Marriage is a difficult relationship to manage in life. The reason for this is that we are all sinners. When you get two sinners living together for life, it is difficult for the two to learn how to deal with one another. This is made even worse when mental illness is thrown into the mix. According to the AI Overview,
"Couples with a history of mental illness, whether in one or both partners, face a higher risk of divorce compared to couples without mental illness. Studies indicate this increased risk can range from 20% to 80% higher, depending on the specific mental disorder and its severity."
This may sound daunting, but there is real hope for marriages that are built on a solid foundation centered on Christ. In this blog, I shall discuss how my mental illness has affected my marriage but then I will give some advice that has worked for me and my wife. The purpose of my writing this is to show you that marriages that deal with mental illnesses can work out, despite what the statistics say. I want to give you hope so that you will not feel discouraged from pursuing marriage. A godly marriage is a beautiful thing that God has blessed us with on this side of Heaven. I firmly believe that the Lord has someone for everyone. If you have a desire to be married, then God will grant you the desires of your heart. I believe this because Psalm 37:4 tells us,
"Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will grant you desires of your heart"
Did you notice what the Psalmist is saying here? He basically is saying that if you find your delight in God, then He will grant you your heart's desire. I believe that this means we must find our ultimate fulfillment in Christ, and once we do that, then our desires will become His desires. When our desires become His desires, that is when He will give us what we want because we will want what He wants. I sincerely hope that this makes sense to you. We just need to trust in His timing to reveal who our spouse is. Trust me, it took me over a decade to find my wife, but once I found her, I realized that upon meeting her, it was literally the best thing to ever happen to me. But, I digress. Let me explain how my Schizoaffective Disorder has affected my marriage. I will reference three ways, but I want you to know that there definitely are more ways, though. These are just three ways I would like to cover for the sake of this blog. These three ways are: Leadership, Financial, and Sacrifice. I will elaborate on each of these points now, and then afterwards, I will give you some encouraging words of advice that will help you make your marriage successful.
Leadership
This has probably been the hardest barrier for me to understand. I believe that part of the reason it has been so difficult for me is that I never had a godly man teach me how to lead a wife before I became a Christian in my 20s. However, this is only part of the reason. The main reason is that my mental illness causes me to be extremely lazy. This is a symptom called anhedonia. In case you're wondering what anhedonia is, it is a symptom that decreases one's interest in things that they once found pleasurable. My anhedonia causes me to no longer enjoy leading and spending time with my wife. It is for this reason that sometimes my wife has had to step up to tell me what I must be doing as the man of the household. For example, I know that I should be leading my wife in our weekly Family Worship times, but sometimes all I want to do is read my books or watch movies and TV shows on Netflix. It is for this reason that I sometimes discourage myself from leading us in Family Worship, and my wife will have to bring it to my attention.
Financial
This is the second most important barrier that has affected our marriage. You may or may not already know this, but my wife is the primary "bread-winner" in our household. It is for this reason that sometimes I feel like I am "less of a man" because I am not currently working a traditional 9-5 job. I try to encourage myself by saying that I am doing the best that I can, despite having a mental disability, but it does not always work. However, this is why I am working so hard in this ministry and why I am working so hard in my Biblical Counseling Courses too. I know that as long as I am faithful in glorifying God with the work He has given me, then eventually He will bless the work that I do. I am just glad that my wife believes in the work that I do. This is one of the reasons why I feel blessed to have my wife.
Sacrifice
This is the third most important barrier in my marriage. I say this because sometimes I feel like my wife has and is making more of a sacrifice for me than I am making for her. After all, she is the one who left her home to come be with me. I know that she was willing to make that sacrifice because she believes in me, but I feel like I should have done more for her. Even to this day, I still feel like I should be doing much more for her. It is for this reason that I try my best to do the little things around the house just so I can ease the burden off her shoulders. I know that she does appreciate that I do that, too.
Now that I have explained how mental illness has affected my marriage, I shall give some godly advice for how you can live in a successful marriage centered around Christ, even though mental illness is prevalent. If we turn to Proverbs 18:22, we read the following,
"He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord"
Husbands, if you want a successful marriage, you must take this verse to heart. You must see your wife as the good thing that is displaying favor from God. I personally look for every opportunity to show my wife that I truly do appreciate her. Do we have the perfect marriage? Of course not! But I do my best to show my gratitude for her, and I am always thankful to the Lord for showing me favor by giving her to me. If you want a successful marriage, you need to do what I am doing.
If we turn to Ephesians 5:25-28, we read the following,
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, in order to make her holy by cleansing by the washing of water by the word, so as to present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything of the kind--yes, so that she may be holy and without blemish"
As you can see from this text, brothers, it is our duty to love our wives the way Christ loves His church. How did He show us this example? He displayed His love for us by sacrificing Himself on the cross and thus, bearing our sins and our punishment that we deserved. Theologians call this "The Great Exchange". What this means is that when Jesus went to the cross, He took all of our sins upon Himself, and His perfect righteousness was imputed onto us. It is for this reason that we, as His bride, can stand before God as holy and blameless in His sight. If Christ was willing to take the ultimate sacrifice for us, then how much more should we be doing for our own wives? Husbands, this means that if your wife had a long day at work and she wants to rest, then maybe you should take care of the dishes instead of making her do it. The same applies to other household chores too. If your wife wants to spend time with you, but your "boys" want to hang out, then you should be able to tell them no because your wife comes first. If your wife tells you that she does not want to cook dinner one night because she had a hard day at work, then you should fend for yourself on those days. You should also offer to give her a back rub. The bottom line is this: you should be willing to do more for your wife than she is doing for you, even if you do not feel like doing anything. Anhedonia is no excuse to disregard the commandment that tells us to lay down our lives for our wives. Also, anhedonia is no excuse to neglect Family Worship. I personally understand that anhedonia is difficult to overcome, but if you want a successful God-honoring marriage, then you must do whatever you can to overcome anhedonia. We can accomplish all things through Christ, who gives us strength (Philippians 4:13).
For those of you who feel condemned because you have failed at being a "bad" husband for your wives, I would like to leave you with one last word of encouragement. When we turn to Romans 8:1, we read the following,
"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..."
I personally find this scripture comforting, especially when I consider my own failures in being a "rotten" husband. It helps me to understand that no matter what I am not condemned by God because He has borne my condemnation already. It is for this reason that you and I can celebrate, despite our failures. If you have let down your wife in any way, shape, or form, please understand that it is alright. You do not need to feel like God is punishing you or even that your wife should love you any less than she currently does. All you need to do is acknowledge your failure to God and your wife, and then pick yourself back up so that you can do better next time.
I hope that this blog really helps you understand how you can be a better husband for your wife, even if you are dealing with a mental illness of any kind. I pray that you will not feel condemned by this blog, but instead, the Lord will use this blog to give you encouragement to be the best husband that you can be. It will not be easy, and some days you may even feel like giving up, but on those days, you need to give it all to the Lord, and He will direct your steps (Proverbs 3:5-6). Thank you for taking the time to read my blog, and may the grace of Jesus Christ richly bless you all!
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Please check out the CCMH Ministry Website
"Couples with a history of mental illness, whether in one or both partners, face a higher risk of divorce compared to couples without mental illness. Studies indicate this increased risk can range from 20% to 80% higher, depending on the specific mental disorder and its severity."
This may sound daunting, but there is real hope for marriages that are built on a solid foundation centered on Christ. In this blog, I shall discuss how my mental illness has affected my marriage but then I will give some advice that has worked for me and my wife. The purpose of my writing this is to show you that marriages that deal with mental illnesses can work out, despite what the statistics say. I want to give you hope so that you will not feel discouraged from pursuing marriage. A godly marriage is a beautiful thing that God has blessed us with on this side of Heaven. I firmly believe that the Lord has someone for everyone. If you have a desire to be married, then God will grant you the desires of your heart. I believe this because Psalm 37:4 tells us,
"Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will grant you desires of your heart"
Did you notice what the Psalmist is saying here? He basically is saying that if you find your delight in God, then He will grant you your heart's desire. I believe that this means we must find our ultimate fulfillment in Christ, and once we do that, then our desires will become His desires. When our desires become His desires, that is when He will give us what we want because we will want what He wants. I sincerely hope that this makes sense to you. We just need to trust in His timing to reveal who our spouse is. Trust me, it took me over a decade to find my wife, but once I found her, I realized that upon meeting her, it was literally the best thing to ever happen to me. But, I digress. Let me explain how my Schizoaffective Disorder has affected my marriage. I will reference three ways, but I want you to know that there definitely are more ways, though. These are just three ways I would like to cover for the sake of this blog. These three ways are: Leadership, Financial, and Sacrifice. I will elaborate on each of these points now, and then afterwards, I will give you some encouraging words of advice that will help you make your marriage successful.
Leadership
This has probably been the hardest barrier for me to understand. I believe that part of the reason it has been so difficult for me is that I never had a godly man teach me how to lead a wife before I became a Christian in my 20s. However, this is only part of the reason. The main reason is that my mental illness causes me to be extremely lazy. This is a symptom called anhedonia. In case you're wondering what anhedonia is, it is a symptom that decreases one's interest in things that they once found pleasurable. My anhedonia causes me to no longer enjoy leading and spending time with my wife. It is for this reason that sometimes my wife has had to step up to tell me what I must be doing as the man of the household. For example, I know that I should be leading my wife in our weekly Family Worship times, but sometimes all I want to do is read my books or watch movies and TV shows on Netflix. It is for this reason that I sometimes discourage myself from leading us in Family Worship, and my wife will have to bring it to my attention.
Financial
This is the second most important barrier that has affected our marriage. You may or may not already know this, but my wife is the primary "bread-winner" in our household. It is for this reason that sometimes I feel like I am "less of a man" because I am not currently working a traditional 9-5 job. I try to encourage myself by saying that I am doing the best that I can, despite having a mental disability, but it does not always work. However, this is why I am working so hard in this ministry and why I am working so hard in my Biblical Counseling Courses too. I know that as long as I am faithful in glorifying God with the work He has given me, then eventually He will bless the work that I do. I am just glad that my wife believes in the work that I do. This is one of the reasons why I feel blessed to have my wife.
Sacrifice
This is the third most important barrier in my marriage. I say this because sometimes I feel like my wife has and is making more of a sacrifice for me than I am making for her. After all, she is the one who left her home to come be with me. I know that she was willing to make that sacrifice because she believes in me, but I feel like I should have done more for her. Even to this day, I still feel like I should be doing much more for her. It is for this reason that I try my best to do the little things around the house just so I can ease the burden off her shoulders. I know that she does appreciate that I do that, too.
Now that I have explained how mental illness has affected my marriage, I shall give some godly advice for how you can live in a successful marriage centered around Christ, even though mental illness is prevalent. If we turn to Proverbs 18:22, we read the following,
"He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord"
Husbands, if you want a successful marriage, you must take this verse to heart. You must see your wife as the good thing that is displaying favor from God. I personally look for every opportunity to show my wife that I truly do appreciate her. Do we have the perfect marriage? Of course not! But I do my best to show my gratitude for her, and I am always thankful to the Lord for showing me favor by giving her to me. If you want a successful marriage, you need to do what I am doing.
If we turn to Ephesians 5:25-28, we read the following,
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, in order to make her holy by cleansing by the washing of water by the word, so as to present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything of the kind--yes, so that she may be holy and without blemish"
As you can see from this text, brothers, it is our duty to love our wives the way Christ loves His church. How did He show us this example? He displayed His love for us by sacrificing Himself on the cross and thus, bearing our sins and our punishment that we deserved. Theologians call this "The Great Exchange". What this means is that when Jesus went to the cross, He took all of our sins upon Himself, and His perfect righteousness was imputed onto us. It is for this reason that we, as His bride, can stand before God as holy and blameless in His sight. If Christ was willing to take the ultimate sacrifice for us, then how much more should we be doing for our own wives? Husbands, this means that if your wife had a long day at work and she wants to rest, then maybe you should take care of the dishes instead of making her do it. The same applies to other household chores too. If your wife wants to spend time with you, but your "boys" want to hang out, then you should be able to tell them no because your wife comes first. If your wife tells you that she does not want to cook dinner one night because she had a hard day at work, then you should fend for yourself on those days. You should also offer to give her a back rub. The bottom line is this: you should be willing to do more for your wife than she is doing for you, even if you do not feel like doing anything. Anhedonia is no excuse to disregard the commandment that tells us to lay down our lives for our wives. Also, anhedonia is no excuse to neglect Family Worship. I personally understand that anhedonia is difficult to overcome, but if you want a successful God-honoring marriage, then you must do whatever you can to overcome anhedonia. We can accomplish all things through Christ, who gives us strength (Philippians 4:13).
For those of you who feel condemned because you have failed at being a "bad" husband for your wives, I would like to leave you with one last word of encouragement. When we turn to Romans 8:1, we read the following,
"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus..."
I personally find this scripture comforting, especially when I consider my own failures in being a "rotten" husband. It helps me to understand that no matter what I am not condemned by God because He has borne my condemnation already. It is for this reason that you and I can celebrate, despite our failures. If you have let down your wife in any way, shape, or form, please understand that it is alright. You do not need to feel like God is punishing you or even that your wife should love you any less than she currently does. All you need to do is acknowledge your failure to God and your wife, and then pick yourself back up so that you can do better next time.
I hope that this blog really helps you understand how you can be a better husband for your wife, even if you are dealing with a mental illness of any kind. I pray that you will not feel condemned by this blog, but instead, the Lord will use this blog to give you encouragement to be the best husband that you can be. It will not be easy, and some days you may even feel like giving up, but on those days, you need to give it all to the Lord, and He will direct your steps (Proverbs 3:5-6). Thank you for taking the time to read my blog, and may the grace of Jesus Christ richly bless you all!
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Please check out the CCMH Ministry Website
