe had planned for me. Since Valentine's Day was fast approaching, I had to unfortunately witness other people asking others to the Valentine's Day dance. No one bothered to ask me. No surprise there. I would like to say that it did not matter to me, but that would be a lie. Honestly, I was really envious of all the guys getting hooked up with all the beautiful girls. Even the nerds had dates! This made me seethe with anger.
"The anger you feel, kid," Alex told me, "It is perfectly natural. You deserve better and you need to do something about it. Take back your dignity!" When I heard that, I immediately knew what I needed to do. I was going to go to the Valentine's Day dance by myself. But, I would do something that everyone would remember for the rest of their lives. Randy has an AR-15 that he keeps hidden in the garage. At least, he thinks it is hidden, but I know exactly where it is because one night when he was drunk, I watched where he placed it.
The night of the dance, I donned my best suit and tie and went into the garage, and grabbed Randy's gun. Then, I snuck out of the home and began walking to the school. Alex and Jessica are busy arguing inside my head and it is driving me insane. Jessica was begging me to not proceed with my plan and Alex is encouraging me to follow through with it. I decided to ignore Jessica and listen to Alex. She eventually goes silent when she realizes she is not getting through to me. As soon as I walked into the gym, I aimed the gun and began shooting everyone in sight. I must admit, as I watched people dropping to the ground, and others running from me, I felt a sense of power that I never felt before. Alex keeps egging me on and I keep shooting at people. I want to see all of these wretched people die by my hands. I must have gotten too caught up in what I was doing because I did not even notice the SWAT team guy tackle me from behind. Then, he slapped handcuffs on me. At that moment, I realized the fun was over. But, I did accomplish my goal. This year's Valentine's Day will always be remembered.
"The anger you feel, kid," Alex told me, "It is perfectly natural. You deserve better and you need to do something about it. Take back your dignity!" When I heard that, I immediately knew what I needed to do. I was going to go to the Valentine's Day dance by myself. But, I would do something that everyone would remember for the rest of their lives. Randy has an AR-15 that he keeps hidden in the garage. At least, he thinks it is hidden, but I know exactly where it is because one night when he was drunk, I watched where he placed it.
The night of the dance, I donned my best suit and tie and went into the garage, and grabbed Randy's gun. Then, I snuck out of the home and began walking to the school. Alex and Jessica are busy arguing inside my head and it is driving me insane. Jessica was begging me to not proceed with my plan and Alex is encouraging me to follow through with it. I decided to ignore Jessica and listen to Alex. She eventually goes silent when she realizes she is not getting through to me. As soon as I walked into the gym, I aimed the gun and began shooting everyone in sight. I must admit, as I watched people dropping to the ground, and others running from me, I felt a sense of power that I never felt before. Alex keeps egging me on and I keep shooting at people. I want to see all of these wretched people die by my hands. I must have gotten too caught up in what I was doing because I did not even notice the SWAT team guy tackle me from behind. Then, he slapped handcuffs on me. At that moment, I realized the fun was over. But, I did accomplish my goal. This year's Valentine's Day will always be remembered.
Present Day
"So, do you feel any kind of remorse for what you did, Mark?" The therapist asks me with a very stern look. I wonder what he is really thinking after hearing all of that. I looked down at his feet and noticed that one of his shoes did not match. Then, I looked back up at him with a solemn look on my face.
"Yeah, I guess I do a little" I reply, "I mean just because they were horrible toward me does not give me the right to play God over their lives right?" The therapist concurs with my question and I immediately feel the weight of my guilt. Why didn't I listen to Jessica? I should have because she has been right all along.
"What is wrong with me, doctor?" I seriously ask him. He proceeds to tell me that I suffer from Schizophrenia and briefly explains to me what that means. I am surprised to hear that other people hear voices in their heads too. Maybe I am not so weird, after all. I feel a major sense of relief over that fact. The therapist tells me that he is going to refer me to the jail's psychiatrist so that I can get on some medication immediately. He says that it won't make the voices go completely away, but it will make them and my moods a lot more manageable. I agree to take the medication. I am willing to do anything to feel normal. Right before he ends the session, he puts away his notepad and asks if he can ask me a question. I tell him that he can.
"Do you know Jesus Christ?" He asks me and I find this question a bit odd. I mean, my mother used to talk about Jesus a lot when I lived with her, but I didn't really understand what she was talking about. I tell him no. He straightens in his chair and smiles.
"Listen very carefully to me, Mark," He proceeds to say, "2,000 years ago, God came to earth as a man to die for the sins of you and me. See, we deserved God's just wrath for our sins, but He loved us so much that He took our punishment upon Himself. Then, He literally rose from the dead. Now, God commands everyone everywhere to repent and ask Him for forgiveness" I found all of this very fascinating. He hands me a Bible and tells me to read the Gospel of John. I tell him that I will as soon as I get back to my cell. I have nothing better to do anyway.
I am sitting on my bed now and open up this Bible to the Gospel of John. It starts off with a peculiar phrase,
"In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God"
This sounds very strange. I guess the Word is Jesus, right? I must admit that this Gospel is very intriguing. I love reading the stories. But, are they true, though? I get to the part of the Gospel where the people turn on Him and is sent to be crucified. Why would they do this to an innocent man? Immediately, it hit me. Jesus did this for me because I deserved to be killed. However, He loved me enough to take my punishment! Who would do such a thing? Next, I read about His resurrection. This is an amazing story. I decided right then and there that I wanted to know this Jesus. I close the Bible and I do something that I have never done before. I begin to pray to God. I begin weeping before Him. I tell Him I am sorry for what I did and I beg Him for forgiveness. Once my tears stop flowing, I lay back down on my bed. That night, I had the most peaceful sleep that I have ever had in my entire life.
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
"Yeah, I guess I do a little" I reply, "I mean just because they were horrible toward me does not give me the right to play God over their lives right?" The therapist concurs with my question and I immediately feel the weight of my guilt. Why didn't I listen to Jessica? I should have because she has been right all along.
"What is wrong with me, doctor?" I seriously ask him. He proceeds to tell me that I suffer from Schizophrenia and briefly explains to me what that means. I am surprised to hear that other people hear voices in their heads too. Maybe I am not so weird, after all. I feel a major sense of relief over that fact. The therapist tells me that he is going to refer me to the jail's psychiatrist so that I can get on some medication immediately. He says that it won't make the voices go completely away, but it will make them and my moods a lot more manageable. I agree to take the medication. I am willing to do anything to feel normal. Right before he ends the session, he puts away his notepad and asks if he can ask me a question. I tell him that he can.
"Do you know Jesus Christ?" He asks me and I find this question a bit odd. I mean, my mother used to talk about Jesus a lot when I lived with her, but I didn't really understand what she was talking about. I tell him no. He straightens in his chair and smiles.
"Listen very carefully to me, Mark," He proceeds to say, "2,000 years ago, God came to earth as a man to die for the sins of you and me. See, we deserved God's just wrath for our sins, but He loved us so much that He took our punishment upon Himself. Then, He literally rose from the dead. Now, God commands everyone everywhere to repent and ask Him for forgiveness" I found all of this very fascinating. He hands me a Bible and tells me to read the Gospel of John. I tell him that I will as soon as I get back to my cell. I have nothing better to do anyway.
I am sitting on my bed now and open up this Bible to the Gospel of John. It starts off with a peculiar phrase,
"In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God"
This sounds very strange. I guess the Word is Jesus, right? I must admit that this Gospel is very intriguing. I love reading the stories. But, are they true, though? I get to the part of the Gospel where the people turn on Him and is sent to be crucified. Why would they do this to an innocent man? Immediately, it hit me. Jesus did this for me because I deserved to be killed. However, He loved me enough to take my punishment! Who would do such a thing? Next, I read about His resurrection. This is an amazing story. I decided right then and there that I wanted to know this Jesus. I close the Bible and I do something that I have never done before. I begin to pray to God. I begin weeping before Him. I tell Him I am sorry for what I did and I beg Him for forgiveness. Once my tears stop flowing, I lay back down on my bed. That night, I had the most peaceful sleep that I have ever had in my entire life.
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
No comments:
Post a Comment