Marriage is both beautiful and complex. When one man and woman take their vows before God and witnesses to stay faithful to one another "until death do us part", it is extraordinary. God makes it clear in His word that marriage is a covenantal relationship meant for life that is supposed to mirror Christ's relationship with the Church. This is the reason why the Lord hates divorce. He hates divorce because He would never divorce us. He has promised numerous times in Scripture to never leave us nor forsake us. In Scripture, there are only two reasons for ever divorcing your spouse. These reasons are sexual unfaithfulness and if someone is married to an unbeliever and the unbeliever wants to leave. Any other reason for divorce is considered adultery. With this being said, marriage is a difficult thing. It is difficult because any time you bring two sinful people under the same roof for an extended amount of time, there is bound to be strife. It is even more difficult when one of the spouses deals with mental illness. In this blog, I shall be discussing five ways that mental illness can affect a marriage. Since I am a husband who deals with mental illness, I shall be speaking from the perspective of a husband. Although, I am sure that a wife with mental illness will be able to relate to some of what I am going to say. The purpose of this blog is to help a couple who are thinking about marriage to consider how one's mental illness will play into their married life. I will never discourage a couple from marrying because marriage is a good thing. I just want couples to count the cost, that is all.
My wife and I have been married for about four years now and from my experience, I have noticed five different ways that my Schizoaffective Disorder has affected my marriage. These five ways are: How People View My Marriage, My Manhood, The Stress On My Wife, Intimacy, and Finances. I will elaborate on each of these points, but please keep in mind that these are not the only ways that Mental illness can affect one's marriage. These are just a few of the ways that I have found mental illness affects my marriage. If you can think of any other ways, please let me know in the comments below. I will not explain these five points.
How People View My Marriage
I know that the people I am thinking of would deny this, but I can tell by how they interact with both my wife and me that they do not see our marriage as legitimate. There are multiple reasons for this, but one of them is because my wife is the primary breadwinner in our relationship. These people think that since I am not "bringing home the bacon" my marriage is a sham. They believe that my relationship is more like a parent-child relationship instead of a husband-wife relationship. This view comes from some Traditional beliefs that the man should always be the one to work while the wife stays at home to take care of the house and children. They do not ever take into account that the husband can be physically or mentally unable to work a traditional 9-5 job and because of that the wife may have to work outside the home. These people will say that the man should have never gotten married in the first place if he cannot work.
My Manhood
This next point is closely related to the first point. I say this because people's view of me as a man does affect how I view myself. Deep down I fully recognize that as a man I should be providing for my family. I know that there is no excuse for me to not be working. I hate the fact that my mental illness causes me to not be able to work. This is why I hate the dreaded question, "What do you do for a living?" I hate that question because whenever I tell people that I am disabled, they almost always give me a stinky eye. Since I know that I must work, I feel like I am less of a man for not working and relying on my wife to take care of us. However, this is why I throw myself wholeheartedly into my ministry work because it is the only job that I can do. And even though I am not making that much money for now, I know the Lord will honor me for honoring Him.
The Stress On My Wife
This point is closely related to the first and second points because I am fully aware of the fact that my wife feels an extreme amount of stress. After all, she is shouldering the brunt of the weight in our marriage. She has told me on more than one account that she feels more like a single mom rather than a wife in our relationship. I understand why she so often feels this way. I am fully aware of the fact that she feels like our marriage is abnormal, especially when she sees other married couples at our church. On top of that, she has to always be aware of how my mental health is changing, especially when I slip in and out of manic episodes.
Intimacy
This point is probably the hardest point for me to talk about. As some of you may already know, I am on a cocktail of medication. This cocktail of medication causes me to be less intimate with my wife. It's not that I do not love her or that I am not attracted to her. I do love her so very much and I am very attracted to her too. I am thankful to God that I have her in my life. However, it is because of my medication that I am not as intimate with her as I should be. My medication really does stunt my sex drive and I really do hate that about taking my medications, but I also know that without my medication I am worse off. This is NOT to say that I am never intimate with my wife, however. I am intimate with her, but my medication does make it much more difficult.
Finances
This point is another point that is hard for me to discuss. I am ashamed to admit that because of my mania episodes, it is very difficult for me to manage my money. The reason for this is that whenever I slip into even a hypomanic phase, I tend to overspend my money on frivolous things that I do not need. It's not that I cannot control myself, but I do become very impulsive during these moments. As a result of this, I am always financially broke. For this reason, my wife and I have two separate bank accounts to prevent me from overspending her money as well as my own. Sometimes I even feel the need to give my wife my debit card to keep myself from overspending, although I always talk myself out of doing that.
I hope that this helps you to better understand some ways that mental illness can affect marriage. Again, this is not to discourage you from getting married. I know that I do not regret marriage and neither does my wife. We truly do cherish one another and my wife is my closest ally. We truly do love one another and I know that we always have each other's backs through thick and thin. Marriage is a beautiful thing. Thank you very much for taking the time to read my blog and May the grace of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ richly bless you all!
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
My wife and I have been married for about four years now and from my experience, I have noticed five different ways that my Schizoaffective Disorder has affected my marriage. These five ways are: How People View My Marriage, My Manhood, The Stress On My Wife, Intimacy, and Finances. I will elaborate on each of these points, but please keep in mind that these are not the only ways that Mental illness can affect one's marriage. These are just a few of the ways that I have found mental illness affects my marriage. If you can think of any other ways, please let me know in the comments below. I will not explain these five points.
How People View My Marriage
I know that the people I am thinking of would deny this, but I can tell by how they interact with both my wife and me that they do not see our marriage as legitimate. There are multiple reasons for this, but one of them is because my wife is the primary breadwinner in our relationship. These people think that since I am not "bringing home the bacon" my marriage is a sham. They believe that my relationship is more like a parent-child relationship instead of a husband-wife relationship. This view comes from some Traditional beliefs that the man should always be the one to work while the wife stays at home to take care of the house and children. They do not ever take into account that the husband can be physically or mentally unable to work a traditional 9-5 job and because of that the wife may have to work outside the home. These people will say that the man should have never gotten married in the first place if he cannot work.
My Manhood
This next point is closely related to the first point. I say this because people's view of me as a man does affect how I view myself. Deep down I fully recognize that as a man I should be providing for my family. I know that there is no excuse for me to not be working. I hate the fact that my mental illness causes me to not be able to work. This is why I hate the dreaded question, "What do you do for a living?" I hate that question because whenever I tell people that I am disabled, they almost always give me a stinky eye. Since I know that I must work, I feel like I am less of a man for not working and relying on my wife to take care of us. However, this is why I throw myself wholeheartedly into my ministry work because it is the only job that I can do. And even though I am not making that much money for now, I know the Lord will honor me for honoring Him.
The Stress On My Wife
This point is closely related to the first and second points because I am fully aware of the fact that my wife feels an extreme amount of stress. After all, she is shouldering the brunt of the weight in our marriage. She has told me on more than one account that she feels more like a single mom rather than a wife in our relationship. I understand why she so often feels this way. I am fully aware of the fact that she feels like our marriage is abnormal, especially when she sees other married couples at our church. On top of that, she has to always be aware of how my mental health is changing, especially when I slip in and out of manic episodes.
Intimacy
This point is probably the hardest point for me to talk about. As some of you may already know, I am on a cocktail of medication. This cocktail of medication causes me to be less intimate with my wife. It's not that I do not love her or that I am not attracted to her. I do love her so very much and I am very attracted to her too. I am thankful to God that I have her in my life. However, it is because of my medication that I am not as intimate with her as I should be. My medication really does stunt my sex drive and I really do hate that about taking my medications, but I also know that without my medication I am worse off. This is NOT to say that I am never intimate with my wife, however. I am intimate with her, but my medication does make it much more difficult.
Finances
This point is another point that is hard for me to discuss. I am ashamed to admit that because of my mania episodes, it is very difficult for me to manage my money. The reason for this is that whenever I slip into even a hypomanic phase, I tend to overspend my money on frivolous things that I do not need. It's not that I cannot control myself, but I do become very impulsive during these moments. As a result of this, I am always financially broke. For this reason, my wife and I have two separate bank accounts to prevent me from overspending her money as well as my own. Sometimes I even feel the need to give my wife my debit card to keep myself from overspending, although I always talk myself out of doing that.
I hope that this helps you to better understand some ways that mental illness can affect marriage. Again, this is not to discourage you from getting married. I know that I do not regret marriage and neither does my wife. We truly do cherish one another and my wife is my closest ally. We truly do love one another and I know that we always have each other's backs through thick and thin. Marriage is a beautiful thing. Thank you very much for taking the time to read my blog and May the grace of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ richly bless you all!
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
Well said. I do not look at your marriage as illegitimate, I see you and wife as a biblical one.
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