***The following is a fictitious account of a woman named Amy Jamison who struggles with Separation Anxiety Disorder. Some content may be triggering. If you are easily triggered, do not keep reading. If you are not easily triggered, then hopefully you find this story to be a tremendous blessing***
Hank is finally coming over to my apartment! It had been like five days, but he finally decided he missed me! I feel so elated to see him. I am determined to not make him upset with me. I cannot afford to mess things up because I do not know when I will be able to see him again. I am busy getting my apartment up to par because it has gotten pretty messy the past few days. I am not normally a messy person, but lately, I've been so depressed because Hank has been ignoring me. My life does not feel worth living when he is not around. You have to understand when I tell you that Hank is my whole world I really mean that. He means so much to me. This is why tonight has to be absolutely perfect. I want to make sure he feels this relationship is worth fighting for because I am a good girlfriend. While I am cleaning, I have his favorite meal on the stove. He absolutely loves spaghetti and meatballs, especially the way I make it. I cannot wait until he shows up. While I am preparing for this night, I have Taylor Swift playing on Pandora. I love Taylor Swift.
About an hour later, I heard a knock at the door. It had got to be him, so I ran to answer it. He looks at me with that endearing smile of his. His smile always makes my heart melt. He picks me up in a bear hug and we kiss for what seems to be an eternity. He tells me he missed me and I think for a second to ask him why he has not contacted me, but then decide not to push my luck. I do not want to risk making him upset and spoiling the night. Instead, I will just tell him that I miss him too and invite him into my place. We head to the dining room table and he asks me what is for dinner.
"Your favorite, baby," I tell him with a huge grin on my face, as I make him his plate. I bring his plate of spaghetti to him and he reaches out and grabs it from my hands. Then, I make myself a plate and head to my place at the table, right next to him. As we are eating, we make small talk about how his work is doing at the car mechanic shop, about how his week went, and about how he wants to see the new Top Gun Maverick movie. He never once asks anything about me, but I do not mind. I am just glad to be in his presence. He is the best man I have ever known. I listen intently to him talking about himself for about ten minutes before I realize that I am not really eating my own food. I am just so enamored by him.
"Your food is getting cold, Ames," He says to me. This is the first time he actually broke away from talking about himself and I feel happy to be acknowledged. I apologize and start eating my own food. All of a sudden, he tells me something that raises some concern.
"So, you remember Catie, right?" He asks me and I try to rack my mind for some remembrance of this woman. I tell him that I do not remember her and he reminds me that she is the woman that works the front desk at the mechanic shop. Oh, yeah, now I remember her. I never really liked her because she was always trying to flirt with my man.
"What about her?" I ask him, as I am trying to remain as calm as possible, but my paranoia is really beginning to act up. He takes a few more bites and every minute that passes by I feel a little more anxious.
"Well, recently she asked if I would like to go with her to a Nuggets game..." His voice trails off, as he shovels a few more bites into his mouth. I do not like the sound of this one bit. I ask him what he said and he tells me that he said yes. Why in the world would he say that? Didn't he take into consideration how that would make me feel? I do not say anything. I just sit in stunned silence and he must have noticed my reaction.
"Why are you surprised, babe?" He asks with genuine concern, much to my surprise. "You know how much I love the Nuggets! You could not have expected me to say no. You would not be that selfish, right?" Maybe he is right. Maybe my reaction is a bit selfish. I just do not like the idea of some woman who clearly likes my man going on a date with him. But, who said that it is a date? It is just a night for two coworkers to mutually enjoy a basketball game. I am sure he would have invited me if he thought I'd be into it. Maybe I am just overreacting, right? It is probably no big deal. I tell myself this, but my anxiety is beginning to shoot through the roof.
"You're okay with this, right Ames?" He asks and I genuinely do not know what to say. Am I ok with this? I am not sure really, but I tell him that I am because I am trying to be a good girlfriend. I do not want to be a clingy and possessive girlfriend. He is allowed to have friends who are girls and he is even allowed to hang out with them too. It is no big deal. I do not need to overreact. He still only loves me. If he did not love me, he would not be here, right?
"That's good," He says, "Well, after the game, we are going out to eat some dinner too". What? He is taking her out to eat now? Well, that makes sense because they will be hungry after the game. Maybe it is not a big deal. I try to tell myself that, but I literally feel my heart thumping faster. He must notice my discomfort.
"Ames, you should not be uncomfortable because I am spending time with you tonight, and that is far more than you deserve, ya know?" He says with a smirk on his face. What does he mean by that? I look at him with a stunned look on my face. I am literally dumbfounded by what he just told me.
"What do you mean by that?" I genuinely ask him. He laughs to himself out loud and I feel ashamed for even asking, but I really want to know.
"Well, you know how much of a crazy woman you have been acting like lately, right? You must have figured that I would need to spend some time with a normal woman after dealing with you." He says and I begin to tear up. I cannot believe he just called me a "crazy woman". I guess he is right, though. I have been acting pretty crazy lately with all the calling and texting him. I've constantly been bothering him when he was working. But, I thought I was just being a good girlfriend by showing him my love. Maybe I do deserve this. Maybe this is Karma getting me back for being a bad girlfriend. I slowly put my head down. All of a sudden, I do not feel like eating anymore. He finishes all of his spaghetti and tells me that dinner was delicious. Then, he says that he has to go home now because he has work in the morning. He gives me a kiss on the forehead and walks out of my apartment. I do not know when I will see him again.
I pick up his and my plates and place them in the sink. I will wash them later. I walk over to my living room couch and fall into the cushions. I just want sleep the sleep of death. I do not feel like living anymore. What he told me was literally like shoving a knife into my heart. I just keep thinking of him spending time with Catie. What in the world does she have that I don't? Well, for one, she probably isn't crazy like me. He deserves someone not crazy. But, I do not try to be crazy. I just love him so very much. Why can't he see that? I am tempted to cut myself again, except this time I want to cut a main artery because I want to die. I do not want to live anymore. This is a new thought. I never contemplated suicide before, but if I cannot have Hank to myself, then I do not want to live anymore. Life without Hank is not worth living. However, what if I kill myself and the afterlife is worse than this life? That thought scares me too. I do not want to die, but I feel so darn depressed. Maybe I should check myself into the hospital for a little while to get my mind in check. There is a good hospital in the area that I know about because my brother spent some time in it. What was it called again? Oh, yeah, it is called Cedar Springs Mental Hospital. My brother told me it is a good hospital for people who need a break from life for a little while. I think I will drive down there and see if they will take me.
As soon as I get into my car, I send Hank a text message saying that I will not be available for a few days, but I do not tell him why. I do not want to give him any reason to think that I am any more crazy than he already thinks I am. I tell him that I miss him and love him. I do not expect him to reach out to me. I turn off my phone and do not plan to turn it back until I am out of the hospital. Hopefully, Hank does not worry about my safety. I know if he does not hear from me in a few days, he will be worried sick, but I will contact him as soon as I am out.
As I pull into the Cedar Springs parking lot, I am amazed at how huge the building is. It is pretty large for a mental hospital. It looks like a nice place though. I step inside and I am greeted by a pretty woman at the front desk. I told her that I needed to be admitted because I was feeling suicidal. She instructs me to sit down in the waiting area and a nurse will be out to speak with me. I sit down and see a slew of magazines lying on the table in front of me. I picked up a magazine about Bipolar disorder. I never heard of that, but I began to scan the articles. This does seem interesting, but I cannot really relate to the stories in it. A nurse comes out and greets me by saying her name is Mrs. Lanette. She seems friendly enough. We walk into a petite, but lovely-looking room that smells like incense.
As soon as we sit down, she gets right into the questions. She asked me why I felt suicidal and what led up to it. I tell her everything that went down and I even tell her about how I cut myself not too long ago. I do not know why I brought that up, but I do. I tell her how I do not feel like my life is worth living anymore if Hank is not around. As I am talking, she is writing everything I say down. After about thirty minutes, she told me that I needed to sign a paper saying that I understood that I was voluntarily admitting myself to the hospital, but that did not mean I could leave whenever I wanted. She explained to me that I would stay in until the psychiatrist says I was cleared for discharge. I think to myself that it sounds strange that I am voluntarily being admitted but that I cannot leave on my own whim, but whatever. I still sign the paper because I do not feel safe enough to go home by myself. I need to be in the hospital right now because my mind is my worst enemy. Maybe after a few days of being in here, I will be able to think more clearly, and maybe Hank will realize how much he truly misses me when he does not hear from me. These next few days will be the hardest days of my entire life.
***STAY TUNED FOR PART 6 OF THIS SERIES***
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry
About an hour later, I heard a knock at the door. It had got to be him, so I ran to answer it. He looks at me with that endearing smile of his. His smile always makes my heart melt. He picks me up in a bear hug and we kiss for what seems to be an eternity. He tells me he missed me and I think for a second to ask him why he has not contacted me, but then decide not to push my luck. I do not want to risk making him upset and spoiling the night. Instead, I will just tell him that I miss him too and invite him into my place. We head to the dining room table and he asks me what is for dinner.
"Your favorite, baby," I tell him with a huge grin on my face, as I make him his plate. I bring his plate of spaghetti to him and he reaches out and grabs it from my hands. Then, I make myself a plate and head to my place at the table, right next to him. As we are eating, we make small talk about how his work is doing at the car mechanic shop, about how his week went, and about how he wants to see the new Top Gun Maverick movie. He never once asks anything about me, but I do not mind. I am just glad to be in his presence. He is the best man I have ever known. I listen intently to him talking about himself for about ten minutes before I realize that I am not really eating my own food. I am just so enamored by him.
"Your food is getting cold, Ames," He says to me. This is the first time he actually broke away from talking about himself and I feel happy to be acknowledged. I apologize and start eating my own food. All of a sudden, he tells me something that raises some concern.
"So, you remember Catie, right?" He asks me and I try to rack my mind for some remembrance of this woman. I tell him that I do not remember her and he reminds me that she is the woman that works the front desk at the mechanic shop. Oh, yeah, now I remember her. I never really liked her because she was always trying to flirt with my man.
"What about her?" I ask him, as I am trying to remain as calm as possible, but my paranoia is really beginning to act up. He takes a few more bites and every minute that passes by I feel a little more anxious.
"Well, recently she asked if I would like to go with her to a Nuggets game..." His voice trails off, as he shovels a few more bites into his mouth. I do not like the sound of this one bit. I ask him what he said and he tells me that he said yes. Why in the world would he say that? Didn't he take into consideration how that would make me feel? I do not say anything. I just sit in stunned silence and he must have noticed my reaction.
"Why are you surprised, babe?" He asks with genuine concern, much to my surprise. "You know how much I love the Nuggets! You could not have expected me to say no. You would not be that selfish, right?" Maybe he is right. Maybe my reaction is a bit selfish. I just do not like the idea of some woman who clearly likes my man going on a date with him. But, who said that it is a date? It is just a night for two coworkers to mutually enjoy a basketball game. I am sure he would have invited me if he thought I'd be into it. Maybe I am just overreacting, right? It is probably no big deal. I tell myself this, but my anxiety is beginning to shoot through the roof.
"You're okay with this, right Ames?" He asks and I genuinely do not know what to say. Am I ok with this? I am not sure really, but I tell him that I am because I am trying to be a good girlfriend. I do not want to be a clingy and possessive girlfriend. He is allowed to have friends who are girls and he is even allowed to hang out with them too. It is no big deal. I do not need to overreact. He still only loves me. If he did not love me, he would not be here, right?
"That's good," He says, "Well, after the game, we are going out to eat some dinner too". What? He is taking her out to eat now? Well, that makes sense because they will be hungry after the game. Maybe it is not a big deal. I try to tell myself that, but I literally feel my heart thumping faster. He must notice my discomfort.
"Ames, you should not be uncomfortable because I am spending time with you tonight, and that is far more than you deserve, ya know?" He says with a smirk on his face. What does he mean by that? I look at him with a stunned look on my face. I am literally dumbfounded by what he just told me.
"What do you mean by that?" I genuinely ask him. He laughs to himself out loud and I feel ashamed for even asking, but I really want to know.
"Well, you know how much of a crazy woman you have been acting like lately, right? You must have figured that I would need to spend some time with a normal woman after dealing with you." He says and I begin to tear up. I cannot believe he just called me a "crazy woman". I guess he is right, though. I have been acting pretty crazy lately with all the calling and texting him. I've constantly been bothering him when he was working. But, I thought I was just being a good girlfriend by showing him my love. Maybe I do deserve this. Maybe this is Karma getting me back for being a bad girlfriend. I slowly put my head down. All of a sudden, I do not feel like eating anymore. He finishes all of his spaghetti and tells me that dinner was delicious. Then, he says that he has to go home now because he has work in the morning. He gives me a kiss on the forehead and walks out of my apartment. I do not know when I will see him again.
I pick up his and my plates and place them in the sink. I will wash them later. I walk over to my living room couch and fall into the cushions. I just want sleep the sleep of death. I do not feel like living anymore. What he told me was literally like shoving a knife into my heart. I just keep thinking of him spending time with Catie. What in the world does she have that I don't? Well, for one, she probably isn't crazy like me. He deserves someone not crazy. But, I do not try to be crazy. I just love him so very much. Why can't he see that? I am tempted to cut myself again, except this time I want to cut a main artery because I want to die. I do not want to live anymore. This is a new thought. I never contemplated suicide before, but if I cannot have Hank to myself, then I do not want to live anymore. Life without Hank is not worth living. However, what if I kill myself and the afterlife is worse than this life? That thought scares me too. I do not want to die, but I feel so darn depressed. Maybe I should check myself into the hospital for a little while to get my mind in check. There is a good hospital in the area that I know about because my brother spent some time in it. What was it called again? Oh, yeah, it is called Cedar Springs Mental Hospital. My brother told me it is a good hospital for people who need a break from life for a little while. I think I will drive down there and see if they will take me.
As soon as I get into my car, I send Hank a text message saying that I will not be available for a few days, but I do not tell him why. I do not want to give him any reason to think that I am any more crazy than he already thinks I am. I tell him that I miss him and love him. I do not expect him to reach out to me. I turn off my phone and do not plan to turn it back until I am out of the hospital. Hopefully, Hank does not worry about my safety. I know if he does not hear from me in a few days, he will be worried sick, but I will contact him as soon as I am out.
As I pull into the Cedar Springs parking lot, I am amazed at how huge the building is. It is pretty large for a mental hospital. It looks like a nice place though. I step inside and I am greeted by a pretty woman at the front desk. I told her that I needed to be admitted because I was feeling suicidal. She instructs me to sit down in the waiting area and a nurse will be out to speak with me. I sit down and see a slew of magazines lying on the table in front of me. I picked up a magazine about Bipolar disorder. I never heard of that, but I began to scan the articles. This does seem interesting, but I cannot really relate to the stories in it. A nurse comes out and greets me by saying her name is Mrs. Lanette. She seems friendly enough. We walk into a petite, but lovely-looking room that smells like incense.
As soon as we sit down, she gets right into the questions. She asked me why I felt suicidal and what led up to it. I tell her everything that went down and I even tell her about how I cut myself not too long ago. I do not know why I brought that up, but I do. I tell her how I do not feel like my life is worth living anymore if Hank is not around. As I am talking, she is writing everything I say down. After about thirty minutes, she told me that I needed to sign a paper saying that I understood that I was voluntarily admitting myself to the hospital, but that did not mean I could leave whenever I wanted. She explained to me that I would stay in until the psychiatrist says I was cleared for discharge. I think to myself that it sounds strange that I am voluntarily being admitted but that I cannot leave on my own whim, but whatever. I still sign the paper because I do not feel safe enough to go home by myself. I need to be in the hospital right now because my mind is my worst enemy. Maybe after a few days of being in here, I will be able to think more clearly, and maybe Hank will realize how much he truly misses me when he does not hear from me. These next few days will be the hardest days of my entire life.
***STAY TUNED FOR PART 6 OF THIS SERIES***
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry
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