***The Following is a Fictional account of a man named Skyler Clark who struggles with Schizophrenia. This is not about me. There might be some triggering subject matter. If you are easily triggered, do not read this. ***
It has been a few days since they have been forcing me to take my medication because I have been trying to refuse them I must admit that my mind feels more clear. I do not feel as erratic as I have been before. Maybe I have not been healed of my mental illness after all. But, why hasn't God healed me yet? I thought Jesus Christ was a miracle worker. I guess that the Lord must be angry at me for some reason and He decided to bring my illness back as a way to punish me. Maybe he was disappointed in my Gospel presentation to Alex. But, I thought I made a pretty good one though. I mean, he accepted Christ as his Lord and Savior, did he not? Why is God punishing me? I am feeling very depressed; all I have been doing is lying in bed. The nurses keep coming by to check on me and they keep trying to encourage me to go to the group therapy. I do not want to go to group therapy. I just want to die because if I have to live with a mental illness, I'd rather not live. I think about harming myself, but I am not sure how I am going to do it while in this place. They are keeping such a close watch on me. I decide to read my Bible instead. I turn to Psalm 88. I find it remarkable how much it speaks to me.
"For my soul is full of troubles, and my life draws near to Sheol. I am counted among those who go down to the pit; I am a man who has no strength, like one set loose among the dead, like the slain that lie in the grave, like those whom you remember no more, for they are cut off from your hand. You have put me in the depths of the pit, dark and deep regions. Your wrath lies heavy upon me, and you overwhelm me with all your waves. You have caused my companions to shun me; you have made me a horror to them. I am shut so that I cannot escape, my eye grows dim from sorrow. Every day I call upon you, O Lord, I spread out my hands to you. Do you work wonders for the dead? Do the departed rise up to praise you? Is your steadfast love declared in the grave, or your faithfulness in Abaddon? Are your wonders known in the darkness, or your righteousness in the land of forgetfulness? But, I, O Lord, cry to you; in the morning my prayer comes before you. O Lord, why do you cast my soul away? Why do you hide your face from me? Afflicted and close to death from my youth up, I suffer your terrors; I am helpless. Your wrath has swept over me; your dreadful assaults destroy me. They surround me like a flood all day long; they close in on me together. You have caused my beloved and my friend to shun me; my companions have become darkness."
Oh, how I feel this so much right now! My companions literally are darkness. Why have you done this to me, Lord? Did not I make you happy when I made the decision to believe the Gospel?
"Skyler, you have a visitor." A female nurse comes to tell me. Finally, someone has come to see me in this abyss. I do not particularly want to see anyone, but I am glad to have something different going on to break the monotony. I slowly get up from my bed and walk out of my room and down the hall. I see Sarah sitting at a table in the center of the Day Room. I get embarrassed because I do not want my wife to see me like this. She looks concerned. I take a sit at the table after she stands to give me a hug.
"How have you been, baby?" She asks me with concern in her voice. I feel a sense of relief to hear her voice. However, it does nothing to lift my spirits, though. I sigh.
"I have been struggling," I tell her honestly, "I am not sure why Jesus has not healed me of my mental illness." She merely nods her head to let me know that she understands.
"Sometimes what does not kill us only makes us stronger, babe," She says. I know she means well, but the platitude only serves to grate my nerves. But, I choose to sit there in silence. She asks me how the nurses have been treating me and I tell her about how they have been forcing me to take my medication.
"Why have you been refusing?" She seems pretty upset about this and I just look down at my feet. I feel like a child preparing to be scolded by their parent. I think she realizes that she is being too hard on me because she softens her demeanor. She quickly apologizes and tells me that I need to take my medication because it is in my best interest. Best interest? I am not sure what is in my "best interest" anymore.
"For my soul is full of troubles, and my life draws near to Sheol. I am counted among those who go down to the pit; I am a man who has no strength, like one set loose among the dead, like the slain that lie in the grave, like those whom you remember no more, for they are cut off from your hand. You have put me in the depths of the pit, dark and deep regions. Your wrath lies heavy upon me, and you overwhelm me with all your waves. You have caused my companions to shun me; you have made me a horror to them. I am shut so that I cannot escape, my eye grows dim from sorrow. Every day I call upon you, O Lord, I spread out my hands to you. Do you work wonders for the dead? Do the departed rise up to praise you? Is your steadfast love declared in the grave, or your faithfulness in Abaddon? Are your wonders known in the darkness, or your righteousness in the land of forgetfulness? But, I, O Lord, cry to you; in the morning my prayer comes before you. O Lord, why do you cast my soul away? Why do you hide your face from me? Afflicted and close to death from my youth up, I suffer your terrors; I am helpless. Your wrath has swept over me; your dreadful assaults destroy me. They surround me like a flood all day long; they close in on me together. You have caused my beloved and my friend to shun me; my companions have become darkness."
Oh, how I feel this so much right now! My companions literally are darkness. Why have you done this to me, Lord? Did not I make you happy when I made the decision to believe the Gospel?
"Skyler, you have a visitor." A female nurse comes to tell me. Finally, someone has come to see me in this abyss. I do not particularly want to see anyone, but I am glad to have something different going on to break the monotony. I slowly get up from my bed and walk out of my room and down the hall. I see Sarah sitting at a table in the center of the Day Room. I get embarrassed because I do not want my wife to see me like this. She looks concerned. I take a sit at the table after she stands to give me a hug.
"How have you been, baby?" She asks me with concern in her voice. I feel a sense of relief to hear her voice. However, it does nothing to lift my spirits, though. I sigh.
"I have been struggling," I tell her honestly, "I am not sure why Jesus has not healed me of my mental illness." She merely nods her head to let me know that she understands.
"Sometimes what does not kill us only makes us stronger, babe," She says. I know she means well, but the platitude only serves to grate my nerves. But, I choose to sit there in silence. She asks me how the nurses have been treating me and I tell her about how they have been forcing me to take my medication.
"Why have you been refusing?" She seems pretty upset about this and I just look down at my feet. I feel like a child preparing to be scolded by their parent. I think she realizes that she is being too hard on me because she softens her demeanor. She quickly apologizes and tells me that I need to take my medication because it is in my best interest. Best interest? I am not sure what is in my "best interest" anymore.
"Have you been eating?" She asks me. I tell her that I have been and she smiles. I can tell she is glad to hear that. She then begins to drone on about how life has been at home. I hear something about chores, bills, and other things, but I end up tuning her out. I keep hearing Casting Crowns' song "Does Anybody Hear Her?" in my head. It seems like the visit is taking forever but about an hour later, the nurses announce over the intercom that visitation is over. My wife and I stand up and give one another a hug. She then tells me that she loves me and I tell her I love her too. She then walks away as I am watching her. Then, I walk back to my room. I just want to die.
As I approach my room, I hear Bill Gates' muffled voice telling me something about how he is going to murder me. However, I just ignore him because I understand that he is not real. I am tired of these hallucinations. The nurse introduces me to my new roommate. His name is Adrian and he is a thin Caucasian man with blonde hair and blue eyes. He is also pretty tall too. He looks like a movie star, so, surprisingly, he is in the looney bin. I wonder what he did to end up here. I tell him hi, but I do not tell him my name. I am tired of meeting new people. As it turns out, he has a Bible too, so I get excited to see another Christian. I wonder what church he goes to so I decide to ask him.
"I do not go to church because the church will dull your mind. I choose to worship God in my own way." He says and I feel perplexed by this. I ask him to elaborate on that. He tells me that the concept of an organized church is actually not found in the Bible. He says that they are man-made religious activities and the Bible actually condemns that. I have never heard of this teaching before, but I definitely am interested in hearing more. However, he says that he wants to go to group therapy, but he says that we will continue this conversation later. Then, he gets up from his bed and walks out of the room. I just lay down on my bed and close my eyes. I say a silent prayer to God, begging Him to just take me home because I do not want to live anymore.
Eventually, I fall asleep and had an awful dream. In the dream, my wife is telling me that she is going to work and I end up sitting in our Living Room to watch television. I put it on Two and a Half Men. As I am watching the show and laughing hysterically, I see a portal to hell open up in the room. I immediately get scared. All of a sudden, a demon comes out and reaches for me and I try to get up to run away, but my legs are frozen. The demon grabs ahold of me and starts to pull me toward the portal. I begin yelling, but I have no voice. As I am being pulled closer to the demon in the portal, the demon is licking his lips. I end up waking up from the dream in a very heavy sweat. I decide that I am not going back to sleep. I hear on the intercom that it is time for dinner. Good. I've been feeling famished for a while now. I get up and start heading to the Day Room. Dinner is pepperoni pizza. I love pizza.
Stay Tuned For Part 9 Of This Series...
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Ministry Website
Check out the other Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
As I approach my room, I hear Bill Gates' muffled voice telling me something about how he is going to murder me. However, I just ignore him because I understand that he is not real. I am tired of these hallucinations. The nurse introduces me to my new roommate. His name is Adrian and he is a thin Caucasian man with blonde hair and blue eyes. He is also pretty tall too. He looks like a movie star, so, surprisingly, he is in the looney bin. I wonder what he did to end up here. I tell him hi, but I do not tell him my name. I am tired of meeting new people. As it turns out, he has a Bible too, so I get excited to see another Christian. I wonder what church he goes to so I decide to ask him.
"I do not go to church because the church will dull your mind. I choose to worship God in my own way." He says and I feel perplexed by this. I ask him to elaborate on that. He tells me that the concept of an organized church is actually not found in the Bible. He says that they are man-made religious activities and the Bible actually condemns that. I have never heard of this teaching before, but I definitely am interested in hearing more. However, he says that he wants to go to group therapy, but he says that we will continue this conversation later. Then, he gets up from his bed and walks out of the room. I just lay down on my bed and close my eyes. I say a silent prayer to God, begging Him to just take me home because I do not want to live anymore.
Eventually, I fall asleep and had an awful dream. In the dream, my wife is telling me that she is going to work and I end up sitting in our Living Room to watch television. I put it on Two and a Half Men. As I am watching the show and laughing hysterically, I see a portal to hell open up in the room. I immediately get scared. All of a sudden, a demon comes out and reaches for me and I try to get up to run away, but my legs are frozen. The demon grabs ahold of me and starts to pull me toward the portal. I begin yelling, but I have no voice. As I am being pulled closer to the demon in the portal, the demon is licking his lips. I end up waking up from the dream in a very heavy sweat. I decide that I am not going back to sleep. I hear on the intercom that it is time for dinner. Good. I've been feeling famished for a while now. I get up and start heading to the Day Room. Dinner is pepperoni pizza. I love pizza.
Stay Tuned For Part 9 Of This Series...
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Ministry Website
Check out the other Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
No comments:
Post a Comment