As I ponder what to write concerning the topic of this paper, I cannot help but think back to my childhood. I have spoken many times on my ministry’s YouTube channel about my life experience in foster care and juvenile detention. My years as a “ward of the state” have taught me many things about God, and quite a few biblical Scriptures have been very significant to me. Before I get into that, however, I’d like to tell you a little bit about my younger years. As I have stated earlier in this course, I suffer from Schizoaffective Disorder, Bipolar Type. This means that I have the typical extreme mood swings from mania to depression and back to mania again. Also, in between my extreme mood fluctuations, I can have periods of psychosis too. I have dealt with this for my entire adult life. What I did not explain earlier is how I have dealt with a mother who also had Schizoaffective Disorder, Bipolar Type. The difference between her and me is the fact that I am currently treating my illness. Whereas my mother refused to treat her illness her entire life. As a result, I have witnessed my mom’s illness gradually get worse to the point where it destroyed her life.
The first time I ever heard of Schizophrenia was after Social Services took me away from my mother when I was merely 13 years old. The night they took me away was a night I will never forget. My mom was on the phone with the 911 police dispatcher, and I was secretly listening to her conversation on my phone downstairs (I had a habit of doing this at the time). My mom was asking for an officer to come give me and her a lethal injection. I had no idea what that meant, but I knew it had something to do with death, and I was ready to die with my mother. As a result, I unmuted my end and told the dispatcher that I wanted to die with her. To make a long story short, they sent an officer to our house to take us away to put us in mental hospitals. After this whole fiasco, I was eventually put into a foster home. I remember I had a therapist who first told me about my mom’s condition. Immediately, I felt angry and depressed. Angry at God for giving me a mentally ill mother and depressed over the fact that I will never have a normal life.
I was in foster care until I was 16 years old, when I was locked up in juvenile detention because I set my foster home on fire. At the time, I was feeling unloved, and I thought if I did something heroic, then maybe people would love me. To my surprise, that is not what happened. As a result of being in juvenile detention, I became very suicidal, but I did not want to kill myself because I was afraid of going to hell. I decided to cut my thighs instead. While I was in detention, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Type 2, which was a misdiagnosis. I was immediately put on mood stabilizers and antidepressants, which merely caused me to have more manic episodes. No one there ever figured out how to treat me.
When I got into my late adult years, I was diagnosed with the correct diagnosis, but I was put on the wrong medication. As a result of being on the wrong medication, I ended up in the hospital for three months because I almost died due to a perforated colon and septic shock. This happened during the first year of my marriage. Afterwards, I was put on the correct combination of antipsychotics and mood stabilizers. As a result, I have been doing much better both mentally and physically. Now that I have shared this story, I will explain some of the Scriptures that have made the most impact on me.
Fatherhood
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One verse that comes to mind as I think about my life is Psalm 68:5, which says the following,
“Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation.”[1] This Scripture holds special significance to me because even though I never had an earthly father, I know I can always trust my Heavenly Father. I am not saying that my life since being a Christian has gotten any easier. No, in a lot of ways the Lord has had to chasten me as Proverbs 3:11-12 says,
“My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the Lord reproves whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights”[2]
What I like about this text is the fact that God disciplines those whom He loves. As a result of this, I know that when I am being humbled (and this has happened many times), I have the favor of the Lord. If God never humbles me, then that would be a sign that I do not belong to Him. I would just have a very strong delusion of the flesh, as one pastor famously put it[3]. I have learned through my life to rejoice when God disciplines me. Does this mean that I always feel this way as I am being disciplined? Not at all! During the time of my humbling, I still initially feel angry, but then I think of Proverbs 3:11-12, and I usually calm down.
God’s Sovereignty Works Everything Out For My Good
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Another Scripture that means a lot to me is Romans 8:28, which says the following,
“…and we know that all things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to his purpose”[4]. I love this verse so much that I have dubbed this verse my life verse. Someday when I go to be with the Lord, I want my wife to put this verse on my tombstone. The reason I love this verse so much is that it perfectly describes my life. Afterall,
When I look back on my life, I can see how everything did work out for good in my life. For example, going into foster care introduced me to the Gospel at such a young age because both of my foster parents were godly people who always treated me with respect, despite how much hassle I caused them. Another thing that worked out for my good was all the times I’ve been homeless in my adult years. Homelessness has made me a very humble man, and it has taught me to trust God with my whole heart, mind, and soul. When you are experiencing homelessness, the only place you can look is up, as they say. Also, the three months I was in the hospital, I learned not to trust in my perception, but instead to trust in God’s sovereignty. Proverbs 3:5-6 tells me the following,
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he shall direct your path”[5]. This Scripture has taught me a lot about God’s sovereignty. As I was younger, I thought I had to manipulate people to get what I wanted in life. However, all that did was cause me a lot of heartache and destruction. As I begin to lean on God’s sovereignty, I find myself being more at peace. Also, it is because of my psychosis that I have learned that I can no longer trust my senses and perceptions. I know that God’s word is always truthful, and so anything that contradicts His word must be a lie. Thus, whenever I hear voices telling me that I am God, I know not to listen because there is only one God and it is not me. As Isaiah 42:8 says,
“I am the Lord; that is my name, and my glory I give to no other; nor my praise to carved idols”[6]
[1] Psalm 68:5
[2] Proverbs 3:11-12
[3] Pastor Paul Washer
[4] Romans 8:28
[5] Proverbs 3:5-6
[6] Isaiah 42:8
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