***The Following is a Fictional account of a man named Skyler Clark who struggles with Schizophrenia. This is not about me. There might be some triggering subject matter. If you are easily triggered, do not read this. ***
I have been really enjoying reading the Gospel of John these past few days. This Jesus character is really something else. I cannot believe that they have not made a movie about this story. I know that the Gospel of John is supposed to be based on history, but I do not think I am ready to accept that yet. I mean, the idea of God coming down as a man to die for our sins and then raising from the dead seems a bit farfetched. Dead people just do not rise from the dead, right? I have never personally witnessed that in my entire life before so why would I think that it happened 2,000 years ago when the people back then were not that intelligent? Besides, I think I am perfectly fine without religion. If I were to accept Jesus as some kind of Savior, He says that I need to eat His flesh and drink His blood. What the heck is that about? Honestly, if Jesus was a real person, He is a little bit looney. He may have performed many miracles and whatnot, but He also cursed a fig tree too. That just sounds ridiculous. Mr. Romero seems like a decent man, but if he honestly trusts in this Jesus guy then he is crazier than I am. Maybe he needs my medication more than I do.
"Honey, I am off to go to work now. I love you!" My wife yells to me, as she is heading out the door. She works for the local nail salon. I yell back that I love her too and I also tell her to have a nice day. Finally, I get the whole house to myself. This does not happen very often, but whenever it does it is nice. I decide to make myself some breakfast. My favorite breakfast is pancakes, scrambled eggs, bacon, and sausages. Breakfast for a real man. As I am cooking my breakfast, I hear Bill Gates' voice attempt to break through my thoughts. I ignore the hallucination, though.
After I finish cooking my breakfast, I sit down on our Living Room couch to watch some television while I eat. My wife would never allow me to do this, but what she does not know won't hurt her. I turn the television to The Big Bang Theory. I love this show. Sheldon always cracks me up. As I am watching the television, the phone rings. It catches me by surprise because our phone hardly ever rings. I decide to answer it. It's the man with the bat on the other end.
"Sky.... ler..... failed...." I cannot make out what he is saying, but since I know it is not real I hang up quickly. These hallucinations are getting out of control. I definitely think I need a medication increase, but I do not see Dr. Goodman for another fifteen days. I'll maintain my composure until then and then I'll make sure to tell him what has been going on. I really do not want to keep having these hallucinations.
I keep thinking about Jesus Christ. I wonder why the story says that the only way God could have saved people from their sins is by killing His one and only Son. It really does not make any logical sense. Isn't He supposed to be all-powerful and all-forgiving too? Why couldn't He just forgive everyone for their sins without a blood sacrifice? After all, if He truly is all-knowing, then He should already know that we are not perfect and thus He should just understand that we will make mistakes. It seems rather petty for God to require a bloody sacrifice to grant finite human beings forgiveness. I decide that I do not want to think about it anymore because I am missing my show.
After my show is over, I get up from the couch to put my plate into the sink. I'll take care of washing it later. For now, I want to go to the park for another walk. Maybe Mr. Romero is there again because I would love to challenge him to another game of chess. This time I think I can beat him. As I am walking to the park, I am listening to 2 Pac's California Love. I absolutely love this song because it reminds me of back home. When I arrive at the park, I do see Mr. Romero sitting on a bench and feeding the pigeons. I turn off my music and walk up to him and say hello. He smiles at me and says hello back. I am glad that he remembers me, but I am a little surprised because I know men his age have memory problems. He invites me to sit down next to him.
"So, how have you been, young man?" He asks me and immediately I feel at ease. He makes me feel so comfortable around him. I think it is his warm demeanor.
"I am doing well, but I've been thinking a lot about Jesus these past few days. There are a few things that I am confused about." I say honestly to him. He looks at me with concern on his face.
"Is that so? What are you confused about?"
"Well," I begin saying, "for one, I do not understand why an all-loving, all-powerful, and all-good God would need to sacrifice His Son to obtain forgiveness for finite human beings." Mr. Romero smiles at this, as he straightens his back.
"I had the same question when I first heard the Gospel too. It really bothered me and kept me up at night...." His voice trails off. I am a little disappointed because I expected a better answer, but then he continues by saying, "But then, I read the Book of Romans and everything made perfect sense." This perked my interest even more.
"How so?" I bluntly asked.
"Well, it caused me to understand that not only is God good and loving, but He is also Just and Holy. You see, God is so holy that sin cannot be in His presence whatsoever. If we, as sinful human beings, enter His presence His glory would completely consume us and we would die. This is why we needed a mediator." This answer seemed satisfactory enough, but I still had more questions.
"What is a mediator?"
"A mediator stands in the gap between God and man. This mediator needed to be completely free of His own sin and yet completely human." He says and I knew exactly who he was referring to.
"You mean, Jesus Christ, right?" I genuinely ask and he merely nods his head. He then goes on to say to me that none of us are good because we are sinful beyond measure. I am offended by this because I have always thought of myself as a good person. Am I perfect? No, but no one is. I tell him that I am good.
"Oh, really? How about we take the Good Person Test, then." He challenges me and I am confused. I ask him what is that and he proceeds to tell me that he will ask me a series of questions to gauge whether or not I am a good person. A series of questions. Sort of like what Dr. Goodman did on my first visit. I agree to take the Good Person Test.
"Have you ever told a single lie before?" He asks me and I think that this is a pretty stupid question because haven't we all lied at one time before? I tell him yes I have many times.
"What does that make you?" He asks me next and I tell him a liar. He nods his head and then asks me if I ever committed adultery. I tell him, no, I have not because I love my wife.
"Did you know that Jesus said if you even lust for another woman you have committed adultery in your heart?" That really stung me because I have been known to look at other women from time to time. I tell him then I am guilty of adultery of the heart. He then asks me if I have ever gotten angry with someone. I nod my head.
"Did you know that Jesus says that if you even get angry with someone, then you have murdered them in your heart?" He says to me and I am completely shocked. I am already found guilty of breaking three of God's commandments! I am beginning to regret taking this test. Finally, he asks me if I have ever committed blasphemy.
"What is that?" I am seriously confused right now. He then proceeds to tell me that it is using His name as a swear word. I have done that plenty of times so I tell him yes. His face then goes from smiling to being really grim.
"So, by your own admission, you are a liar, adulterer, murderer, and blasphemer. If God were to judge you based on those, where do you think you will end up?" He asks me in a very serious tone of voice. I answer with hell and he lights up. He then tells me about how Jesus Christ came to save us from our sins by dying on the cross and rising from the dead. He tells that our only hope of salvation is by trusting in Him alone. I immediately feel convicted of guilt and I tell him that I want to trust in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I further tell him that I do repent of my sins. He gets excited by this news.
"I would like to invite you to my church. It's called Redeemer Presbyterian Church." He says as he pulls out a piece of paper and a pen out of his pocket. He then writes an address down on it and hands the paper to me. "The service begins at 11:00 in the morning. I hope to see you there, son" He says and pats me on the head. I smile and tell him thanks. I put the paper in my left pocket and tell him that I have to head back home. We exchange goodbyes. I think I am officially a Christian now, but I do not feel any different. I thought if I became a Christian, I'd feel different, but maybe the feeling will come later.
As I am heading home, I attempt to turn on some 2 Pac again, but immediately I feel guilty. What is this about? This is something new and strange. I have never felt guilty for listening to 2 Pac before. I do not understand this new feeling, but I instead decide to walk in silence and think about Jesus Christ. I wonder to myself if I am officially healed of my mental illness now. In the Gospel of John, whenever someone had an encounter with the Savior they were immediately healed. So, why would this be any different? I decide that it should not be and now I am convinced my mental illness is gone. Furthermore, I resolve that I do not need my medication anymore. Why should I continue taking it if I am healed? When I get home, I am going to throw away the bottle. I feel good about this decision. I walk all the way home while praising God loudly much to the annoyance of my neighbors.
"Honey, I am off to go to work now. I love you!" My wife yells to me, as she is heading out the door. She works for the local nail salon. I yell back that I love her too and I also tell her to have a nice day. Finally, I get the whole house to myself. This does not happen very often, but whenever it does it is nice. I decide to make myself some breakfast. My favorite breakfast is pancakes, scrambled eggs, bacon, and sausages. Breakfast for a real man. As I am cooking my breakfast, I hear Bill Gates' voice attempt to break through my thoughts. I ignore the hallucination, though.
After I finish cooking my breakfast, I sit down on our Living Room couch to watch some television while I eat. My wife would never allow me to do this, but what she does not know won't hurt her. I turn the television to The Big Bang Theory. I love this show. Sheldon always cracks me up. As I am watching the television, the phone rings. It catches me by surprise because our phone hardly ever rings. I decide to answer it. It's the man with the bat on the other end.
"Sky.... ler..... failed...." I cannot make out what he is saying, but since I know it is not real I hang up quickly. These hallucinations are getting out of control. I definitely think I need a medication increase, but I do not see Dr. Goodman for another fifteen days. I'll maintain my composure until then and then I'll make sure to tell him what has been going on. I really do not want to keep having these hallucinations.
I keep thinking about Jesus Christ. I wonder why the story says that the only way God could have saved people from their sins is by killing His one and only Son. It really does not make any logical sense. Isn't He supposed to be all-powerful and all-forgiving too? Why couldn't He just forgive everyone for their sins without a blood sacrifice? After all, if He truly is all-knowing, then He should already know that we are not perfect and thus He should just understand that we will make mistakes. It seems rather petty for God to require a bloody sacrifice to grant finite human beings forgiveness. I decide that I do not want to think about it anymore because I am missing my show.
After my show is over, I get up from the couch to put my plate into the sink. I'll take care of washing it later. For now, I want to go to the park for another walk. Maybe Mr. Romero is there again because I would love to challenge him to another game of chess. This time I think I can beat him. As I am walking to the park, I am listening to 2 Pac's California Love. I absolutely love this song because it reminds me of back home. When I arrive at the park, I do see Mr. Romero sitting on a bench and feeding the pigeons. I turn off my music and walk up to him and say hello. He smiles at me and says hello back. I am glad that he remembers me, but I am a little surprised because I know men his age have memory problems. He invites me to sit down next to him.
"So, how have you been, young man?" He asks me and immediately I feel at ease. He makes me feel so comfortable around him. I think it is his warm demeanor.
"I am doing well, but I've been thinking a lot about Jesus these past few days. There are a few things that I am confused about." I say honestly to him. He looks at me with concern on his face.
"Is that so? What are you confused about?"
"Well," I begin saying, "for one, I do not understand why an all-loving, all-powerful, and all-good God would need to sacrifice His Son to obtain forgiveness for finite human beings." Mr. Romero smiles at this, as he straightens his back.
"I had the same question when I first heard the Gospel too. It really bothered me and kept me up at night...." His voice trails off. I am a little disappointed because I expected a better answer, but then he continues by saying, "But then, I read the Book of Romans and everything made perfect sense." This perked my interest even more.
"How so?" I bluntly asked.
"Well, it caused me to understand that not only is God good and loving, but He is also Just and Holy. You see, God is so holy that sin cannot be in His presence whatsoever. If we, as sinful human beings, enter His presence His glory would completely consume us and we would die. This is why we needed a mediator." This answer seemed satisfactory enough, but I still had more questions.
"What is a mediator?"
"A mediator stands in the gap between God and man. This mediator needed to be completely free of His own sin and yet completely human." He says and I knew exactly who he was referring to.
"You mean, Jesus Christ, right?" I genuinely ask and he merely nods his head. He then goes on to say to me that none of us are good because we are sinful beyond measure. I am offended by this because I have always thought of myself as a good person. Am I perfect? No, but no one is. I tell him that I am good.
"Oh, really? How about we take the Good Person Test, then." He challenges me and I am confused. I ask him what is that and he proceeds to tell me that he will ask me a series of questions to gauge whether or not I am a good person. A series of questions. Sort of like what Dr. Goodman did on my first visit. I agree to take the Good Person Test.
"Have you ever told a single lie before?" He asks me and I think that this is a pretty stupid question because haven't we all lied at one time before? I tell him yes I have many times.
"What does that make you?" He asks me next and I tell him a liar. He nods his head and then asks me if I ever committed adultery. I tell him, no, I have not because I love my wife.
"Did you know that Jesus said if you even lust for another woman you have committed adultery in your heart?" That really stung me because I have been known to look at other women from time to time. I tell him then I am guilty of adultery of the heart. He then asks me if I have ever gotten angry with someone. I nod my head.
"Did you know that Jesus says that if you even get angry with someone, then you have murdered them in your heart?" He says to me and I am completely shocked. I am already found guilty of breaking three of God's commandments! I am beginning to regret taking this test. Finally, he asks me if I have ever committed blasphemy.
"What is that?" I am seriously confused right now. He then proceeds to tell me that it is using His name as a swear word. I have done that plenty of times so I tell him yes. His face then goes from smiling to being really grim.
"So, by your own admission, you are a liar, adulterer, murderer, and blasphemer. If God were to judge you based on those, where do you think you will end up?" He asks me in a very serious tone of voice. I answer with hell and he lights up. He then tells me about how Jesus Christ came to save us from our sins by dying on the cross and rising from the dead. He tells that our only hope of salvation is by trusting in Him alone. I immediately feel convicted of guilt and I tell him that I want to trust in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I further tell him that I do repent of my sins. He gets excited by this news.
"I would like to invite you to my church. It's called Redeemer Presbyterian Church." He says as he pulls out a piece of paper and a pen out of his pocket. He then writes an address down on it and hands the paper to me. "The service begins at 11:00 in the morning. I hope to see you there, son" He says and pats me on the head. I smile and tell him thanks. I put the paper in my left pocket and tell him that I have to head back home. We exchange goodbyes. I think I am officially a Christian now, but I do not feel any different. I thought if I became a Christian, I'd feel different, but maybe the feeling will come later.
As I am heading home, I attempt to turn on some 2 Pac again, but immediately I feel guilty. What is this about? This is something new and strange. I have never felt guilty for listening to 2 Pac before. I do not understand this new feeling, but I instead decide to walk in silence and think about Jesus Christ. I wonder to myself if I am officially healed of my mental illness now. In the Gospel of John, whenever someone had an encounter with the Savior they were immediately healed. So, why would this be any different? I decide that it should not be and now I am convinced my mental illness is gone. Furthermore, I resolve that I do not need my medication anymore. Why should I continue taking it if I am healed? When I get home, I am going to throw away the bottle. I feel good about this decision. I walk all the way home while praising God loudly much to the annoyance of my neighbors.
Stay Tuned For Part 6...
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
Check out the other Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
Check out the other Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
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