***The following is a fictitious account of a woman named Amy Jamison who struggles with Separation Anxiety Disorder. Some content may be triggering. If you are easily triggered, do not keep reading. If you are not easily triggered, then hopefully you find this story to be a tremendous blessing***
It has been a few days since I've heard from Hank, but it feels like it has been an eternity. I've been calling him and texting him every few minutes, but he has been ignoring all of them! Is it true that he is cheating on me? If he is, then I probably deserve this because I am such a horrible girlfriend. I would give anything just to see him again and make it all up to him. How could I have been so darn stupid? I know he does not like it when I cut myself, but I do not know of any other way to cope with these wretched emotions. Maybe that is why I am in therapy. I am on my way to see Adrian now. So, maybe she can help me come up with better coping skills and then maybe when Hank sees I am no longer cutting, he will come back to me. I miss him so much. As soon as I pull into the parking lot, I pull out my phone to check to see if Hank has texted or called me back. Still nothing. At this point, I am no longer surprised. I really upset him the other day. I would do anything just to hear his voice one more time. I step out of my car and instantly slip on my light jacket. I do not want Adrian to see my scars because she might report me to the authorities. And then they will have me admitted into Memorial Hospital. I definitely do not need that! If Hank finds out that I am in a psychiatric facility, then he definitely will abandon me. He does not need to date a "looney tune" because he is an attractive man. He could have any woman in the world. Which is probably why he is out there talking to other women right now. I step into the building and pull out my phone one more time to see if Hank responded to me yet. Still nothing. I am getting depressed now. What in the world could he be doing?
As I approach the receptionist's desk, the lady greets me right away with a cheery smile. I weakly smile back, but I am not happy one bit. She tells me that Adrian will see me shortly. So, I sit down in the waiting room after pouring myself a cup of warm coffee. This is pretty much the highlight of my week. As I was waiting for my therapist, I decided to look on Facebook to see if Hank had taken down our relationship status. It still says that we are in a relationship and I breathe a sigh of relief. At least he is still claiming me as his girlfriend. I do not know what I would have done if he took that down. I think I would have had a meltdown right here in this waiting room. Then, I would really look like a "looney tune".
After about fifteen minutes, Adrian approaches me with a smile and tells me that I can come back to see her. I am slightly happy to see her because she is always so nice to me. As we are walking to her office, she asks me how I've been. Oh, boy, this is the question I've been dreading.
"Not good..." I confess to her. Her smile immediately fades into a look of deep concern. At this point, I wonder how much information I should divulge to her. How could she possibly understand my predicament? She lives the life of an ivory saint. Her life seems so perfect. She definitely would never understand what I was going through. However, I know that once I start telling her some things, she will want to know more. I decide that I will start from the beginning, but I will leave out the fact that I cut myself. I cannot possibly tell her about that. Instead of telling her I cut myself and that is the reason Hank got upset, I will tell her that he got upset because I did not have any more peanut butter. I know that is technically a silly lie, but it will have to be good enough for her.
"Hank got upset with you over peanut butter?" Adrian asks with a puzzled look on her face. I am not sure if she believes me or not, but I nod my head.
"And then, he pushed you against the wall, called you a 'looney tune', and stormed out of your apartment?" She asks me too and when I nod my head again, she then asks me if that makes logical sense to me. I feel ashamed about this because as bad as my lie sounds, the truth sounds even worse. How could I even begin to tell her that I carved Hank's name into my arm?
"Well, it is MY fault that I did not have any peanut butter when he needed it, right?" I ask this only to keep up the charade. Adrian does not look pleased by this response. Actually, she looks pretty perturbed.
"Amy, you know how many times my husband has gotten angry at me for not having peanut butter in the house?" She asks me and immediately I know this is a trick question. I tell her that I do not know and she responds by telling me none. I knew she lived a picture-perfect life, but it is insane to say that her husband never gets mad at her. She must be a superwife or something.
"My husband loves me enough to not allow something like a lack of peanut butter to get in between us. If he knew that I forgot to get more peanut butter, he would just go out and get it himself. That is what a healthy relationship looks like" She tells me and I immediately feel sheepish. I am not sure how long I can keep this up, but I am determined to keep this up for the entire session. I cannot allow her to know the truth. I check my phone one more time and Adrian notices me.
"Has he responded back to you yet?" She asks me. It must be obvious by now why I keep checking my phone. I shake my head. Of course, he has not. Why should I expect him to reply to me when he is probably out with some gorgeous woman who is not looney?
"Have you thought about turning your phone off for a full day?" She then asks me and to be honest, I have not. I tell her that and she asks me why.
"What do you mean?" I am genuinely confused by this question. Why should I turn my phone off for a full day? How would I ever know if Hank reached out to me? Besides, when he does reach out to me, he expects me to answer right away or he will get mad. I cannot risk making him mad.
"Well, what could you lose by turning off your phone?" She asks me and honestly, I think I will lose my sanity. I tell her that and she tells me that I am already losing my sanity with the phone on. She does have a point there, but I cannot possibly turn off my phone for a full day. That is just unrealistic for her to suggest to me.
We ended up going back and forth about the whole "Hank being mad at me about peanut butter" thing for about thirty minutes until the end of the session. She just does not understand him. He is a very particular man and when he wants something, he wants it right away. He expects me to accommodate his needs. As a good girlfriend, aren't I supposed to make sure he stays happy? At the end of the session, Adrian said she wants to see me next Wednesday at 1:00 p.m. I agree to this and then we shake hands and I walk out of her office.
As I approach my car, I pull out my phone again. This time I do see a text from Hank! Hallelujah! He finally reached out to me! I look at the text message and it says that he wants to talk to me at my home. I replied back to him that I would be home in about fifteen minutes. I put my phone into my purse step inside my car and begin driving home.
Once I am home, I see that Hank is already sitting on my living room couch. I hope he did not wait too long. He does not like it when I keep him waiting. I run and hug him and kiss him. Afterwards, he directs me to sit down and he looks at me with a very solemn look.
"I want to talk about the other day, Ames," He says and I am not surprised. I had a feeling that he would want to address that. I sit in silence.
"You really need to stop with the cutting, you know that right?" He asks me and I nod like an obedient child "I do love you, but if you insist on this nonsense then there will be consequences." What does he mean by that? I think he can tell that I am confused by the look on my face. He explained to me that he would not hit me, but if he saw me cut myself again, then he would be forced to take my phone from me indefinitely. I do not like the sound of that because then I wouldn't be able to contact him anymore! That would literally drive me insane!
"Do you understand what I am saying?" He asks me and I nod my head. Then, he kisses me on my forehead and then says he has to go back to work. I let out a small whimper, but he immediately shoots me an angry glare, and I get quiet. As he walks out of my front door, he slams it shut, and I am left alone in the solitude of my quiet apartment. For some reason, I feel like sobbing like a big baby. I decided to just go ahead and open the floodgates because I've been holding all this in for far too long. I do not know how long it will be until I hear from Hank again, but I am determined to be the best girlfriend I can be for him from now on.
***STAY TUNED FOR PART 4 OF THIS SERIES***
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
As I approach the receptionist's desk, the lady greets me right away with a cheery smile. I weakly smile back, but I am not happy one bit. She tells me that Adrian will see me shortly. So, I sit down in the waiting room after pouring myself a cup of warm coffee. This is pretty much the highlight of my week. As I was waiting for my therapist, I decided to look on Facebook to see if Hank had taken down our relationship status. It still says that we are in a relationship and I breathe a sigh of relief. At least he is still claiming me as his girlfriend. I do not know what I would have done if he took that down. I think I would have had a meltdown right here in this waiting room. Then, I would really look like a "looney tune".
After about fifteen minutes, Adrian approaches me with a smile and tells me that I can come back to see her. I am slightly happy to see her because she is always so nice to me. As we are walking to her office, she asks me how I've been. Oh, boy, this is the question I've been dreading.
"Not good..." I confess to her. Her smile immediately fades into a look of deep concern. At this point, I wonder how much information I should divulge to her. How could she possibly understand my predicament? She lives the life of an ivory saint. Her life seems so perfect. She definitely would never understand what I was going through. However, I know that once I start telling her some things, she will want to know more. I decide that I will start from the beginning, but I will leave out the fact that I cut myself. I cannot possibly tell her about that. Instead of telling her I cut myself and that is the reason Hank got upset, I will tell her that he got upset because I did not have any more peanut butter. I know that is technically a silly lie, but it will have to be good enough for her.
"Hank got upset with you over peanut butter?" Adrian asks with a puzzled look on her face. I am not sure if she believes me or not, but I nod my head.
"And then, he pushed you against the wall, called you a 'looney tune', and stormed out of your apartment?" She asks me too and when I nod my head again, she then asks me if that makes logical sense to me. I feel ashamed about this because as bad as my lie sounds, the truth sounds even worse. How could I even begin to tell her that I carved Hank's name into my arm?
"Well, it is MY fault that I did not have any peanut butter when he needed it, right?" I ask this only to keep up the charade. Adrian does not look pleased by this response. Actually, she looks pretty perturbed.
"Amy, you know how many times my husband has gotten angry at me for not having peanut butter in the house?" She asks me and immediately I know this is a trick question. I tell her that I do not know and she responds by telling me none. I knew she lived a picture-perfect life, but it is insane to say that her husband never gets mad at her. She must be a superwife or something.
"My husband loves me enough to not allow something like a lack of peanut butter to get in between us. If he knew that I forgot to get more peanut butter, he would just go out and get it himself. That is what a healthy relationship looks like" She tells me and I immediately feel sheepish. I am not sure how long I can keep this up, but I am determined to keep this up for the entire session. I cannot allow her to know the truth. I check my phone one more time and Adrian notices me.
"Has he responded back to you yet?" She asks me. It must be obvious by now why I keep checking my phone. I shake my head. Of course, he has not. Why should I expect him to reply to me when he is probably out with some gorgeous woman who is not looney?
"Have you thought about turning your phone off for a full day?" She then asks me and to be honest, I have not. I tell her that and she asks me why.
"What do you mean?" I am genuinely confused by this question. Why should I turn my phone off for a full day? How would I ever know if Hank reached out to me? Besides, when he does reach out to me, he expects me to answer right away or he will get mad. I cannot risk making him mad.
"Well, what could you lose by turning off your phone?" She asks me and honestly, I think I will lose my sanity. I tell her that and she tells me that I am already losing my sanity with the phone on. She does have a point there, but I cannot possibly turn off my phone for a full day. That is just unrealistic for her to suggest to me.
We ended up going back and forth about the whole "Hank being mad at me about peanut butter" thing for about thirty minutes until the end of the session. She just does not understand him. He is a very particular man and when he wants something, he wants it right away. He expects me to accommodate his needs. As a good girlfriend, aren't I supposed to make sure he stays happy? At the end of the session, Adrian said she wants to see me next Wednesday at 1:00 p.m. I agree to this and then we shake hands and I walk out of her office.
As I approach my car, I pull out my phone again. This time I do see a text from Hank! Hallelujah! He finally reached out to me! I look at the text message and it says that he wants to talk to me at my home. I replied back to him that I would be home in about fifteen minutes. I put my phone into my purse step inside my car and begin driving home.
Once I am home, I see that Hank is already sitting on my living room couch. I hope he did not wait too long. He does not like it when I keep him waiting. I run and hug him and kiss him. Afterwards, he directs me to sit down and he looks at me with a very solemn look.
"I want to talk about the other day, Ames," He says and I am not surprised. I had a feeling that he would want to address that. I sit in silence.
"You really need to stop with the cutting, you know that right?" He asks me and I nod like an obedient child "I do love you, but if you insist on this nonsense then there will be consequences." What does he mean by that? I think he can tell that I am confused by the look on my face. He explained to me that he would not hit me, but if he saw me cut myself again, then he would be forced to take my phone from me indefinitely. I do not like the sound of that because then I wouldn't be able to contact him anymore! That would literally drive me insane!
"Do you understand what I am saying?" He asks me and I nod my head. Then, he kisses me on my forehead and then says he has to go back to work. I let out a small whimper, but he immediately shoots me an angry glare, and I get quiet. As he walks out of my front door, he slams it shut, and I am left alone in the solitude of my quiet apartment. For some reason, I feel like sobbing like a big baby. I decided to just go ahead and open the floodgates because I've been holding all this in for far too long. I do not know how long it will be until I hear from Hank again, but I am determined to be the best girlfriend I can be for him from now on.
***STAY TUNED FOR PART 4 OF THIS SERIES***
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
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