As I have said in my previous blog titled 5 Ways Mental Illness Affects Marriage, marriage is a beautiful, yet complex thing. The marriage covenant is a representation of Christ's relationship with His church. For this reason alone, God hates divorce so very much. He hates it because Christ will never divorce His bride. Also, this is why marriage is supposed to be between one man and one woman because Jesus is not a homosexual. However, even though it is true that God hates divorce and gives barely any legitimate reasons for divorce, it does not change the fact that maintaining a marriage is hard work. Any time you get two sinfully depraved people living together there are bound to be problems in the relationship. My wife and I have been married for going on four years this month and we can both testify to the fact that maintaining this marriage has been rocky. I know not only has it been hard for me, but it is also been hard for her too. However, these four years have taught us a lot of valuable lessons concerning married life. In this blog, I shall discuss some of these lessons. First, I'd like to say that I am no marriage expert and neither am I saying that I know everything there is to know about marriage. I am not even saying that I now have the most perfect marriage. I will freely admit that there is still a lot that I can learn concerning marriage and I also know that my wife and I will always have issues until the day we die or Jesus returns. But, what I can say is that the more time goes by the more I grow in my love for Christ and my wife, and the more I desire to make our marriage work, no matter how hard it gets. So, please do not assume after reading this blog that I have everything figured out or that I am not a relationship expert because I most certainly am not. Also, these lessons I shall be discussing are just what I've learned in four years of marriage. I believe there are many more lessons I will learn as I continue living life with my wife. I will now discuss what these lessons are.
Your Wife Does Not Have To Like Everything You Like
This was probably one of the first lessons that I had to learn early on in our marriage. I used to believe that to make a marriage work both the husband and wife had to like all the same stuff. I believed this because of all the talk in Christian and secular societies about "compatibility". Basically, I believed that unless both husband and wife were on the same page about everything and even shared everything in common then that would be the only way the marriage would work. I now believe what Pastor Paul Washer once said about God leading a man to a woman who is strong in all the areas he is weak in and who is weak in all the areas he is strong in. This does not mean that the husband and wife will not share anything in common. The husband and wife can share some similarities, but there is no reason for them to like everything the other person likes. For example, I like watching DC Superheroes, but my wife does not enjoy that as much as I do. At the same time, my wife enjoys listening to boy band music and I couldn't care less about that. It is perfectly fine to accept that we do not like the same things.
Husbands Are Meant To Lay Down Their Lives For Their Wives
I admit that I am still learning this lesson because my mental illness does make me an incredibly selfish person. It is difficult for me to lay down my life for anyone, let alone my wife. I have gotten better over the years, however. At the beginning of our marriage, I wanted things to go my way or the highway. For example, I wanted my wife to watch everything on television that I decided we should watch and I never took her ideas seriously. As a result, she hardly ever got the chance to watch what she wanted to watch. However, over time I have become a lot more humble and these days I am more considerate of what she wants to watch. Another example where I had to learn this lesson was when it came to household chores. I used to believe that the man was supposed to be the one who did the outdoor chores while the wife did the indoor chores. As a result of this belief, my wife got stuck doing most of the chores while I just had to take out the garbage. These days I realize that I can do much more around the apartment, especially since I am the one who is not technically working. This is probably the hardest lesson for me to swallow.
Husbands As Leaders
This is another lesson that has taken me some time to learn and honestly, I am still learning it. I have always known that a Christian man is a leader of his household, but it was not until I actually had my own household to run that I truly understood what being a leader would be like. It has been especially difficult for me to learn this lesson as a man who is not working. However, over the years I have learned different ways that I can lead my wife. For example, I lead my wife in Family Worship times that we do at least once a week. I lead my wife in all the important decisions we make in our household. This does not mean I do not allow her to express her opinion, but it does mean that I have the last word on making decisions. I lead my wife on who our household votes for in elections and I lead her in deciding what church we attend too. I also lead my wife on the decision over whether or not we will baptize our babies if the Lord blesses us with children.
God Is Sovereign Over The Marriage
This lesson is something I have learned early on in our marriage. I used to believe that I had to manipulate things to go my way. I used to believe that if I did everything right, then God would bless my marriage. This all came to a head a few years ago when I ended up in the hospital for three months because of a medication that perforated my colon. During that time, I felt like God had abandoned me and I felt my old hatred for God rising up in me again. I did not even want to pray to Him during that time. However, the Lord kept reminding me of Romans 8:28, which says,
"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, who are called according to His purpose"
At the time, I had no idea how the Lord would work that situation out for my good, but I decided to trust Him and my heart softened up. As a result of my hospital stay, my medication was reduced which led to me becoming quicker and more alert, my relationship with my wife became more intimate, and my relationship with God became more intimate too. God truly did work that situation out for my good. It is for this reason that I now believe that God is guiding my marriage and I trust Him to keep us in His hands on my marriage no matter what happens in this life.
Love Does Not Always Mean Good Feelings
This is a lesson that I technically learned before marrying my wife, but after marriage, the lesson really hit home with me. Pastor Voddie Baucham once said,
"Biblical love is action, accompanied by emotion, that is directed upon the object of its desire"
Before marriage, I thought that I'd always have these "good feelings" toward my wife and that she would always have "good feelings" toward me. However, as time went on, I began to realize that true love does not mean that you two will always have "good feelings" toward one another. As a matter of fact, there will be times when the two of you really cannot stand to be in the presence of one another. This does not mean necessarily that you love your spouse any less than when you first married them. It is this whole idea of "love as an emotion" that has led to so many divorces today because so many people, Christians included, mistake true love for "gooey feelings". Love is primarily a choice before it is an emotion.
Love Does Not Mean You Will Always Be Physically Attracted To Your Spouse
This is another hard lesson that I had to learn and accept. I used to believe that once you are married, your spouse will always be attracted to you and you will always be attracted to your spouse. Since being married, I have learned that physical attractiveness comes and goes in waves. Some days you will be totally attracted to your spouse, while other days there will be no attraction. My wife is not always physically attracted to me and I am not always physically attracted to her. However, our love for one another has not changed. Our love for one another has only grown over the years because real love is not based on physical attraction. Another reason a lot of marriages do not last is because once the physical attraction disappears the couple is ready to break everything off. It should not be this way, however. Real love needs to be built on something deeper than physical attraction.
If The Relationship Is Not Centered On Christ, It Will Fail
This lesson is one I learned early on in marriage, but it took me a while to truly understand what it meant. I thought that as long as I marry another Christian then that would be good enough. However, I have since learned that both my wife and I need to make a constant effort to always put Christ first in our marriage. If we ever take our eyes off Christ to focus on ourselves, then that is when our marriage becomes rocky. But, as long as our eyes remain focused on Christ, then there is smooth sailing. This does not mean that everything will be easy for us, but it does mean that we will always have an anchor to hold us together. So many marriages fail because the couple takes their eyes off Jesus and they then focus on something or someone else.
I hope that these lessons help you to truly understand what marriage is all about. As I have previously said, these lessons were difficult for me to learn, but I am glad that I did learn them. This does not mean that if you learn these lessons your marriage will become easy. Marriage is definitely hard work for everyone, but it is very rewarding for anyone willing to put in the work. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and may the grace of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ richly bless you all.
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
Your Wife Does Not Have To Like Everything You Like
This was probably one of the first lessons that I had to learn early on in our marriage. I used to believe that to make a marriage work both the husband and wife had to like all the same stuff. I believed this because of all the talk in Christian and secular societies about "compatibility". Basically, I believed that unless both husband and wife were on the same page about everything and even shared everything in common then that would be the only way the marriage would work. I now believe what Pastor Paul Washer once said about God leading a man to a woman who is strong in all the areas he is weak in and who is weak in all the areas he is strong in. This does not mean that the husband and wife will not share anything in common. The husband and wife can share some similarities, but there is no reason for them to like everything the other person likes. For example, I like watching DC Superheroes, but my wife does not enjoy that as much as I do. At the same time, my wife enjoys listening to boy band music and I couldn't care less about that. It is perfectly fine to accept that we do not like the same things.
Husbands Are Meant To Lay Down Their Lives For Their Wives
I admit that I am still learning this lesson because my mental illness does make me an incredibly selfish person. It is difficult for me to lay down my life for anyone, let alone my wife. I have gotten better over the years, however. At the beginning of our marriage, I wanted things to go my way or the highway. For example, I wanted my wife to watch everything on television that I decided we should watch and I never took her ideas seriously. As a result, she hardly ever got the chance to watch what she wanted to watch. However, over time I have become a lot more humble and these days I am more considerate of what she wants to watch. Another example where I had to learn this lesson was when it came to household chores. I used to believe that the man was supposed to be the one who did the outdoor chores while the wife did the indoor chores. As a result of this belief, my wife got stuck doing most of the chores while I just had to take out the garbage. These days I realize that I can do much more around the apartment, especially since I am the one who is not technically working. This is probably the hardest lesson for me to swallow.
Husbands As Leaders
This is another lesson that has taken me some time to learn and honestly, I am still learning it. I have always known that a Christian man is a leader of his household, but it was not until I actually had my own household to run that I truly understood what being a leader would be like. It has been especially difficult for me to learn this lesson as a man who is not working. However, over the years I have learned different ways that I can lead my wife. For example, I lead my wife in Family Worship times that we do at least once a week. I lead my wife in all the important decisions we make in our household. This does not mean I do not allow her to express her opinion, but it does mean that I have the last word on making decisions. I lead my wife on who our household votes for in elections and I lead her in deciding what church we attend too. I also lead my wife on the decision over whether or not we will baptize our babies if the Lord blesses us with children.
God Is Sovereign Over The Marriage
This lesson is something I have learned early on in our marriage. I used to believe that I had to manipulate things to go my way. I used to believe that if I did everything right, then God would bless my marriage. This all came to a head a few years ago when I ended up in the hospital for three months because of a medication that perforated my colon. During that time, I felt like God had abandoned me and I felt my old hatred for God rising up in me again. I did not even want to pray to Him during that time. However, the Lord kept reminding me of Romans 8:28, which says,
"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, who are called according to His purpose"
At the time, I had no idea how the Lord would work that situation out for my good, but I decided to trust Him and my heart softened up. As a result of my hospital stay, my medication was reduced which led to me becoming quicker and more alert, my relationship with my wife became more intimate, and my relationship with God became more intimate too. God truly did work that situation out for my good. It is for this reason that I now believe that God is guiding my marriage and I trust Him to keep us in His hands on my marriage no matter what happens in this life.
Love Does Not Always Mean Good Feelings
This is a lesson that I technically learned before marrying my wife, but after marriage, the lesson really hit home with me. Pastor Voddie Baucham once said,
"Biblical love is action, accompanied by emotion, that is directed upon the object of its desire"
Before marriage, I thought that I'd always have these "good feelings" toward my wife and that she would always have "good feelings" toward me. However, as time went on, I began to realize that true love does not mean that you two will always have "good feelings" toward one another. As a matter of fact, there will be times when the two of you really cannot stand to be in the presence of one another. This does not mean necessarily that you love your spouse any less than when you first married them. It is this whole idea of "love as an emotion" that has led to so many divorces today because so many people, Christians included, mistake true love for "gooey feelings". Love is primarily a choice before it is an emotion.
Love Does Not Mean You Will Always Be Physically Attracted To Your Spouse
This is another hard lesson that I had to learn and accept. I used to believe that once you are married, your spouse will always be attracted to you and you will always be attracted to your spouse. Since being married, I have learned that physical attractiveness comes and goes in waves. Some days you will be totally attracted to your spouse, while other days there will be no attraction. My wife is not always physically attracted to me and I am not always physically attracted to her. However, our love for one another has not changed. Our love for one another has only grown over the years because real love is not based on physical attraction. Another reason a lot of marriages do not last is because once the physical attraction disappears the couple is ready to break everything off. It should not be this way, however. Real love needs to be built on something deeper than physical attraction.
If The Relationship Is Not Centered On Christ, It Will Fail
This lesson is one I learned early on in marriage, but it took me a while to truly understand what it meant. I thought that as long as I marry another Christian then that would be good enough. However, I have since learned that both my wife and I need to make a constant effort to always put Christ first in our marriage. If we ever take our eyes off Christ to focus on ourselves, then that is when our marriage becomes rocky. But, as long as our eyes remain focused on Christ, then there is smooth sailing. This does not mean that everything will be easy for us, but it does mean that we will always have an anchor to hold us together. So many marriages fail because the couple takes their eyes off Jesus and they then focus on something or someone else.
I hope that these lessons help you to truly understand what marriage is all about. As I have previously said, these lessons were difficult for me to learn, but I am glad that I did learn them. This does not mean that if you learn these lessons your marriage will become easy. Marriage is definitely hard work for everyone, but it is very rewarding for anyone willing to put in the work. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and may the grace of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ richly bless you all.
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
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