"Honor your father and mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you" -Exodus 20:12
As some of you may already know, I do not have a good relationship with my father. Actually, I do not have any relationship with my father whatsoever. There are many reasons for this, but the main reason is the fact that he is verbally abusive and disrespectful of my faith. For years, I have tried to have a relationship with him because I felt obligated to. After all, Exodus 20:12 tells us to "honor your father and mother..." right? Over the years I have learned that one does not need to have their parent in their life to follow this command. There is more than one way someone can honor their parents that does not involve keeping them in one's life. I know that I am not the only person who refuses to have a relationship with an abusive parent. Their reasons for this may not be exactly the same as my reasons, but they might be similar. In this blog, I shall discuss some ways that one can meet the requirements of Exodus 20:12 without physically keeping a potentially harmful parent around. First, I'd like to say that the purpose of this blog is not to encourage you to never have your parent in your life. Of course, if your parents show signs of genuine repentance, then you should forgive them, and, if possible, reconcile with them. I strongly believe that if someone repents of their wrongdoing, then you are obligated to forgive them, just as Christ forgave you. Now, with all that said, I will not get on with the purpose of this blog. The first passage that I'd like to draw your attention to comes from Matthew 10:34-39. In this, our Lord Jesus tells us,
"Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a person's enemies will be those of his own household. Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it"
Firstly, I would like to point out what Jesus is NOT saying. He is not telling us to literally hate our family members. That would not make any sense in light of other biblical passages. What he is saying is that our love for Christ should eclipse our love for our family members. In other words, our love for Christ should be so central to our lives that our love for our family may look like hate only because we desire to put Jesus before them always. Secondly, if we are truly putting Christ first, then it should cause strife within your family, especially if you come from a non-Christian household. I know that in my life this is definitely true for me. I was not raised in a Christian household, but I did have the privilege of seeing my mother and stepfather come to the faith before they passed on. However, the same is not true for my biological father. In his case, Jesus' words ring true because there is a lot of strife between him and me solely because of my faith. As a matter of fact, the last time I spoke to him, our conversation led me to the psych hospital for a week. It is for this reason that I cannot physically have a relationship with him anymore because he literally is bad for my mental health. However, there are ways that I honor him as my father. If you are estranged from either one or both of your parents, then I believe that you can honor them in the same ways that I choose to honor my father. I will explain these ways now.
Always Pray For Your Parent(s)
This is actually the most important thing you can do for your estranged parent or parents. As Paul tells us in 1 Timothy 2:1-2,
"First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. This is good and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth."
As you can see from this text, Paul is saying that God desires all kinds of people to be saved. For this reason, we should be in constant prayer for EVERYONE we know. This would definitely include our estranged parent or parents. How do you not know whether or not your estranged parent, or parents, could eventually come to saving faith in Christ? There is no way for you to know this because it is within God's sovereign will, but we do know that God desires all kinds of people to be saved. Thus, your estranged parent, or parents, could be part of the elect. This is why it is so very important for you to be in constant prayer for them. As a matter of fact, there really should not be a day when you are not in prayer for them. And I am not saying you should only pray for their salvation either. You should pray that God will sovereignly take care of all their needs and also protect them. These are some of the things that I pray about concerning my own father.
Never Say Anything Negative About Your Parent(s)
This point is also very important because I know all too well how tempting it is to badmouth your parent who is mistreating you. I have felt the strong temptation to speak ill of my father and I have fallen into that temptation many times too. However, I keep thinking of the words of Peter in 1 Peter 2:18-19. He says the following,
"Servants, be subject to your masters with all respect, not only to the good and gentle, but also to the unjust. For this is a gracious thing, when, mindful of God, one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly"
I know that this text is referring to slaves and not children, but how much more don't you think children are required to respect their parents than slaves are to respect their masters? I would argue that if slaves are required to respect their masters, even the unjust ones, then children are all the more required to respect their parents, even the unjust ones. Part of displaying respect for your parents requires that you do not demean them in any way. This is a truth regardless of whether or not they mistreat you. This does not mean that you are never allowed to report what bad things they have done to you, but it does mean that you will not stoop to their level by "bashing" them. Christians are called to a much higher level of conduct than unbelievers are, even if the unbeliever is one's parent. I like how this text finishes, though. As you can see, God finds it to be a gracious thing when we endure suffering that is unjust. Truly, when you suffer unjustly, you are considered blessed by the Lord, and your reward will be great in Heaven (Matthew 5:11-12).
Try To Think Positive Thoughts Toward Your Parent(s)
I fully understand that this is probably the most difficult advice I have ever given. Trust me, it is very difficult for even me to think positive thoughts about my father, and I do not always succeed in doing this. There are many times when I succumb to thinking horrible things about him. However, Paul tells us in Philippians 4:8,
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about those things"
What the Apostle Paul is telling us is basically to change our perspective into a more positive mindset. Cognitive psychologists have long said that our thoughts precede our emotions, but Paul knew this centuries before they did. When we choose to think positive thoughts about our parents, then it will be easier for us to care for their well-being. When we feel like we care for them, then it will be much easier to pray for them and not say anything negative about them. But, if we are in the habit of always thinking negatively about them, then we definitely will not be in the mood to pray for them. When we are not praying for them, then we will speak negatively about them. When this happens, we are dishonoring our parents. Again, I know that this is easier said than done, especially when your parent(s) have been extremely heinous toward you. However, we must follow the Lord's will above our own feelings. However, we are only able to do this by the power and strength of the Holy Spirit, not by our own will and strength.
I hope that this blog helps you to better understand how you can honor your father and mother regardless of whether they are in your life or not. We are commanded to honor them no matter how they treat us, but that does not mean that we need to keep toxic parents in our lives. Our mental health is of primary importance and if our parents are severely affecting our mental health, then it is time to walk away. As Jesus tells us elsewhere in Scripture if people will not accept us, then it is time to "wipe the dust from your feet" (Matthew 10:14). We need to be wise about who we allow into our lives. This means we should not allow toxic people to run rampant in our lives, even if they are our parents. Thank you very much for taking the time to read my blog and may the grace of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ richly bless you all!
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
As some of you may already know, I do not have a good relationship with my father. Actually, I do not have any relationship with my father whatsoever. There are many reasons for this, but the main reason is the fact that he is verbally abusive and disrespectful of my faith. For years, I have tried to have a relationship with him because I felt obligated to. After all, Exodus 20:12 tells us to "honor your father and mother..." right? Over the years I have learned that one does not need to have their parent in their life to follow this command. There is more than one way someone can honor their parents that does not involve keeping them in one's life. I know that I am not the only person who refuses to have a relationship with an abusive parent. Their reasons for this may not be exactly the same as my reasons, but they might be similar. In this blog, I shall discuss some ways that one can meet the requirements of Exodus 20:12 without physically keeping a potentially harmful parent around. First, I'd like to say that the purpose of this blog is not to encourage you to never have your parent in your life. Of course, if your parents show signs of genuine repentance, then you should forgive them, and, if possible, reconcile with them. I strongly believe that if someone repents of their wrongdoing, then you are obligated to forgive them, just as Christ forgave you. Now, with all that said, I will not get on with the purpose of this blog. The first passage that I'd like to draw your attention to comes from Matthew 10:34-39. In this, our Lord Jesus tells us,
"Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a person's enemies will be those of his own household. Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it"
Firstly, I would like to point out what Jesus is NOT saying. He is not telling us to literally hate our family members. That would not make any sense in light of other biblical passages. What he is saying is that our love for Christ should eclipse our love for our family members. In other words, our love for Christ should be so central to our lives that our love for our family may look like hate only because we desire to put Jesus before them always. Secondly, if we are truly putting Christ first, then it should cause strife within your family, especially if you come from a non-Christian household. I know that in my life this is definitely true for me. I was not raised in a Christian household, but I did have the privilege of seeing my mother and stepfather come to the faith before they passed on. However, the same is not true for my biological father. In his case, Jesus' words ring true because there is a lot of strife between him and me solely because of my faith. As a matter of fact, the last time I spoke to him, our conversation led me to the psych hospital for a week. It is for this reason that I cannot physically have a relationship with him anymore because he literally is bad for my mental health. However, there are ways that I honor him as my father. If you are estranged from either one or both of your parents, then I believe that you can honor them in the same ways that I choose to honor my father. I will explain these ways now.
Always Pray For Your Parent(s)
This is actually the most important thing you can do for your estranged parent or parents. As Paul tells us in 1 Timothy 2:1-2,
"First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. This is good and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth."
As you can see from this text, Paul is saying that God desires all kinds of people to be saved. For this reason, we should be in constant prayer for EVERYONE we know. This would definitely include our estranged parent or parents. How do you not know whether or not your estranged parent, or parents, could eventually come to saving faith in Christ? There is no way for you to know this because it is within God's sovereign will, but we do know that God desires all kinds of people to be saved. Thus, your estranged parent, or parents, could be part of the elect. This is why it is so very important for you to be in constant prayer for them. As a matter of fact, there really should not be a day when you are not in prayer for them. And I am not saying you should only pray for their salvation either. You should pray that God will sovereignly take care of all their needs and also protect them. These are some of the things that I pray about concerning my own father.
Never Say Anything Negative About Your Parent(s)
This point is also very important because I know all too well how tempting it is to badmouth your parent who is mistreating you. I have felt the strong temptation to speak ill of my father and I have fallen into that temptation many times too. However, I keep thinking of the words of Peter in 1 Peter 2:18-19. He says the following,
"Servants, be subject to your masters with all respect, not only to the good and gentle, but also to the unjust. For this is a gracious thing, when, mindful of God, one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly"
I know that this text is referring to slaves and not children, but how much more don't you think children are required to respect their parents than slaves are to respect their masters? I would argue that if slaves are required to respect their masters, even the unjust ones, then children are all the more required to respect their parents, even the unjust ones. Part of displaying respect for your parents requires that you do not demean them in any way. This is a truth regardless of whether or not they mistreat you. This does not mean that you are never allowed to report what bad things they have done to you, but it does mean that you will not stoop to their level by "bashing" them. Christians are called to a much higher level of conduct than unbelievers are, even if the unbeliever is one's parent. I like how this text finishes, though. As you can see, God finds it to be a gracious thing when we endure suffering that is unjust. Truly, when you suffer unjustly, you are considered blessed by the Lord, and your reward will be great in Heaven (Matthew 5:11-12).
Try To Think Positive Thoughts Toward Your Parent(s)
I fully understand that this is probably the most difficult advice I have ever given. Trust me, it is very difficult for even me to think positive thoughts about my father, and I do not always succeed in doing this. There are many times when I succumb to thinking horrible things about him. However, Paul tells us in Philippians 4:8,
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about those things"
What the Apostle Paul is telling us is basically to change our perspective into a more positive mindset. Cognitive psychologists have long said that our thoughts precede our emotions, but Paul knew this centuries before they did. When we choose to think positive thoughts about our parents, then it will be easier for us to care for their well-being. When we feel like we care for them, then it will be much easier to pray for them and not say anything negative about them. But, if we are in the habit of always thinking negatively about them, then we definitely will not be in the mood to pray for them. When we are not praying for them, then we will speak negatively about them. When this happens, we are dishonoring our parents. Again, I know that this is easier said than done, especially when your parent(s) have been extremely heinous toward you. However, we must follow the Lord's will above our own feelings. However, we are only able to do this by the power and strength of the Holy Spirit, not by our own will and strength.
I hope that this blog helps you to better understand how you can honor your father and mother regardless of whether they are in your life or not. We are commanded to honor them no matter how they treat us, but that does not mean that we need to keep toxic parents in our lives. Our mental health is of primary importance and if our parents are severely affecting our mental health, then it is time to walk away. As Jesus tells us elsewhere in Scripture if people will not accept us, then it is time to "wipe the dust from your feet" (Matthew 10:14). We need to be wise about who we allow into our lives. This means we should not allow toxic people to run rampant in our lives, even if they are our parents. Thank you very much for taking the time to read my blog and may the grace of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ richly bless you all!
-David Lee Chu Sarchet
Christian Mental Health Advocate
Check out the Christ-Centered Mental Health Ministry Website
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