Simply Danny: Restored To Sanity (Part 9)

       ***This is a fictitious account of a man named Danny who deals with Clinical Depression. Some content in this series may be triggering. If you are easily triggered, please do not read this***

Ugh, my suicide attempt failed yet again. I thought for sure that I succeeded this time. My plan was foolproof. Or, so I thought. I woke up in the emergency room and Skyler was right there hovering over me. He seems deeply concerned. But, how did he even know about my suicide attempt? I made sure that I did not tell a soul about my plans. Is he some kind of mind-reader or something? I straightened my back in my hospital bed. I need to sit up straight and look confident. He takes a seat right next to me and smiles. 

"I am glad to see you still living, bud," He says with a joyful tone of voice. I do not feel joyful at all. As a matter of fact, I feel extremely depressed because I cannot even do the one thing I want to do so badly. I feel like such a failure. 

"How did you know what I was doing?" I ask him meekly and he just smiles even wider. He tells me that after our last conversation, he just had this feeling that he needed to check on me. He says that when he came to my house, he noticed something was off when he saw the front door was wide open. Dang, I should have been more careful with making sure that the blasted door was shut and locked. Oh, well, I just know what mistake not to make again. The nurse comes in to tell me that I am going to be admitted into Memorial Hospital yet again for a mandatory 72-hour hold. This is horrible because I did not want to go back to the Psychiatric hospital. My life is in shambles. However, maybe this could be a good thing. The psychiatric hospital is not so bad after all. It has good food and I can possibly get on a medication that will straighten out my brain. I decide that I am actually looking forward to this. 

Two Hours Later: 

As I am being wheeled into Memorial Hospital, I am greeted by the same rotund nurse as before, except this time she seems very jovial. I tell her that I am looking forward to getting better and she just smiles at me right before taking control of my wheelchair to push me up to my unit. Once I am on the unit, something odd happens. My psychiatrist asks me to come into his office to speak with him. This never happens. I've never met with a psychiatrist this quickly before. But, I just assume that I must be a special case, so I quickly step into his office. 

"Why are you here, Danny?" He politely asks me. As I am recounting everything that has gone on for the last 24 hours, I am beginning to feel a little foolish. I am not entirely sure why I wanted to die so badly. He asks me if I have been taking my Zoloft and I quickly tell him that I have been, but that it has not been helping anymore. That was a small lie. The truth is, I stopped taking it a while back when I noticed that I was still getting depressed. Why take something that is not helping with the very thing it is designed to help me with? 

"I am going to discontinue the Zoloft and I try you on Prozac, ok?" He calmly says as he types something into his computer. I've never heard of Prozac before but am willing to try it. If it helps me overcome this depression, why would I not be willing to try it? After he makes the prescription for 50 mg every morning, we shake hands, and I head out to the Day Room. It is time for dinner and I get very excited because I am feeling famished. Dinner tonight is lasagna, garlic bread, a fruit cup, a chocolate chip cookie, and white 2% milk. As I am eating, I feel very hopeful about this new medication. I hope that it will restore my mental sanity. I silently praise the Lord for psychiatric hospitals. 

STAY TUNED FOR THE PART 10 OF THIS SERIES...

-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate 

Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website

Check out the other Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website

Simply Danny: Back In The Psych Ward (Part 8)

      ***This is a fictitious account of a man named Danny who deals with Clinical Depression. Some content in this series may be triggering. If you are easily triggered, please do not read this***

Six Months Later: 

Life could not be any better. Sure, I am facing a nasty divorce case with my wife, but things are beginning to look up for me. I managed to get a job as a Store Clerk at the local King Soopers and I am a regular member of Redeemer Presbyterian Church too. I meet with Skyler once a week to talk about how my life is going and he even says that my spirits seem to have been lifted. The other day Angela came over to the house to get the rest of her things and she was very nasty towards me. But, I did not allow it to bother me. Instead, I just silently prayed for her. The devil has really blinded her eyes to the Truth. I still love her deeply and I sincerely hope that one day God grants her repentance. I do not want to see her be cast into hell. 

I wake up to my alarm clock at 8:00 am and I begin the day by eating some breakfast. I am having scrambled eggs, pancakes, sausages, and bacon. A Breakfast for champions. After I finish my breakfast, I head to the bathroom to take a shower, but then my routine is interrupted by the phone ringing. I answer it and on the other end is Angela. What does she want now? Her voice sounds very angry. I think about hanging up on her, but then she says something that catches me by surprise. 

"I hate you and your God," She says and I can hear the vitriol in her voice. This is not the same rational woman I married three years ago. It breaks my heart to hear her say this because it only shows how much her heart has hardened to the Gospel. 

"I am sorry to hear that," I say softly, "But I still love you and so does God." She laughs at me at this moment and I feel devastated. 

"If your God were real, then why is He allowing me to break my marriage for another man huh? Your God is obviously impotent!" She mocks me with rage filling every fiber in her body. I decide that I do not want to deal with this anymore. So, I calmly tell her that I still love her and then I hang up. This conversation really put me in a sour mood. Why is she this way? She said that she wants a divorce. So, why won't she leave me alone? I shake the thought of her out of my mind, as I get into the shower. I am determined to not let this ruin my day. Life is good for me. 

As I am driving to work, I keep replaying thoughts of my conversation with Angela in my mind. I am not intentionally doing this, but I cannot help thinking about it nonetheless. I pull into the parking lot of King Soopers and begin heading into the store. Maybe a busy day at work will distract me from thinking of my former wife. I head into the store and immediately I am greeted by Erica. Erica is a mild-mannered young woman who works as a store greeter. She loves wearing superhero t-shirts. Today, she is wearing an Ironman shirt. I say hi back to her and she smiles at me. This does brighten my day. 

I clock into work and head to my cashier's spot and get everything prepared. All of a sudden, I am reminded of Angela because I see our picture in my money drawer. I put it there a while back to give me hope that we can make our relationship work out. I did not want to get a divorce. However, nowadays I am giving up on that hope. I grab that picture, rip it up, and throw it away. As the day progresses, I am growing more and more irritated with these customers. Normally, they are rude to me and I am fine with that. But, today, I am having it. Who the heck do these people think they are? I try to remain calm and respectful because I realize that I am only agitated because of my former wife. I am not supposed to allow my personal problems to interfere with work. 

At about 3:00 pm, I am allowed to go on break. Skyler sees me outside while I am eating a sandwich that I got from the deli. He approaches me and says hi with a smile. 

"How are you doing, Danny?" Skyler asks me with a genuine tone of voice. I feel happy to see him and answer back honestly. He sits down next to me and gives me a bear hug. 

"I am sorry that your wife is putting you through this, man," He says and I hear the compassion in his voice. I am glad that he is not telling me that God is judging me for some kind of secret sin of mine. I finish eating my sandwich and wipe my face. 

"Why is God doing this to me," I ask him, trying not to sound like I am accusing God, "It does not seem right or fair." Skyler sighs and looks down at his feet. He is wearing red and white Jordans. I have not seen them in many years. After a while, he looks up, and says, "I am not sure why He is putting you through this. However, I do know that He is sovereign enough to work out everything for our good." 

"I just do not see how this is going to work out for MY good..." I say and then I look down at my feet. I feel a little sheepish for saying this because I feel like I am questioning the Almighty. 

"I understand," He says, much to my surprise, "But, we have His promise to do so and He cannot lie. We must just take it on faith and trust in Him." 

I sigh deeply because I am fighting back tears. I feel completely overwhelmed by all of this. Skyler notices the tears welling up in my eyes and he reaches over to give me another hug. I do feel a sense of relief for a moment, but then I see that my break is over in two minutes. We exchange our goodbyes and I head back to work. 

The rest of the day I am distracted by my thoughts of what Skyler and Angela told me. Is it true what Angela said about God being impotent? Or is Skyler right about God being sovereign over every circumstance to the point where He can work out everything for my good? I feel so very confused right now. Later in the evening, I head out to my car and begin the short drive home. I am listening to the Christian radio station and this man named Michael Horton is preaching a powerful sermon on the Resurrection. He is saying that God is not a side character in our story, but that we are subplots in His main overarching story. I've never heard of it put that way and it does cause me to think more about that. Until now I have been behaving as if God were the side character in my story and I realize that it is the wrong way to believe about God. 

However, if this is the life God has planned for me, then I do not want to live this life anymore. I am thinking now that I just want to die because this life really is not worth living. If God sovereignly ordained for me to suffer instead of living, well, I am not okay with that. I hate living this way. I decided at this moment that once I get home I am going to overdose on my Zoloft. As soon as I get home, I head straight to my bathroom to take my medication. I then dump all of the pills into the palm of my hand. This time I am home alone. No one can stop me from killing myself now. I fill up a cup of water and then I throw the pills into my mouth and wash them down my throat with the water. 

After about five minutes of nothing, I begin to feel weak. I begin to stumble and eventually fall down. Now, I officially accomplished my task. I feel happy because I am finally leaving this world. I begin to smile, but then I hear someone's voice. Who got in here? How did he get in here? All of sudden, I remember that I forgot to lock the front door. I was so focused on getting to my pills that I forgot to lock the door! I decide to just lay on the floor and be as quiet as possible. Maybe if I do not respond, the person will eventually leave. I close my eyes and eventually I pass out... 

STAY TUNED FOR PART 9 NEXT WEDNESDAY... 

-David Lee Chu Sarchet 
Christian Mental Health Advocate 

Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website

Check out the other Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website

Simply Danny: Meeting With My Peer Support Specialist For The First Time (Part 7)

     ***This is a fictitious account of a man named Danny who deals with Clinical Depression. Some content in this series may be triggering. If you are easily triggered, please do not read this***

Two Months Later: 

My wife was serious about filing for divorce and I have decided to go ahead and give her what she wants. It pains me deeply that things are coming to an end between us, but I cannot keep dealing with her hatred toward me. I would be lying if I said that it does not bother me though. There are days when I cannot eat anything at all because I cannot stop ruminating about her. I think that I must have lost about twenty pounds. The bills keep piling up and I know that eventually I will need to start working but I just cannot find the energy to even look for a job. My life is in shambles. I thought that coming to Christ was going to make my life easier, but in actuality, my life has become much more difficult. Is the Lord testing me? I just do not know. I try to read the Bible, but I cannot focus on the words right now. They seem foreign to me. I know that I should be reading the Bible daily, but it seems like a huge chore that I am not ready to tackle yet. Pastor Tom recommended for me to see a peer support specialist in the church and he even gave me this guy's phone number. His name is Skyler Clark. I am sitting here at my kitchen table just staring at the card. How can he possibly be of any help to me? He is not going to understand what I am going through. However, maybe I should give him a call because there is got to be something better than what I am currently going through. There has got to be a light at the end of this tunnel. God cannot possibly want me to be miserable all of my life. I decide to dial his number on my landline phone. As the phone is ringing, I immediately get the thought to hang up. But, then someone answers on the other end. It is a woman's voice. 

"Hello, how may I help you?" She calmly asks and her voice is like music to my ears. But, then it causes me to become even more sad. Angela used to have a voice like that but these days her voice is venomous. 

"M-my name is Danny Valentino. I go to Redeemer Presbyterian Church and Pastor Tom told me to call someone named Skyler for peer support. Is he home?" I ask and immediately I feel a little stupid. I am not sure why, but I do anyway. She tells me that he is home and asks me to wait a minute while she goes to get him. After about two minutes, a man answers the phone and greets me with a deep voice. His voice sounds very authoritarian and bold. I feel a little intimidated. 

"Skyler, m-my name is Danny Valentino. I am calling you for peer support. Pastor Tom recommended me to you." I say with more confidence this time. I hear his smile on the other end as he asks me to tell him a little about myself. This causes my heart to melt a little. At least he seems kind. This helps me lower my defenses. 

"Well, I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression and I have recently come to faith in Jesus Christ. And to make a long story short, my wife is divorcing me because of this. This has caused me to go back into my Depression. I am still taking my medication, but I still feel like I want to commit suicide. Life just does not feel like it is worth living anymore." I say and I fully expect him to pass judgment on me and tell me that I just need more faith in God. However, much to my surprise he does not say that. 

"I understand what you mean. When I first was diagnosed with my disorder, I felt like life was not worth living anymore too." He says to me and this really surprises me. This man also has a mental illness? Wow, that is amazing that there is someone else out there who can understand my plight. 

"How do you deal with your illness?" I ask him, this time with my guard lowering even more. I hear him laugh a little. 

"Well, it has been a long and tedious uphill battle, but with the help of my medication and therapist, I've been able to manage my symptoms a little better. Also, my faith in the Sovereignty of God has really helped a lot too. Romans 8:28 tells us that God uses all things for our good. This would include our mental illnesses." He tells me and I am surprised by his answer. I wonder to myself how God is going to use my mental illness for my good. How is God going to use my divorce for my good too? It's a good thing I do not have any children because I cannot imagine how that would affect them. I do believe that God is sovereign over every part of life, but all of this seems too much for even Him. 

"Can we meet up sometime over lunch?" He asks me, interrupting my thoughts. I tell him that we can and he tells me that there is a great coffee shop in town called Pikes Perk and I tell him that I have heard of it. We agree to meet there in the next couple of days at 12:00 noon time. Then, he prays over me and we exchange our goodbyes and hang up the phone. I actually feel relieved to have called him. Skyler seems like a genuinely good man and I really like that he also has a mental illness too. It makes me feel like I am not alone in this world. The rest of the day I feel like I am floating on clouds because, for the first time in a while, I actually feel a glimmer of hope. Maybe life is worth living after all. 

Two Days Later: 

As I am driving to Pike Perk coffee shop, I cannot help but keep thinking about Skyler. What is he going to look like? How will our conversation go? What will I say to him? I decided that I will be a hundred percent honest and transparent with him. There is no sense in lying about myself. He will probably be able to see right through that anyway because I am not a good liar. As I enter the coffee shop, I see a towering black men approach me with a smile on his face. Is that really him? He is wearing cargo shorts and a black t-shirt that says, "I do not believe in atheists". What a peculiar shirt! 

"Are you Danny?" He asks with that same thunderous voice that I heard over the phone. When I tell him that I am, he gives me a huge bear hug. He squeezes me so tight that I feel like my lungs constrict. He then lets me go and he tells me that he will order me anything that I'd like. I order a Chai Tea and a bacon and egg sandwich. Then, he leads me up some stairs and we sit down on a leather couch. 

"So, how have you been these past couple of days?" He asks me with such care in his voice that immediately makes me feel at ease around him. I tell him how I've been better since our initial conversation but I am still feeling depressed though. He simply nods his head. 

"You said that God uses all things for our good right?" I ask him and he looks pleased by this question as he answers in the affirmative. 

"Well, how has God used your mental illness for your good?" I ask him with a serious look on my face. I can tell this question gets him excited. He was waiting for me to ask this question. 

"Well, for one, it has literally made me a more humble and caring me as I learn to wholly depend on the Lord for everything. God has used my illness to be more patient with my wife as I grow closer to her. And also the Lord led me into peer support where I can help people like me. I feel like I've really found my purpose in life." He says with such confidence in his voice. I ruminate on this for a little while and he just sits there silently while sipping his Vanilla Bean Latte. I then honestly tell him I am not sure how the Lord will use my illness or my divorce for my good. I tell him how it feels as if the Lord destroyed my life. 

"I understand, Danny," He says, "I used to think that the Lord destroyed my life too. However, I learned that sometimes the Lord breaks us down to build us back up again in His image. Everything God does for and to us is to conform us to the image of His Son." 

"Does it have to be so darn painful?" I ask him and he chuckles out loud. He then tells me how all suffering is painful momentarily, but it produces in our being character and hope that does not disappoint us. I immediately think of Pastor Tom's sermon on suffering when I first attended Redeemer. That was such a riveting sermon. 

"Danny, I understand that whatever you are going through is really hard on you right now, but you must hold on to your faith. God will get you through this and at the end, you will praise Him for this, I promise" He says with such conviction and I want to believe his words. But, it just seems so impossible to believe right now. I tell him that it is hard to trust God right now and he nods his head again. 

"I know it is, but The Lord is always good and faithful to us. Maybe you should express these concerns to God yourself." He says and I never even thought of doing that. Can I express my doubts and fears to God? Would He understand me? This thought seems foreign to my mind. However, there is that Scripture that says that Jesus was tempted in every way we are, yet He was without sin. Did He struggle with thoughts of suicide too? 

After about thirty more minutes of enjoyable conversation, Skyler tells me that he has to meet with someone else across town, but he says that I am welcome to call him at any time any day. He says he is always free to talk. We pray together and then stand up and give one another a hug. As I am heading out to my car, I see a dove in a tree. It looks at me and then flies away. Maybe that is a sign of the Holy Spirit watching over me. 

STAY TUNED FOR PART 8 COMING OUT NEXT WEDNESDAY... 

-David Lee Chu Sarchet 
Christian Mental Health Advocate 

Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website

Check out the other Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website

Simply Danny: Strife With My Marriage (Part 6)

    ***This is a fictitious account of a man named Danny who deals with Clinical Depression. Some content in this series may be triggering. If you are easily triggered, please do not read this***

It has been a horrible few days because my wife has been unbearable. I know that the Lord is sovereign and I take comfort in that fact, but why would He allow there to be so much turmoil in my life? Shouldn't the Christian life be filled with peace and happiness? That's what the television preachers are always preaching about anyway. Maybe God is teaching me a lesson. I am not sure what that lesson could be. It has gotten to the point where I actually dread seeing Angela because I know we will get into a knock-out blow-out argument. What do we fight over these days? Religion. She really does not like the fact that I have found Jesus. I thought she'd see the change in my life and be happy for me, but in these past few days, I've seen a different side of her that I have not seen in three years! To be honest, this whole ordeal has really triggered my Depression. I often isolate myself in my office with the lights turned off and stare blankly at the floor.  I then think about cutting myself. I do not want to think such thoughts because I know they are not honoring God, but I cannot help it. I want to love my wife and I want to have peace with her, but she won't let bygones be bygones. As I am staring at the floor, I hear a knock on my office door. I yell that I am not available. The door opens anyway. I really need to put a lock on that blasted door. Angela seems angry, which is no surprise these days. 

"Why are you sitting here in the dark?" She asks me and I can tell she is trying to appear compassionate, but it comes across as fake. I groan and tell her to leave me alone. 

"You need to come out and say hello to The Copelands" She demands of me. The Copelands are our neighbors across the street. I wonder why she asked for them to come over. I know that they are also atheists so maybe she is thinking they can "talk sense" into me. 

"I do not want to see them." I flatly say. I then continue to stare at my feet. My right foot is tapping the floor. It has a tendency to do that when I am feeling nervous. But, why am I nervous? It does not make sense. My wife has been making me anxious lately. 

"It's not good to isolate," She says and I can sense that she is becoming more angry by the minute. Why is she insisting on bothering me? Can't she see that I want to be left alone? I yell at her this time to leave me alone. I tell her that I know why she brought them over here and I am not walking into the lion's den. 

"If your god were real," she says "then, he should heal your depression." This really angers me. How dare this woman use my illness against me like that. How evil can she really be? This is an all-time low even for her. I used to think that Angela was a kind and compassionate human being, but now I do not even know who I married anymore. 

"You know, woman?!" I yell at her, "How dare you do this in front of our neighbors! You are a snake!" This time I even say an expletive, which surprises the both of us because I hardly ever cuss. She takes a few steps closer so that she can be right in front of my face. What she says next is like shoving a dagger into my heart. 

"You should just kill yourself. This time I won't stop you" She says in an ice-cold tone of voice. My eyes begin to water up and I also feel a sense of fear too. For the first time in my life, I am actually afraid of my wife. I am afraid because if she can so coldly say this then what really is she capable of? 

"I told you that we create our own meaning and if you insist on rotting away in this room like a corpse, then I do not love you anymore." She says with even more rage in her voice. 


"If we create our own meaning to life, then why did you bother saving my life, to begin with? I wanted to die and you would not let me!" I fire back at her and she just laughs at me. She then tells me that she wants a divorce. 

"You can live in this room with yourself and maybe your Jesus will keep you warm at night. I wash my hands of you" She finally says and then walks out of my office. She slams the door, which causes my snow globe to fall off my desk. I am left shaking out of anger and fear. I am angry because I cannot believe that she could be so heartless and I am fearful because I am not sure what I am going to do once this divorce is finalized. I am willing to have this divorce, though, because it is much better than dealing with this wretched woman. I actually have grown to despise her. She is a wicked woman. I decide that I am going to give Chaplain Henry a call. So, I take out my cell phone and call his number. He answers on the first ring. 

"Hello, Danny!" He proudly proclaims. He sounds very excited to hear from me and for a moment I forget why I am upset. His kindness always seems to melt my heart. I like how kind and compassionate he always seems to be. 

"My wife says she wants a divorce..." My voice trails off and I hold back from sobbing. Chaplain Henry makes sigh and says that he is sorry. 

"What happened?" He asks me with such care/ I explain the whole situation from how we have been arguing about Christianity the past few days all the way until right now. He tells me that he understands because when he first came to the faith his wife was the same way. I am surprised by this because his wife seems like such a sweet woman. I can't imagine her saying anything mean at all. 

"You need to pray for her even more, Danny. God can soften her heart and bring her to salvation. However, whatever you do, do not retaliate against her. You need to keep loving her despite how she behaves like Christ continued to love His persecutors despite how they treated Him. She will notice that and it will have an effect on her heart. But, if you retaliate, then it will just fuel her hatred." He advises me. I listen intently to him and it does make sense, but it seems so hard to do. I tell him that and he explains that it is difficult and that is why we need to pray for the Holy Spirit to give us the strength to follow through. I let his words sink into my heart and mind. 

"Why would God allow her to behave this way toward me? Shouldn't He have caused her to be happy with me finding Jesus?" I ask him. This time I pick up my snow globe off the floor and set it back on my desk. 

"God never promised us a happy marriage. As a matter of fact, Jesus says that He came to divide families. Your love for Him is being tested right now, Danny. Do you love and trust Him despite what you are going through or are you going to fold under pressure?" He answers me. I think about what he is saying for a long moment. I do love Jesus more than anything in the world. I just thought that things would be easier than this. Why is He testing me so harshly? I do not know if I can stand under this kind of pressure because this is more than I can bear. 

"Even when we are being tested," He continues, "He promises not to give us something we cannot bear, but He will give us a way out." Did he just read my mind? How could he have possibly known that I was thinking about that? I simply tell him thank you and that I will think about what he is saying. We say our goodbyes and we hang up. I am now left sitting in the darkness to think about what is going on. All of a sudden, thoughts of killing myself return. If this is what my life is going to consist of, then I do not want it. God will understand, right? He would not want me to be unhappy, right? No, the Lord couldn't possibly want me to be unhappy. I resolve to kill myself. Maybe the next life will be better because I do not want to live this life anymore. This time I will succeed at killing myself. Angela won't be able to stop me. I am going to borrow my neighbor's gun and blast my brains out. I know that will make "my wife" very happy. She will be pleased to see how her words affected me so much. I hate that woman with a passion. I decided to write her a suicide letter. I pull out a pen and paper and begin writing: 

"Dear Angela, 

These past few days have been a literal hell for me. I do not understand why you have to be so evil and heartless, but I decided that I will give you what you want. You told me to kill myself and that is what I will do. By the time you read this letter, I will already be in the afterlife. Even if I end up in hell, it will be much better than dealing with you. I want you to know that I do not harbor any ill will toward you and I do not hate you either. However, I have lost my will to live anymore. You have literally sucked the life right out of me. I hope that this pleases you. I do forgive you for everything, but I hope that twenty years from now you will think about me and feel sorrow for how you treated me. Have a blessed life" 

Your husband, 
Danny Valentino 

STAY TUNED FOR PART 7 OF THIS SERIES NEXT WEDNESDAY... 

-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate 

Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website

Check out the other Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website

Simply Danny: Going To Redeemer Presbyterian Church For The First Time (Part 5)

   ***This is a fictitious account of a man named Danny who deals with Clinical Depression. Some content in this series may be triggering. If you are easily triggered, please do not read this***

I finally got discharged from Memorial Catholic Psychiatric Hospital about two days ago and I feel ecstatic. The first thing that I did when I got home was lay a big kiss on my wife. I think she was surprised because she told me I seemed very happy. The truth is, I have never felt happier. The Zoloft that Dr. Thurman prescribed me is a miracle drug. I have no idea why I did not know about this sooner. I keep thinking about when I talked to that hospital chaplain about the Lord. His kindness and gentleness really warmed my heart. I wonder if all Christians are just like him. I guess I will find out this Sunday when I go to church. I walk into the kitchen and see my wife preparing pork chops and greens. I love it when Angela makes pork chops and greens. I walk up to her and caress her butt with my right hand and kiss her neck. She smiles and says that she loves me. 

"Would you like to go to church with me tomorrow, babe?" I gently ask her and she seems very surprised by my request. She tells me that she had no idea that I was religious. 

"I recently gave my life over to the Lord while I was in the hospital" I excitedly tell her and she makes a scowl with her face. Why is she upset? I would think that she would be pleased that I found Jesus. I ask her what the problem is. 

"I do not like that you're trying to bring a dead man into our home," She says angrily. I am taken aback by this and attempt to tell her that Jesus is not dead because He literally rose from the dead. She looks dismayed by this. 

"Come on, baby," Angela speaks "You cannot honestly believe that nonsense right? I mean, have you ever SEEN a dead person rise from the dead before? It is a scientific impossibility. Think about it." I must admit that she does seem to make a point because dead people do not rise. And, indeed, I have never seen a dead person rise from the dead. However, if the story of Jesus IS true, then it is pretty remarkable. 

"Don't you think that if Jesus were to have risen from the dead, it would be considered a miracle of God?" I gently ask her. I am determined to reason with my wife because I want her to see my logic and perhaps become saved herself. However, she just met my determination with more resistance. 

"Babe, we do not even know if there is a god." She flatly says and this time she seems even more annoyed with me. She then tells me that she has always been an atheist. My wife is an atheist? Why did she not tell me this before? I guess in the three years that we have been married it has never even come up. I must admit that I am deeply distressed by this but I am not sure why. 

"Don't you think that if there is no God that this life would be pretty depressing?" I inquire of her. She just laughs in my face and I feel pretty sheepish. 

"There are plenty of atheists who go on to live fulfilling lives without religion in their life. Look at Richard Dawkins and Sam Harris for example. You do not need religion to be happy. We create our own meaning to life!" She says and I must admit that I do see the logic in that. I do not know who Richard Dawkins and Sam Harris are, but I think I will check them out as soon as possible. My wife finishes making the pork chops and greens and take our seats at the Dining Room table and eat our dinners in silence. I just keep thinking about Angela being an atheist and how life could still hold meaning without God. I do not understand that whatsoever. I know that when I came to the faith, I felt like for once in my life I had a purpose. Was it all a lie? Am I being a fool who is being deceived? I will just finish eating my dinner and go to bed early. Then, tomorrow morning I will go to church and talk to Chaplain Henry about this if I see him. However, I do feel a dark cloud forming above my head. I begin feeling a little blue. I am not sure why this is happening. Maybe the Zoloft is not working anymore and maybe I need my medication adjusted again. I decide to push the thought away and focus on my food. 

The next morning, I woke up feeling like the dark cloud did not leave me. I walk sluggishly to the bathroom to brush my teeth and get ready for church. My wife asks me why I am up so early and I tell her that I am going to church. Did she not remember our conversation from yesterday? 

"Oh, you were serious about that?" She angrily asks me. I do not understand why she is so angry about my faith in God. I think it is irrational, but I choose not to say anything. I just focus on brushing my teeth. However, I keep having thoughts of doubt creep into my mind. What if what she is saying is actually true? What if I am believing a lie and there is no meaning to life? If that is the case then I may as well kill myself. If there is no God, then life is really meaningless. Angela said that we create our own meaning, but what is the point of all of that? If this life is all that there is, then that means we just live to suffer and then eventually die. That is no life to live. I end up resolving that when I go to church this morning, if I do not see any reason to live afterward, then I will kill myself because I do not want to live to suffer and then just die. My neighbor Jeff owns a gun, so I will ask him if I can borrow it. 

As I am driving to the address that Chaplain Henry gave me, I cannot stop thinking about what my wife said yesterday evening right before dinner. I love her dearly, but I honestly hope that she is wrong this time. If God is not real and this whole Christianity thing is a life, then I was sold a bill of goods. I was hoodwinked and bamboozled. I pull up to the church and the first thing that I notice is how small the building seems to be. They must not have the funds for a bigger church building. That's fine because a smaller church building may mean a smaller congregation and I do not want to be around a lot of people. I really hope that these people are as friendly as Chaplain Henry. As I walk into the church, I am greeted by a rotund old man with a nice three-piece black suit and tie. I notice that he is wearing a Rolex watch on his right hand and he has wire-rimmed glasses on. He smiles at me and introduces himself as Alex. I tell him my name and he asks me how I found the church. 

"Chaplain Henry told me about it when I spoke to him in Memorial Hospital" I calmly reply. 

"Oh, Henry is such a gem!" He proudly proclaims as he leads me to a pew in the front of the church. I was not expecting to sit all the way in the front, but I thank him anyways. He tells me that he hopes I enjoy the service as he walks back to the front of the church. I look around and see the stained glass windows with angels on them. They look gloriously beautiful. What a sight! 

"We do not even know if there is a god" Angela's voice breaks into my thoughts. I immediately feel the dark foreboding coming over me again. Chaplain Henry sees me in the front and approaches me. 

"Hey, Danny! Welcome to our church! How are you?" He says as he sticks out his hand to shake my hand. I reach out my right hand to shake his, but I remain seated. I do not feel like standing up. 

"I am fine" I lied and Chaplain Henry tells me that I will like Pastor Tom's sermons because he preaches a solid Gospel. I am not sure what that is supposed to mean, but I just nod my head. 

"Well, I am going to sit with my family, but afterward come find me so we can talk some more, alright?" He politely requests of me. I admire his kindness. However, how kind can he really be if he lied to me so easily? I feel dazed and confused. Pastor Tom approaches the front and stands behind a podium. He is a thin man with wire-rimmed glasses and jet-black hair. He greets everyone and asks if there are any new visitors. I raise my hand and he smiles. 

"Would you like to stand up and briefly introduce yourself to everyone, son?" He asks of me and immediately I feel scared. However, I decided to comply because I do not want to cause any trouble. I slowly stand to my feet and face the congregation. 

"My name is Danny Valentino." I quickly say and then sit back down. Pastor Tom warmly smiles and tells me to welcome to Redeemer Presbyterian Church. I politely tell him thanks. As the service drags on with hymn singing, I feel my mind drift off into a whole bunch of negativity. What if all this is just one big waste of time? Why am I even here? This whole thing is just nonsense like Angela said and I should just walk out right now. I cannot believe that I was dumb enough to fall for Chaplain Henry's lies. As soon as I resolved to leave, Pastor Tom began to preach the sermon. The topic was suffering. I decided to stay for this because I'd like to hear what he has to say about that. He begins by reading Romans 8:18 which says, 

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." 

That Scripture really resonates with me for some reason. Our suffering is not to be compared to the future glory to be revealed in us? Is he talking about our future hope in Heaven? Pastor Tom goes on to talk about how our suffering has a purpose to conform us to the image of His Son, Jesus Christ. He then reads Romans 8:28, which says, 

"And we know that all things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to his purpose." 

The pastor talks about how everything we go through in this life is somehow working for our good because God is sovereign and in control over everything that comes to pass. I actually feel a sense of joy right now. My cloud of darkness is being lifted because I have hope again. Since God is sovereign, He can work out all I am going through for my good. Even my Clinical Depression? Can He heal me of that? Perhaps. That is my hope anyway. 

After the service is over, I walk out of the sanctuary and Chaplain Henry finds me. He introduces me to his wife, Amy, and his two kids, James and Katie. He then asks me if I have a minute to speak with him. I answer in the affirmative and we walk away to sit down on a bench by the restroom. 

"So, how have you been since you've been discharged, Danny? He asks in a very hushed tone of voice. I guess he is trying to respect my privacy by not unintentionally announcing that I was in the psychiatric hospital recently. I appreciate that. 

"To be honest," I look down to the floor "I was fine until yesterday evening." Chaplain Henry seems concerned and asks me what happened. I explain to him all that went on with me and my wife and how she put doubt into my mind. He does not seem surprised one bit. 

"Honestly," He begins to say, "it can be tough when one person in a marriage is a Christian while the other is not. I am sorry that this happened." He seems genuine. I look up and see the compassion in his eyes. 

"But, is it true that we cannot know if there is a God or not?" I quietly ask him and he looks at me with a caring look in his eyes. 

"No, it is not at all. There is actually very good evidence that God exists and Christianity is true. Do you care to borrow a book from me? Will you read it?" He asks me gently. I answer in the affirmative and then we both stand up and head to his office. He then grabs a book off of his bookshelf and hands it to me. 

"Now, I do not agree with everything Dr. Frank Turek and Norman Geisler say, but this is a very good book explaining the evidence for Christianity, though." He says as I grab the book. I stare at it with astonishment. It is titled "I Don't Have Enough Faith To Be An Atheist". I chuckle at the title. Does it really take a whole lot of faith to be an atheist? I guess that I will find out. I resolve to begin reading this tonight before bed. I thank Chaplain Henry and we shake hands and hug each other. Then, I quickly head out to my car and begin driving back home. While I am driving, I am filled with thoughts of joy about the sovereignty of God. 

STAY TUNED FOR PART 6 NEXT WEDNESDAY... 

-David Lee Chu Sarchet 
Christian Mental Health Advocate 

Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website

Check out the other Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website

Simply Danny: Zoloft Saved My Life (Part 4)

  ***This is a fictitious account of a man named Danny who deals with Clinical Depression. Some content in this series may be triggering. If you are easily triggered, please do not read this***

It has been two days since Dr. Thurman prescribed me Zoloft for my Clinical Depression. He has since increased my dose to 100mg and I feel a  million times better. My depression has been lifted finally. I feel like singing that song "I Can See Clearly Now The Rain Is Gone" because I am so relieved that I no longer have this fog clouding my mind. Why did I not see a psychiatrist before? I guess it was because I feared being labeled as a "crazy person". I see the homeless people downtown who walk around talking to themselves and I did not want to be compared to one of them. However, I now realize that Clinical Depression is a disease much like any other disease and it requires medical treatment. There is no shame in seeking professional help for a medical ailment. Dr. Thurman seems greatly impressed with my progress and told me that he will discharge me tomorrow morning. I am very excited about that because I cannot wait to see Angela. She has been my biggest support and I love her so very much. Dr. Thurman tells me he has a private practice outside of the hospital and asks if I would like to see him for follow-up care. I tell him that of course, I would. and he schedules me for next Friday at 2 pm. I thank him for his time and walk out of his office after shaking his hand. I feel like I am floating in the clouds. The first thing that I want to do is call my wife and tell her the news. I really want to hear her voice. I sit down in the seat in front of the pay phone and pick up the receiver, then dial our house number. Angela picks up the phone, but she sounds tired. She must have just woken up. 

"H-hello?" She says through the phone. I excitedly tell her that I am discharging tomorrow. She seems pleased by this and tells me that she misses me. She then tells me that the house has been unbearably quiet without me. 

"I understand babe," I say in response "I cannot wait to cuddle next to you in bed." She says that would be nice and I tell her I love her. She responds by saying the same. All of a sudden, I hear the nurse on the intercom say that it is time for group therapy. I groan, but then I tell myself that this is my last day here, so I might as well cooperate. After I hang up the phone, I begin heading toward the room where the group therapy is being held. 

In today's group, the leader starts talking about how music can be very therapeutic and helpful for one's mental health. I never thought about it that way, but then again, music has always helped me to remain calm during my Depressed stages. So, maybe there is some truth to this. He then says that he will play a few minutes of any song we individually choose and then we must say something about what the song means to us. I began racking my brain for the perfect song that I would like to share with the group. One guy mentions Let The Bodies Hit The Floor by Drowning Pool and I am deeply disturbed by this song. This does not seem very appropriate for a therapeutic setting, but to each their own, I guess. One woman mentions Single Ladies by Beyonce', and this song seems a lot better. Another woman mentions a song called Amazing Grace and that song really resonates with me for some reason. This is the best song so far. Now, it is my turn and every eye is on me. What I am going to choose? Instantly, I remember a song by this singer I saw on YouTube one day. What was his name again? Ah, I remember now. Everyone is going to love this song. 

"Better Today by Coffey Anderson," I say with a smile. The group leader searches for it on YouTube and begins to play it. As the song is playing, I begin thinking about my wife. She has been very supportive of me in some of my worst moments. I made it very difficult for her to love me too. I begin planning on making it up to her as soon as I am back home. I will take her out to her favorite Sushi restaurant. She absolutely loves Sushi. 

"And what does this song mean to you, Danny?" The group leader's voice breaks into my thoughts. I am caught off guard because I was so deep in my thoughts that I did not realize that the song ended. I quickly explain to everyone that this song has special significance to me because it reminds me how my wife made me a better man when she agreed to marry me. Some of the women in the group say, "Aw, I love that". I feel a little sheepish. 

After the group therapy session ends, we all head out and it is time for lunch. So, I sit down at one of the round tables and a nurse brings me my tray. Today's lunch is Lasagna and I am not too fond of Lasagna, but I am going to eat it though. I also see a fruit cup, a frosted brownie, and an Apple Juice. The lunch is not so bad after all. As I am eating, a new guy sits down next to me and introduces himself as Jacob. Jacob is a middle-aged and balding white man with coke-bottled and wired-rimmed glasses. He is wearing a shirt that says, "Gay and Proud". He politely talks to me about this show called Family Guy and I am entertaining him even though I have no idea what he is talking about. I just nod my head and say, "Mhmm". 

"What are your views on politics?" He asks me out of nowhere and I honestly do not think this is an appropriate conservation topic. I tell him that I am a Conservative anyway and he immediately gives me a sour look. I think I may have offended him. So, I assure him that I prefer not to pay attention to politics really. 

"That's understandable, but we must pay attention to politics because the Conservatives are trying to force religion down our throats and take away our freedoms. They only care about making the rich richer and making the poor poorer." He tells me and I do not say anything because I am not trying to get into a political debate with someone in the psychiatric hospital. I tell him that I respectfully disagree, but that I do not want to get into a political discussion with him because it will only trigger me. He simply nods his head and quietly eats his cheeseburger and fries. What a healthy lunch! 

After lunch, I head to my room and walk into the bathroom so that I can brush my teeth. I am staring at myself in the mirror and I see that I am growing a thick beard. I am going to have to shave as soon as I get back home. Angela loves it when I have facial hair, but I do not particularly like it though. Once I am done brushing my teeth, I head back into the room and sit down in the chair. I remember the other day, I asked to speak to the hospital chaplain, and all of a sudden, a man wearing a black suit and tie comes walking in. He is tall and lanky with a grey thick beard. He introduces himself to me as Pastor Henry and I introduce myself to him. We shake hands and he sits down on my bed. 

"So, why did you request for me, Danny?" He politely asks me with a gentle smile. His kindness and gentleness actually melt my heart. I tell him that I would like to know more about Jesus Christ and how I can be saved. His smile grows even wider. He seems excited about this as he explains to me that Jesus was God in the flesh and come to be sacrificed on our behalf to make atonement for our sins. I do acknowledge that I am a sinner. I clearly recognize that because I have made a total wreck of my life. He then tells me that God's law requires perfection to be with God because God is perfectly holy. Well, I am definitely not perfect. I tell him that. 

"Ah, none of us are perfect, Danny! For all have sinned and fallen short of His glory!" He proudly yells at me. It actually startles me because I was not expecting him to yell like that. He then tells me that if I trust in Jesus' sacrifice and resurrection, then I will be saved from God's wrath and be united with Him for eternity in love and peace. I seriously want that. I tell him that I believe and he stands up and gives me a huge bear hug. He then says to me "Welcome to the family of God, son!" Family of God? I like the sound of that because I have never had much of a family before, except for my wife. She has always been my only family. He asks me if I have ever been to church and I tell him not since I was a child. He then gives me some information about a church in town called Redeemer Presbyterian Church. He tells me that it is a solid Bible-believing church and tells me that he attends that church with his family. I tell him that I will check it out this Sunday and he smiles at me even more. This time I notice exactly how white his teeth glisten. We give each other a hug and he hands me a Bible before heading out of my room. For the first time in my life, I actually can read the Bible. I open up the Bible to the Gospel of John and begin reading it. I did not realize this at the time, but God was about to lead me on a path to more holiness. For now, though, I am filled with thoughts of Jesus' sacrifice on behalf of sinners like myself. 

STAY TUNED FOR PART 5 OF THIS SERIES... 

-David Lee Chu Sarchet 
Christian Mental Health Advocate 

Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website

Check out the other Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website